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What do you think about this situation , gf wants to work with me ?

Guest_1584
Community Member

Hi people.

l'd love to hear any thoughts and perspectives about my situation so please feel free ok.

My gf was living 12hours away . So when since we've met she comes down to stay a few mths a time , goes home for a few wks , comes back . She's got a casual job at home so she can come and go. Thing is she's also had a hell of a last 6 or 6yrs , a lot like mine , and her nerves are shot and she has a few other health things. God do l know how she feels. However when she's here , it's like everything just goes away for us both and we have the coolest life and times. l work at home and she just helps out , or does things round the house or outside , she's so fantastic to have around not only such a huge help which is so damn nice for a change lifes been damn hard since divorce it's just been beautiful having someone so special in my corner again, and she does that much around here or even at work , just goes out and does stuff and works that damn hard , but of course there's also the US factor and just being together too. And she's just settled right down her health comes a lot better her nerves , we both just so relaxed content and at ease.

Sooo, here's the thing. She's moving down soon and in , well that's what we're thinking. She wants to just keep our life as is , she helps at work and around the place and not get other work . She's been seeing doctors for 5yrs but still can't get some kind of centrelink thing even though they've given letters saying that she shouldn't be working but with us she's ok because everything's relaxed and she copes really well , it's like a new her and we both really like the life. My ex w and l both worked from how for a few year back when and for us anyway , that was also a great life and still one of the best times of my life , and ironically after everything , here's gf and we've loved it too.

Thing is , that would mean though we'd both be dependent on my income which would be our income. It covers enough , we wouldn't be rich but we'd get by ok her being here really doesn't make much difference to expenses. But it would also be great if she had just a bit of work on the side bringing in a bit extra , so l'm just not sure what to think about it all being on my work , our work.

Would you have any thoughts on the situation , should l ?

ironically , when l was single l met girls full set up , one had 100k in the bank, another one had 5houses , crikey that'd be nice , buttttt, we are what we are and she's a great girl.

28 Replies 28

Hi to one and all .

l had to go dig out this thread as l probably have too many going and this one is the subject at hand right now , well in a fashion. Bloody hell l've discussed a lot on BB , feel a little embarrassed tbh from what l can tell most just have one thread and it all goes around in that. l've had some big issues though right through this last 5 -6yrs so l sort of feel the need to focus on one at a time , hope that's ok with the forum. l've thought of starting a one thread for it all , dunno how that'd work out. But anyway oligopolies i;m wasting space in the place or something.

At any rate , this situation is still on going . We are still together in one sense as in 1200k apart again , but l'm back to doubts.

She's wanted to move in right through but last yr my daughter was living here and going through big stuff and l just felt l needed the house for her as they hadn't really spent any time around ea other and if that didn't gel then it'd only make my daughters situation far worse again , and l just could risk that for her. Since then , last my gf was down , 3mths ago , they spent a lot of time around ea other and gf was so good with my daughter and very supportive and understanding of her issues , so it was actually a shame later that she didn't just move in back when , and we wouldn't be in the situation we're now in.

Here's the thing , bc she couldn't move in at that time , she has legal cases going on up in Sydney and so she had to keep them going there, rather than transfer them down to Vic with me here. She can't change states with them now or since that point of not moving in , so she's now stuck in Sydney until they're done. And there's no dates yet, it could be 6mths, could be longer.

wEll , she's certainly proven to be one helluva gf and partner through all this and the last she was down here , she really helped my daughter too , it was such a shame she couldn't stay .

Thing is and l was talking about it in another thread , one of the court cases is about her visa . Her ex got nasty and wrote lies to immigration and they cancelled her visa pending a complete new hearing . So that's one court case and we have no idea when or what the outcome will be , all hearings were held up with Covid and there's a back log. That one was suppose to be 6mths ago but now no one knows and she may even be kicked out if they don't reinstate her visa.

The second is financial regards her divorce this is why the ex went off , trying to get out of paying her out. She is divorced has been 5yrs , but this part of it was never settled. l'm not that worried about that one and considering the stress she's under l've even said to hell with it let him keep the money we'll be right , not worth it for what your going through with both case. That's also Sydney based and the same as the visa hearing.

Well , she has all this going on you could imagine the frame she's in poor thing , and we're not even sure if they'll reinstate her visa , if they don't we couldn't go for another one at this stage . lt's just too complicated and expensive and we just couldn't manage it. And so that'd be that for us and we have no idea when we'll know.

The thing is , l just don't know whether to keep going with US at this stage. It's been 2 1/2 yrs we've only been together 1/2 of that and now with these delays it could well be another 12mths , and her visa might not even be reinstated . She's just about losing it it's all been so much , lawyers and doctors and immigration letters and ex doing a number on her , poor thing . Sometimes US being there even if apart is a help and support , but at others it's just too emotional and in a way makes it harder on her.

And then there's the time , she may be able to still come down for a few wks , here and there but it's so hard on her on she's just in bad shape right now. l can't go up there bc there's nowhere to stay where she's at and so the expense and whole motel thing for just a few days doesn't really solve much.

l just don't know , wait it out , more yrs , set US both free and her to deal with her stuff , risk her being kicked out anyway at the end of it all , to go on or not to go on.

What a mess. rx.

Hello RX, it is a complicated problem that every door you try and open there's a brick wall you need to get through, that makes it very difficult for you and I'm really sorry.

Your daughter requires all your help and support, just as your GF does, but even having a loving relationship with another person can change over time, and I'm certainly not saying this will happen, but it's essential to know that communication between you and your GF helps you both to be connected and understand the problems and joys that life provide.

At this point, RX, you're thinking about what others want and not about what you really want, and no matter how much you love someone you aren't able to read what they're thinking or actually want, and I'm only saying this to protect you.

Body language can be a distinctive indication of how someone reacts to a comment you've made and not necessarily what they say or how they've said it, again my apologies.

With your GF's ex trying to get out of paying her out is certainly a big problem for her, but the courts need to make a decision on this, she may be able to organise payments to a lawyer to be over several months, or until a court decision has been finalised.

Her visa and what has been said will be known once a hearing has been organised and if he has made ominous statements, then can a decision whether or not he should be charged.

I mean all of this in total sincerity.

Geoff.

Guest_1584
Community Member

Thanks very much Geoff , always appreciated.

Gf , yeah had trust issues with it all and her earlier as you know , she hadn't really done anything though, it was more from me and the situation, needing time for as you say basically, to just see if actions and yeah in ways as you say body language , feelings the whole thing , matched. But she's been incredible in fact right through riding this out , me , us , her feelings, all of it. Although she's been very emotional and all over the place at times understandably with everything else and at times just US being there has just been too much on top of it but that hasn't been about us she's actually stayed as solid as a rock on anything us and me, loyal supportive , loving , never budging, it still amazes me just daily how she still even has head room and heart to be so supportive to me , my daughter , with everything she has going on. l mean l hear what your saying but they're still the same, stronger if anything. lt's very weird with us, everything she's going through,all this and being apart so much brings most people and relationships undone but we actually grow if anything it's almost become a testimate in itself alone tbh.

So yeah it's all become about those damn brick walls lately, legals and being apart, the life passing buy lately, more time, more time, how much longer do l give this and what's the outcome. We''ll probably be 31/2 yrs by the time it's all settled maybe longer, that's a lot of life on hold at this stage not getting any younger , and what if she has to leave after all that. lt's the strangest thing , l can't see anyone else in my life, even my cards only show us , and very strongly , yet all this and we don't even know if she'll be able to stay.

lf not the visa issue we;d ride this out and know when it's done we can start life , but we can't know. There is one small light on that, she might have to move down anyway and wait out the court cases here but just not tell them she's here. Do everything via phone , video and emails as they've been doing anyway since Covid. Bc she's also got accommodation problems up there now so it'd be the easiest solution and at least we're together . But if not, it could be another yr, even longer and maybe to only to have to leave anyway.

l dunno how l got myself into this. rx

Butttt, l can waffle on all l like about all these things, good things , some incredible , but admittedly l do still have a nagging trust problem no matter them all. lt's not just me , it's bc of things , things easily undone , but she doesn't do it . She does have a real negative streak , l've even thought it a passive aggressive thing , a control thing.

You know , some people like to poke the bear a little , can't help themselves . Some even think it's a way of making a person try harder. She also has a real thing not remembering or noticing goods , but instead throwing in a few bads so praising and loving with one hand yet wielding a line or word or negative to the opposite with the other. We've talked about it a dozen times but it never changes or right when you think it has and she's finally realizing , out it comes again.

lt's not like every day or comment , things can be beautiful for wks or mths , but that's like a false prophecy bc right when you believe again, out comes something that undoes it all for me.

lt's impossible to explain but there in lies my trust issue bc some things no matter how loving and devoted things appear or have been, just keep coming which to me just undo it all once again.

l've always had pretty deadly instincts about things and people and my trust thing not only comes from the stuff above , but doubts , and of course those things just fuel that all the more.

Yeah some things have come up last few days setting it off once again, seems to be a cycle. l know it'd all be sorted and the reals known if we were just around ea other coming and going in a normal situation. So far apart so much your often just not seeing living the real enough to work through doubts.

Certainly doesn;t help the situation and she's so stressed up there that it can tend to come out in more negatives .

rx

l suppose that sounds pretty contradicting to the post above it but it is what is is , just the other side of the coin which l don;t really have an explanation for. Considering both are about as accurate as l can put into words.

Hello RX, I know exactly what you're saying, and when we predict that today is going to be good for example, the surprise happens and it turns out to be not so good as you've just mentioned, so it's a bit of a shock to our system.

In any relationship, we learn to realise what type of reaction we'll get from our partner/spouse but when it comes unexpectedly, we're unsure of how we should react, do we agree or do we try and explain the positives and/or the negatives knowing how they are feeling.

That's not easy to follow in any circumstances, knowing what result you are hoping for.

Take care.

Geoff.

Guest_1584
Community Member

Hi Geoff.

Man you got no idea how relieving your post was and appreciated. Sometimes it can feel a bit crazy trying to explain the intricacies of a problem -not that l do it very often save it for bb my private place mostly butttt.

You've nailed it right there. The trouble is we can't talk about those tendencies she has it's useless, have done a dozen times but they just never change and l find them soul destroying .

We can have such beautiful special times or such things about us that are so special and unique , or we could've had some really nice car trip as we often do to and from the airport it's a 3hr drive ea way. l just love our airport trips although the ones leaving are usually a bit teary so we';; say the ones coming home, or just a great day. Or she'll look up at me sparkling and say how happy she is but them wham , just has follow that up with also throwing a spear straight through the middle of it . She does it all the time, rarely mentions goods or beautiful s , but will dwell on the one bad instead. l just find it a pin straight through the balloon .

She's always so loving and praising , appreciative , tentative , yet yet has these spears in the other hand at the same time and you know they'll come out as a follow up. lt's just a character trait and no amount of talking , pointing it out or reasoning undoes it .

Some people seem to brush digs and jabs or negatives off or just put up with them on the side or humor them , and they're together 20, 40yrs and mostly otherwise you see loyal and loving to the other between. But l can't do that , they really chew away at me and make the rest feel fake.

Well.

A lots happened in all this this last few days .l always tell her she should be a politician telling you , no one would ever pin her down. But , she said something the other day that was a big thing and really pissed me off so l stepped away for a few days and we didn't talk.

Somehow today , she's fixed it all , just like that,,,with icing, l dunno how she does it. But there is a bit of a language issue when it comes to specifics and she'll often think she's put it right but it actually means totally different in English. Anyway , she explained some stuff, and the way she's put it we figured out wasn't what it was suppose to mean at all matter of fact what it was suppose to mean was quite fair enough especially with things she went onto to explain today. And a lot of it was related to a lot of other things that had been chipping away at me too for mths .

Sooo, in a much better place about things this afternoon. She can def be a bit negative buttttt, it's a major relief knowing these biggies were nothing of a sort. rx