Whats the point

[Gemini]

I was in a relationship for 8 yrs with a man who helped me to regain my self esteem after a bad marriage, he made me feel like I was the most wonderful, sexy , smart and attractive woman alive. And then he left me, he chose someone else. I loved this man so much, I really believed that we were soul mates. Its now obvious that he didn’t love me as much as I thought which leads me to think everything he ever told me about me was a lie. He simply told me what I wanted to hear. Now my self esteem has taken a massive nose dive. I am really struggling to recover from this. The relationship ended over a year ago. At the start of this year my 2 daughters moved out with their boyfriends, I moved into a small house close to my work. I am living alone for the first time in my entire life. At first everything was ok, when the relationship ended I still had my girls around and there was always something to keep me busy. When I moved I was excited, I loved the thought of being on my own, doing my own thing ect. But these last few months I seem to have gone downhill. I feel teary all the time, I question my purpose for being alive. I just work to pay bills, I don’t do anything, I don’t socialize, I don’t have any friends. I don’t visit family. I don’t visit my grandkids… I work rotating shifts which means I have different days off each week. I don’t want to interrupt my kids lives just so I could visit. I have tried dating again but I feel so insecure, worthless. What’s the point in trying to sell my good qualities when I have so many bad ones. I am old, 52, I am overweight, I smoke and I have a broken heart that may never mend. The thing is, I have always been a strong person, I have always figured things out, I get up brush myself off and move on. But this time I can’t, nothing I have tried seems to work. It ‘s like I deliberately sabotage my own efforts to feel good about myself.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[AGrace]

Hi Gemini,

Welcome to the forums. I can hear the hurt and frustration in your post. I'm sorry that you feel so low at the moment.

So your relationship ended a little while back, but you had your children, so you were easily able to distract and suppress. Now that your children have left it sounds like your heart and soul want to finally grieve. The end of a relationship is just like any other loss. We have to go through the grieving process. Have you considered getting some support with this? It might be helpful to see your GP and perhaps even get a referral to a Psychologist or counsellor.

Sadly with depression the mind gets hooked on everything negative, and the positive stuff seems very cloudy and distant. Hence you say you are lacking in motivation to do anything. The good thing is that you've managed to keep working - this can be a good distraction, even if it it is just to pay the bills.

I'd suggest one thing at a time. If I re-list all the things you don't do/have then I think we can assume they're all the things you wish you were/had.  

"I don’t socialize"  - I guess this comes from networking and getting a group of friends so that you feel you have places to go. 

"I don’t have any friends" - What sorts of things do you enjoy? My parents are in a similar situation to you. My dad has joined a swimming group, and my mum joined a knitting group and a book club. There are plenty of ways to meet people.

"I don’t visit family" - Is it possible to get family to visit you? Hosting afternoon tea is relatively simple, and will give you a chance to socialise. 

"I don’t visit my grand kids" - Three weeks ago I asked my sister if my nephews could take a day off school so that I could hang out with them. I don't think your daughters will think you are interrupting their lives. They love you, of course they want you to visit your grand kids. And being around children can be very helpful for depression.

"I'm overweight" - If you want to change this, you'll need to do the hard work. Look at your eating habits. Decide on a form of exercise that you enjoy. Perhaps yoga, or walking, swimming? Exercise with a group, even if it's through your local community centre, this will give you another opportunity to meet people.

Depression wants us to withdraw, isolate, feel lonely, and unlovable, beating it means not giving in to it's desires. This isn't easy which is why I suggest getting some extra professional support.

I hope to hear back from you.

AGrace

[Gemini]

I am really not very good at expressing myself. I re read what I wrote and thought thats so winey and soo not me. I am a strong woman, I have overcome so much in my life. married to an abusive violent alcholic for 24 years, I had a still born baby at full term, I have had cervical cancer, a tumor (thankfully benign) on my overies, My life has always been a struggle financially.. but I have always survived. I have felt down before, a little depressed at what life was throwing at me. but never like this, its never gone on for soo long. and I have been trying, I have tried to join groups, I was doing aqua aerobics at the local pool. I took up kayaking and paddleboarding. I have tried to develope hobbies. but they are all just sitting there. I look and think... why bother, its all just meaningless.it doent give me real joy. I know you sugest we see our GP, get help ect. but I baulk at this because I feel that I am a smart lady, I can figure this out surely. I am the one that helps others, I am the good listener, the calm rational one. If I cant work out my own problems then how can a complete stranger. Google is my friend, I google everything, which is how I ended up here. that test put me as high. I thought i may be suffering with depression, but tried to dismiss it. I am ok at work, around people, but at home alone, it hits me and i avoid everyone. i sit here feeling sad and lonely, I tear up or cry several times a day for no apparent reason. I dont believe that I would kill myself, I admit it has crossed my mind. but it was dismissed, I would more likely just go away somewhere to be alone. I feel like no one would miss me if I did. Sometimes i am home alone for 4 or 5 days at a time  without seeing or talking to anyone

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[Snoman]

Hi Gemini,

When I first started my road to recovery, like you, I wanted to baulk at getting help.  "I am smart.  I am in charge of my thoughts.  I did this once before without help.  I have great self control.  Of course I can fix myself.  I'm just being silly."

My wife had confronted me and suggested I had depression.  I had been researching it and I too scored high.  It seemed normal to me.  Weird even if someone would score less than high.

Because my wife was involved, I went to the GP.  Because I was feeling so bad, I gratefully accepted a prescription for AD's.  Partly hoping they would help, partly curious to see the effect, and partly to appease my wife.  I needed to look like I was trying.

I (reluctantly on the inside) accepted the idea of going to see a psychologist who uses the ACT (acceptance commitment therapy) framework to treat depression.  "There is nothing they will tell me that I don't know or could google.  I know the kinds of things ACT uses.  I know all this stuff."

I went anyway.  I needed to look like I was trying, right.  The theory being that I am trying to get well as fast as possible to be able to get back to work and contribute financially.

Yes I did know all the stuff the psych said.  But I had forgotten.  He taught me techniques I didn't know.  I had the related book, but I couldn't concentrate long enough to read it (so google-ing would be pointless).  It was so much easier and more effective to see my psych.

I no longer think it a weakness to get professional help - just more efficient.  You might be able to get through it on your own, but professional help may just help you get through this quicker, and thats a good thing!

Please go and make an appointment to see a GP about it.  Making that appointment is a difficult but great start.

Let us know how you go.

[geoff]

dear Gemini, a lot of people can offer assistance to other people because it's not about themselves, however 'I cant work out my own problems then how can a complete strange', this happens because we would say to them to do what ever, but it's something that we couldn't actually do ourselves.

I truly believe you when you say 'that you are smart', but depression suppresses our deep thoughts as well as being able to think clearly.

I am worried for you being home alone for 4 or 5 days, because this only cements in your negative thoughts.

I was in denial thinking that I was strong enough to handle my depression and overcome it by myself, but I was wrong and needed someone to talk to, and sometimes if they offer very little help it's at least someone to be able to discuss about what's happened over the time since I last had a session.

I do hope that you re-consider about seeing a psych. L Geoff. x

[Snoman]

Gemini,

While reading Geoff's comments, I thought of another way of looking at things:

It is your head and your condition, so it is yours to fix.  In the same way, if you were a master builder with a house to build, it would be your job to build it.  You don't do all the physical work with your bare hands.  Instead, you sub-contract out to various different trade specialists and you use power tools to speed up building.

You have the job of "fixing" your brain.  You can sub-contract out to some specialists like GPs and psychs.  You can also use meds as "power tools" to speed up the process.  Unfortunately some days there will be bad weather and you won't be able to work on the job.  That happens in all jobs.

At the end of the day, you can take full credit for the job, as without you in charge, the house would not have been built, or your head would not have been fixed.

Sno

[Gemini]

Thank you for the replies. All very helpful and I guess the general consensus is that I seek proffessional help. There is a big difference to feeling low and actually being diagnosed as depressed. It's called denial, I think I wanted to do everything I can to try and fix myself first. Thats why I came here. I thought if I read other peoples stories I would realise that what I'm feeling is just normal stuff and that if I told my story someone would say "suck it up sunshine, you dont have real depression" " your just being self centered". I do know that my depression is feeding on its self ( wow its hard to type through tears). I am scared to think that I may actaully be depressed and need proffesional help.

[AGrace]

Hi Gemini,

If it makes you feel any better 1/4 of the population experiences some for of mental illness. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. In terms of fear, for me the only fear is in not getting better. If you continue the path of denial that's exactly what will eventuate.

We can all do everything on our own, until we can't do anything. When it's hard enough to just get out of bed in the morning, what good are we going to be in treating ourselves for depression? As Snoman says, you can know everything at an intellectual level, what the therapists do is help you put it into practice in your daily life. They also aren't inside your mind, so they can view your troubles more objectively than you can.

I am yet to meet a single person who got through depression on their own. The smart people are the one's who ask for help, and work with others to get things done.

Will you let us know when you make the call to your GP, and when you get into see a Psychologist?

AGrace