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When you are lead on while their partner is pregnant

Community Member
A friend (or who I thought was a good friend) started messaging me about 8 months ago. It started off innocent checking how I was but then they got flirty and nothing felt wrong. I didn’t know they had feelings for me or that they had ever thought about me in that way. I have a partner and so do they. We started talking a lot. Most days. More than we had over our 3 years of friendship. It started to Include commenting on how I look etc. but also conversations that were like chatting between two good friends. I started to begin to think it was an emotional relationship. I didn’t know his partner and they hadn’t been dating for an overly long time. Fast forward to last week, still talking and some personal details about my past came up in conversation including about ex partners and how we have both learnt from past relationships. He had called me pretty a number of times and that he regrets us not dating when we were both single. Only yesterday he said what a great friend I was. And today I found out his partner had a baby. I feel like an idiot. And hurt because if someone was such a great friend, wouldn’t you tell them that their partner is pregnant. Now I feel like I was just used to fill the gap during the pregnancy. I’m feeling lost and hurt. I think I have lost the friend I thought I had.
4 Replies 4

Community Member

Oh Lily...

I am there with you... that is a recent pain I have felt and still feel, and realising more every day that I fell for him more than he ever considered me....

I will say it is his loss. That you are clearly an amazing, trusting and caring person and he doesn't deserve you. I know it doesn't take the pain away, but I'm hoping the support helps.

You are not an idiot, you are human, and humans have feelings, that's just the way we are. It is natural to feel something for someone that shows you that attention.

Trust that it does get easier... though it will take time... and you are not alone.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Lily, and a warm welcome to the site.

I agree with Becca,'it will be his loss', it's not your fault to know his partner had a baby, that's what he didn't tell you, simply because he was out to be more than someone who was messaging you and you weren't to know of his current situation and whether or not the baby was actually his or the pregnancy was caused by him.

A true friend who talks with you for 8 months by messaging you and grooming you into believing they're single, but in fact have a partner with a developing family is certainly not a person you can trust, but please don't blame yourself at all, you weren't to know.

If you had a 3 year relationship and messaging between the two of you started and lasted for almost a year, you would imagine having a coffee together would have been organised.

We develop strength in one way or another in many ways we had never known from different situations that confront us and fortunately, this was an occasion you were able to pull through.

Best wishes.


Community Member
Thank you Geoff and Becca. I think it is a good opportunity to move forward. It’s just hard when you are reflecting on the things that were said. Only last month I posted online a photo with my baby nephew and they posted that I would make a great Mum! Little did I know a month later..they became a dad. We go to the same social sports group twice a week which I can’t bring myself to go to... I feel that everyone else in sport knew but myself ..... I had a flirty message closing off with “from your friend” a day before the baby was born!! Not surprising nothing since.. I am not a confronting person. And I couldn’t tell my partner about this. So thank you for your input. I will take each day as it comes. And move forward. I know I will cross paths with them in the near future. I have no idea what I will say. I guess I will probably have to ignore the fact that I was hurt. And they will ignore the fact that they acted the way they did ...

Thanks Becca for your touching words. Sorry to hear you are also feeling this way. I think our own strength and maturity will help get us through in the end.