Why am I always chasing attention from other females when I’m in a relationship

[Blu]

2 previous relationships and I find myself chatting and messaging other females or looking in dating sites. 
have never slept with anyone apart from my partner in relationships but seems like I need the attention from something missing from childhood 

[Croix]

Dear Blu~

Welcome to the Forum, a good place to come to help one get one's thoughts in order. I hope being here will help.

I guess the first and most obvious question is do you want to stop doing this? It does have the potential to make life worse and I'm sure you will have thought about these things yourself.

First is how your partner feels. She may not know if you have hidden your activities, not a habit that brings people closer together. If she knows or does find out what is the effect on her? Very many people would regard it firstly as being unfaithful (even if no physicality is involved), or that they were in some way inadequate. Probably most importantly if you have hidden or lied about it the that dishonesty is a real wedge between you.

It could also be that by not paying exclusive attention to your partner you come to regard her as less a part of your life.

Please do not think I'm judging or even suggesting you stop. I am simply pointing some of the more obvious possible downsides. After all your partner may already know and be quite happy with the idea.

If you did wish to stop then trying to give up an ingrained pleasurable habit is very hard to do, and I'd suggest getting professional help. I'm not going to try to guess why you make these contacts, you have provided one possible reason, there may be others, and some  might come as a surprise to you.

May I suggest that whatever you decide you might like to consider being open with your partner. This of course might not be possible, you are the best judge of that . If you were open then that wedge would not be there, and if you were trying to give up her encouragement and praise rahter than discovery and blame might be a significant help.

A final consideration might be the people you interact with and the effect it may have on them,  particularly if they have built their hopes up.

I'd be interested to know what you think about all this

Croix

[therising]

Hi Blu

It can be so frustrating when the analyst in us will give us a clue but won't give us the overall picture, when it comes to why we behave or think the way we do. Whether it's the analyst in you pointing to a childhood factor or maybe someone externally who's mentioned it, a single clue is far from a mind altering life changing revelation but it can definitely lead to one. Looking for one clue at a time is what develops the detective in us. Btw, gut instinct makes for a good detective. Kinda like 'I feel there could be something to that. I'll explore that lead, that possibility'. 

A few possible leads? Not sure if any will resonate

• Looking for love? While we may not be looking for love, maybe the child in us is. Definitely helps to define what 'love' means to us, so as to know why we're not feeling it perhaps or even giving it in the ways that can bring us a sense of satisfaction and joy. Helps to know what we're actually looking for
• Looking for validation? Again, we might not be looking for any form of recognition or validation but maybe the kid in us is. Feeling important to someone and fully accepted by someone (with all our little idiosyncrasies) is very validating. Looking until we find that can create a longing, a longing to find it anywhere we can get it
• A longing for a sense of evolution and excitement? You could also call this 'An intolerance to boredom'. I think that if we're in a relationship where sameness has become the theme, adding ventures (adventuring) may become one of our greatest desires. New ventures are what creates a difference, leading us to evolve while experiencing a sense of excitement. The question in this case becomes 'How can I bring more excitement and more adventures to my existing relationship. How can my partner and I become more adventurous and excited together, in a whole variety of ways?'. It can be about meeting the challenges within the relationship, as opposed to seeking a sense of fulfillment outside of it

If none of these ideas resonate, at least you can tick them off your list of possibilities as you continue looking for the next clue. A greater sense of self understanding is definitely worth all the detective work.

As a gal who's been married to the same guy for 22 years, the relationship has definitely developed the analyst in me, the detective, the excitement seeker and more. It's led me to question stuff that also relates to the kid in me. A committed relationship develops a whole variety of facets within us that go toward making up the whole of who we are. I hope it doesn't take you too long before you find your next clue. Some people gain their clues from mental health professionals and certain assessments. For example, while all my son's clues eventually added up to an official diagnosis of high functioning autism (once known as Asperger's), my daughter's clues added up to ADHD and the challenges that come with that. Myself, I'm simply 'a feeler' or someone who's sensitive to what they feel. Took me decades to work that one out. All the clues were there and eventually added up. While I once received what I regard as a misdiagnosis of 'You're someone who's prone to depression and will most like experience episodes for the rest of your life' (a seriously depressing diagnosis btw), a matter of fact is 'I can simply feel what's depressing'. It's one of my abilities as a sensitive person. If I couldn't feel what's depressing, how would I know it's depressing? Feelings typically point to what needs addressing. They're handy things to have.

[Scared]

Next time you find yourself chasing women stop and ask yourself

What is my motive for doing this

What feeling am I getting from chasing

The answers are in you so you just have to pay attention to the questions and feelings that you get from this very basic question.

Could be you love to chase

Could be you looking for attention

Could be you want to know if your still good enough ( validation )  etc...