What happens now

[Shyone]

Hi,
So I have posted before about my marriage, wanting to save it. Well that hasn't happened and as of tonight it is over.
What do I do now we have a house mortgage, van etc loans together. Where do I start?

[Guest909]

Hi Shyone

It is probably best to call on the RA national number 1300 364 277. The operator will direct you to the appropriate section depending on what type of help or assistance you need; no need to ask for a department. Just tell them what has happened and that you are after some legal advice etc... I found them to be very easy to talk to.

The following link will give you a list of RA services if you would like to have a read first. You have nothing to lose.

https://www.relationships.org.au/what-we-do/services

Good luck, let us known how things go!

[ecomama]

Hi Shyone

Please phone Women's Legal Service and get some clear directions and legal advice.

You can go from there. Just breathe and try to take care of yourself.

Hugs
EM

[Shyone]

So I tried to ring the women's legal advice line but it seems it is not open when I finish work. I have however contact operation courage and started there.
Today my eyes have opened and my heart is smashed to pieces because I have seen my husbands true colours, I have always known but never admitted always willing to overlook his faults.
He has been messaging another female and i saw photos. I confronted him about them and told him I saw them. He went bolistic yelling, screaming and swearing at me denying everything, calling me names like psycho, crazy, demented, mental and another name s#@t and walked out telling me it is over and 22yrs down the drain/wasted - sorry but I couldn't help myself and told him if he was going to throw that at me at least he could get it right because it is 29.
Anyway the next day in a message I thanked him for picking our son up from school and hope that one day when his anger settles we could get along. That night he rang and said he didn't want to fight any more we needed to get along for the kids. I agreed.
Now today I find out totally different. He is telling everyone I have kicked him out. The female that he has been texting has called me names and threaten harm to me the next time she sees me - they have worked together and deleted what I saw so I have no proof.
I just want to get all this over and done with. If it wasn't the loans/house holding me here the kids and I would be gone.

[Shyone]

Anxiety is kicking in again.
My husband has given our eldest his smart watch and whilst clearing it i found messages between him and her from this afternoon. I am so angry. I so want to tell him he is not welcome here anymore but I have tried all night to find out my options too no avail.
 

[Guest909]

Hi Shyone

It's a bad situation; I agree.

I know you have hit rock bottom; who wouldn't after 29 years. Your husband has betrayed your trust and you are probably feeling very used. On the flip side, you now know what has happened. Hopefully with knowledge, you may learn to accept the situation and stop blaming yourself. It will take time to heal; but you will get through this.

If you have not had any joy with RA or the WLS it might be best to talk to a lawyer. Make sure that you talk to a lawyer that specialises in "family law"; do not go to a "criminal" lawyer; there is a big difference.

Depending on where you are, you may find many family law specialists that will offer a free first consultation. You can discuss your options at this consultation. After the free consult, you are under no obligation to retain their services.

One other point, in the realm of Australian Family Law, your husband's infidelity means nothing - see citation below. Unfortunately, we have a system that on occasion punishes the innocent and rewards the guilty.

The Family Law Act 1975 established the principle of no-fault divorce in Australian law. This means that a court does not consider which partner was at fault in the marriage breakdown. The only ground for divorce is the irretrievable breakdown of the relationship, demonstrated by 12 months of separation.

If you are concerned about your safety, go down to your local police station. Tell them what is going on and ask if they can help. If the threat is very real, the police will issue a "protection order". If the threat is not so real, the police may help mediate a simple agreement where your husband agrees to give you sole occupancy of the house for a period. You won't really know what they can do until you go and have a chat with them. The police will take your concerns seriously.

If you are not eating or sleeping, now might be a good time to visit your doctor. S/he will most likely prescribe a medication for anxiety. The anti-anxiety medication will improve your quality of life dramatically. It won't solve your problems; but you will eat and sleep.

Stay in touch if you are up to it!

Paul

[Sophie_M]

Hey Shyone,
We're so sorry to hear you found these messages, we understand how distressing this would have been. 

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.

[Shyone]

I am so confused right now
On the roller coaster ride of emotions.
An hour ago I was so cranky i wanted out, i wanted him out of our (my kids and i) lives so we knew where we stood, knew we could do whatever we wanted without him walking in the door. Well now.......i wish he would walk through that door and come home. He has hurt me so many times over 30yrs and I've had enough of his lies and deception but I wish he was here 😭😭😭😭😭😭.

[Guest909]

These are normal emotions.

You will continue to ride the rollercoaster for some time. One minute you will want him out; the next you will want to try again. You will flip-flop between these two extremes in less than a minute. Your head it telling you it's over; your heart wants everything to go back to normal.

Have you seen your doctor about getting something to help you sleep; something to help with the anxiety? If no, please do so. I know from bitter experience that sleep deprivation and anxiety makes everything 10 times worse. You will feel a lot better after some good sleep.

Paul

[Shyone]

You are right Mr Paul. He has been here now for about an hour and I wish he wasn't here. He is making me anxious because he is on his phone so my insecurities are saying he is messaging her. I am all over the place. Again I am back to wanting nothing to do with him and wishing him away. This is insane. Now that he is gone i am anxious as to where he is going and if he is with her. OMG this is messing up my head. The sooner I get away the better, he may still be on my mind but at least he won't be in my face.

[Guest909]

When I was in your position 12 month ago, I had the same problem that you are having now. My mind started telling me stories, and because the stories repeated over and over again, I began to believe the stories that my mind was telling me. I was on the road to nowhere good!

Luckily, while I was sitting in the waiting room waiting to see my psychologist (that's how screwed up I was), I picked up a book called, "The Happiness Trap" by Dr Russ Harris. That same afternoon I went online and purchased it. It is the only phycology book that I have ever read; it changed my post separation life for the better. In fact, I found the book far more helpful than the phycologist I was seeing at the time. If you can get hold of it at the library, or online, it is well worth the read.

If you have not already done so, a visit to the GP might help you get some much needed sleep. Right now anxiety is one of your biggest problems - well, it was for me.

Paul