Why am i so stupid ?

Vidiot · ‎04-12-2016

I was married to my ex wife for 24 years, during that time she had 2 affairs that I'm aware of, she's never confessed anything more than admitting to what I knew and nothing more, we have 2 great kids together, they're both young adults now, I've been divorced for nearly 4 years now, my problem is I still can't get over the betrayal, yet I still care for my ex deeply, what is wrong with me ? I've so much doubt about so much of my time with her,yet I'm willing to give it another go, but she won't entertain that idea, which leaves me feeling even more pathetic.

Starwolf · ‎04-12-2016

Hi V. (sorry, I can't bring myself to calling you your chosen name).

A warm welcome to the forums and well done for making the brave decision to reach out. You are still grieving the loss of your marriage. Finding it difficult to move on is no reason to beat yourself. You obviously feel a lot of love for your ex. Nothing wrong with that but perhaps there's more to this distressful situation than meets the eye. Over dependency (and its causes) could -for example- stall forward progress.

Sometimes, deep rooted emotional/mental issues block the letting go process. These must be worked on before we can disentangle from the past and get on with our lives. Have you thought of talking to a GP about this issue ? Perhaps you need referral to a counselor to help you through this difficult time. No need to struggle alone when help is available. Only a proper diagnosis will help you figure what you are up against and what can be done about it.

It is impossible to give adequate help based on a few brief lines. If you are comfortable with it, please feel free to expand on the effects this reluctance to let go has in everyday life. For example, is it affecting your work and/or social life ?

We're here to help and support you. How best can we do that ?

geoff · ‎04-12-2016

hi Vidiot, I thought I needed to reply to your post as I'm about to logoff, as I start at 3 am, but whow, I am so devastated for you, as I was married for 25 years but that's exactly what I thought about my wife, now ex, and she would never confess either, but there were so many times when I thought it had to be going on, inexcusable and weak denials that were never justified.
It's been almost 12 years since our divorce, but I have to understand that my drinking and depression did drive her away,but yes I do question why she hooked up with someone else so quickly, a person older than her, and someone who has everything she hated in me, but for her and myself to be together again could never happen, because it would only take us back to the same situation were once in.
Yes I will always love her but she only cares for me, and this won't change because she has another life, and if something happens that we do live together, it will never work, even though she gets my jokes and does laugh, but in a short time it would be over once again.
I'm so sorry for you but you can still love her as much as you want to, but she has another life. Geoff.

pipsy · ‎04-12-2016

Hi Vidiot. I can understand totally the need to forgive and forget. I was married for 25 years, my ex didn't have any affairs (that I know of). Our biggest problem was his inability to put me ahead of his demanding parents. Their needs were always more important than me. However, if you did reconcile, would you feel secure every time she went out. Would you feel the need to question her whereabouts? Trust is ultra in marriage, where there's doubt, there's little or not trust. I too considered a reconciliation, my ex FIL became extremely depressed when his wife was admitted to a rest home. I had to think about what I would be returning to if I did return. More of my ex being there for his dad, knowing that, again, I would be ignored. I realize it's hard, you're obviously lonely, miss her etc. I too missed my ex for a while. Missing them is partly because their company (such as it is) is better than no company. You are grieving too, that doesn't mean you're pathetic, it means you have feelings. Do you have anyone you can talk to. Perhaps ask a Dr for some help with the depression that you have. The depression is possibly making you feel more lonely and needy.

Lynda

159357 · ‎04-12-2016

If you still care, try to direct those feelings elsewhere. You might even need to do this to non-living objects to get through. If you're forced to think about her because your mind won't stop, think about the good things and only those. Have some pride in yourself as it means you are capable of the highest tier of love, still caring after one is gone. At least they won't be wasting ur time anymore.

Vidiot · ‎05-12-2016

Appreciate the responses peeps, I know I'm not perfect, I consider myself a good guy that's done bad things, to myself, to my family and to my ex, I'm about to start building my new home as a owner builder, I truly hope this will leave me to exhausted to keep rehashing things in my head, I've also committed to quit smoking after 33 years I've been taking medication for 4 days now, I know there's concerns about it but I don't think I've felt any I'll effects, aside from diminished taste and a couple of vivid dreams, I'm not religious so it might be hard for some to understand my devotion to marriage, but I still view my family as a unit, including the ex, I could no sooner turn my back on her than I could on my kid's, again I'd like to thank you as your word's have helped, they've made me look at things differently.

pipsy · ‎05-12-2016

hey Vidiot. You did your best to hold your marriage together. Unfortunately, your wife didn't work with you. I am not what I would consider 'religious' either, but when we marry, we do have expectations of 'everlasting love'. The fact that you will always 'be there' for your wife and kids is commendable, but you also have to be there for yourself. If the AD's are causing nasty side effects, a visit to your Dr to discuss them would be beneficial. AD's can take a while to start working and sometimes the side effects mean they need adjusting. Congrats on the commitment to quit smoking. With all the things you are trying to change in your life, remember to be aware you may need time to readjust to all the changes you intend making. Take it slowly and gently.

Lynda

159357 · ‎06-12-2016

I'm unable to get past this point in a breakup, i hope you are able to overcome it in as short of time as possible.