What's the best way to end this "friendship"?

[Earth Girl]

I met this girl in CIT a long time ago and we became friends. For about the first year, I enjoyed the friendship, but after a while, it sort of went down hill. She's actually really nice, but she gets offended extremely easily (over things that aren't even offensive sometimes), she repeats a lot of the things she says several times and I can't be myself around her at all. I just turn into a completely different person and I just found that I didn't enjoy the friendship any more, but I continued being friends with her for 3 more years because I didn't want to hurt her. One day in the third year I realised that I really couldn't take it any more because she was talking about two of her other friends and she kept repeating everything (about how she wasn't going to talk to them any more - which she had said a lot of times before and then started hanging out with them a week later) and some of the things they did weren't even wrong.

A few days afterwards, she called me and asked if she had done something wrong and I said that she hadn't and that I just couldn't be myself around her and she asked if I still wanted to be friends (I had been distancing myself for a while) and I said that she's really lovely, but I didn't think it was working out. She texted me a few days later asking if we were still friends and I tried to tell her nicely that it wasn't working out because I can't be myself and I said "sorry I don't want to hurt you."

I sometimes see her at the shops and she always tells me that she misses catching up with me and asks me if I want to friends again and I have to keep explaining to her that I think she is a really nice person, but I can't be myself around her. I don't know what else to say because she thinks we should still be friends.

I feel really bad because she hasn't hurt me or anything, but the friendship really wasn't working out - I found it exhausting and it felt more like people awkwardly talking to each other superficially instead of a friendship. My sister said it would be okay to tell her that I just wasn't enjoying the friendship, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. I feel like no matter what, her feelings are going to get hurt though and I don't want that to happen yet again.

I also don't know what to tell her when says things such as "Does your Mum know we aren't friends any more?" "I want to be friends again, but I know you don't want to catch up", "We should be friends again." "Come say hi when you see me working in my store."

[Sophie_M]

Hi Earth Girl,

Thank you for finding it in yourself to post a prety tricky one. I can imagine it is both frustrating, and concerning from a compassionate perspective. 

Often in life when we value others, even if we don't care for the closely, it can feel like a struggle to set boundaries. Especially so when we feel guilt that the other person will be hurt by them.  It is worth remembering that the stronger we get in setting boundaries the more we can learn to use them to keep relationships going instead of ending them - but even when that is necessary you kind still show kindness to yourself . Certainly, a really hard skill to learn, but an important one!

Let me recommend to you the services of our friends over at friendline. You can find them online at www.friendline.org.au or by giving them a shout at 1800 424 287

Of course, you can always reach out to us here at beyond blue on 1300 22 4636.

Thank you for contributing to our community, I am sure many of your peers will be helping out soon!

Regards,

Sophie M

[Earth Girl]

Hi Sophie M, thanks for your help. I finished my CIT course a long time ago and I don't have many friends so it probably sounds strange that I don't want this friendship, but yeah, it just wasn't working. I will definitely try friendline! 🙂

[Juliet_84]

Hi EarthGirl,

You’ve done the right thing, you’ve explained to her that the friendship isn’t working for you and given your reasons why. It seems to be falling on deaf ears but it doesn’t really matter because all you really need to do is just never meet up with her. Ok you run into her at the shops occasionally, she says “we should hang out, I miss you”, you insert whatever excuse you want “you’re busy at the moment with work” etc or even a vague “oh yeah we should” and just never call and never arrange a date. It sounds harsh but you’ve honestly explained yourself so many times at this point that it seems kind of harsh to keep having to hammer it home. Block her number if you feel the need to etc, but I think you just need to be polite when you see her but distant and just keep going with the fade

[Earth Girl]

Hi Juliet,

I don't think she understands why I don't want to be friends any more. When I tell her I can't be myself around her she says "But I thought you were being yourself?" "It's okay, you can be yourself around me" and it's a bit awkward, but yeah, I think the best thing to do is just continue not to meet up with her any more and keep things brief.

Thank you. 🙂

[geoff]

Hello Earth Girl, if this girl is lovely but she turns you into another person, then sometimes you have to be 'cruel to be kind', otherwise she will always question what you say and make uncivilised comments about other people you like.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Juliet_84]

In that case, I think you need to elaborate more on the specific reasons why you don’t want to be her friend anymore

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Earth Girl,

Its very sad when a friend, a nice friend wants or needs some companionship and friendship...but the other person does not want theirs anymore..after 3 years of being friends..

You do say that this person is a nice person, I think she values your friendship and you very much.....

I’m wondering if you could maybe have a one on one chat with her and explain very gently to her, how she is making you feel...not yourself around her etc...how she constantly repeats herself is bothering you....maybe allocate a short time once a week/fortnightly/monthly to hang out with her, to keep the friendship alive....I know you don’t want her as your friend anymore...maybe try to be more kind of casual friends...rather then good friends...

She might be a very insure person and goes way beyond your friendship barriers..idk...set some boundaries like I mentioned above....

Ask yourself....if you never saw or heard from her again...would you miss her...even the slightest little bit?...

I am sorry, about my post...but I do value friendships....very much...I have a couple of close friends..at times they do annoy me...then other times they are wonderful, friendship is both good and bad...give and take, happy and sad...but if she is causing you a lot of stress...I think it’s best to end it ASAP....instead of leading her on and having her thinking that you are still liking her and being friends with her..

It shows in your post, that you care about this girl, because you don’t want to hurt her..

My kindest thoughts with my care lovely Earth Girl..

Grandy..