walked out on wife and 2 kids last Sunday

Robert2 · ‎25-10-2015

Hi walked out on wife and 2 kids last Sunday have seen different councillor for last 2 years always getting told by wife I am worst than before going.was trying to be the man she wanted. Only thing I could do was to walk away.

thi is not what I wanted but felt I had to leave

I have given up jobs for her to succeed even moved to far north qld for her job.there is not much up here in support either so I am hoping to get some sound advice from here.

pipsy · ‎26-10-2015

Hi Robert2 Can I ask why you were seeing a counsellor? You said your wife remarked you were worse after seeing the counsellor. It sounds as though she married under false pretences, she's not satisfied with you the way you are. The point is: how do you feel about you? You've done all in your power to help her, what has she done for you? She knew what you were before you married, did she ever indicate she wanted you to be something/somebody else. I would think maybe you should look at why you married her, why you left and which way are you better. Maybe if you both saw a counsellor, they could help you both figure out what you want from the marriage. How old are the kids, they must be wondering where dad is? It's always sad when a marriage fails, worse when there's kids.

I hope you can sort something out to the benefit of both of you. When there's love there is hope. If there's no love, maybe you both have to 'move on'. Sorry if that sounded harsh, that was not the intention.

BB have excellent counsellors. You can phone in too.

Robert2 · ‎26-10-2015

Hi it all comes down to communicate with here and letting my problems become mountains inste ad of having a say in things.kids are17 and 8 we were seeing a marriage counsellor as well.it was a lack of being the man she wants or I could be.i still love her .the big killer for me was she said "she could of done more".maybe I was trying to hard I don't know.

Ness20 · ‎26-10-2015

Hi

I'm not sure I can provide you with any advice as I am going through a similar situation as you at present- although I haven't left yet. Relationship break down on my part- I feel he's taken the best parts of me and I've no more to give and I'm lost. Also have an amazing 3 year old daughter-but some days I just want to run away and never come back.

pipsy · ‎01-11-2015

Hi Robert. Not sure if this will help you, but, here goes. I've been married 25 years, the last couple of years we've really grown apart. No children, so can't give you any advice there. My hubby is that wrapt up with his life, we don't really speak. When we do, it's a 'grunt' from him, whether he's heard me or not, don't know. I was blaming him for lack of interest in me. I was pretty uninteresting (my fault there). In the last 6 months or so, I've taken a job which has given me an outside interest. I have gotten to the point that when I come home, I say 'hi' to him, nothing more. Because I'm happier, his mood doesn't affect me the way it did. I think when we try too hard to please our partners, we lose sight of ourselves. Once we start to take an interest in our own lives, our partners sarcasm or apparent lack of interest in us, doesn't really seem to matter that much. I would love for him to take an interest in what I do, but whether he does or doesn't, doesn't matter. It's unfortunate that we've grown apart, but outside family influences have caused it (his family, I don't have any family). As I grow into my job, hopefully he will start to show an interest, but if he doesn't, it doesn't matter. I'm emotionally stronger than he will ever be. Your wife may start to appreciate you once she sees a change in your personality. I'm not saying it's true, but maybe she sees you as a bit of a doormat that she can walk on. If that is the case, then you have to show that you won't be walked on. Be firm, but kind. If you need counselling to help you 'grow', don't be afraid to ask. Counsellors are amazing where they can give you guidelines for assertiveness without aggression. Aggression gets you a cold, lonely bed, assertion gets you a life.

Best of luck, my friend.

Missmia · ‎01-11-2015

Hi Robert2

I maybe understand a little of what you are going through. I ran away from my family in August. I had tried very hard to keep our family together and happy. All the responsibility and work was on my list of duties. They would humour me for a while when I complained but soon went back to their self-centred ways.

I know I was too eager to please. I was adopted when small into a family of alcoholism and violence. So I grew up with the belief that one day I would have my own family and we would all support each other and be happy. Boy, didn't that backfire! It turned out they fought all the time but joined forces when necessary to keep me in my place.

The antidepressants helped for a while.

Anyway, I finally ran. I became itinerant for a while. Finally I found a cheap place to live (a long way from them). It doesn't have any luxuries but it's a place where I feel safe and free from them. It's a place to rest (aaahhh) to consider what I want for the remainder of my life. If I don't work out what I want and need, nobody else will do it for me.

I can go back, if I want to. Running away is reversible.

There are parts of me which I have submerged for "the good of the family". But maybe those things are necessary to my health and happiness. I need time to think.

I am telling you this because I know very little about you, so sharing seems a way to respond.

My suggestion is that perhaps sometimes it is best to say you need time out to think things through, and use that time to rediscover yourself and what has been causing your grief (with the help of a psych). It's good to leave the marriage door ajar. But don't go back unless and until you know who you are and what you want from your life. Maybe you could make the marriage work, or maybe it would just be another round of same-old. You need to be sure what you want and need before you commit to anything.

Thats my advice, for what it's worth.

I hope you find peace of mind and the yellow brick road.

Missmia

geoff · ‎01-11-2015

dear Robert, thanks for posting your comment and I can feel for you so much.

I can resonate with your comment, as what you have said is exactly what my wife ( ex ) always said to, but believe it we still are in contact and speak to each other, but that's not the point here, because the comments from all the above have told you what can actually happen, in some sort of different circumstances, so they can relate to your comment as well.

What you said 'my problems become mountains instead of having a say in things', oh boy, exactly the same as me, as I was too scared to get a barrage of insults and criticism so I said nothing, because I was always wrong, so why do I still see her, well that's another topic and doesn't need to be discussed here.

It's too late for her to say "she could of done more", it should be a mutual decision, and the wiser person should be able to say the facts of doing it or not doing, and then other options, and I am referring to many different issues here.

I remember my wife saying that my psychologist wasn't helping me and to stop seeing her, because nothing was happening, and this was after 15 years or so, but she was, I could discuss topics that I would never discuss with any one else, so she was helping me.

My wife was working late 5 days a week, sometimes very late, and also working at week ends, and no matter how much I asked her not to, she still did, but when I was working she didn't want me to work weekends, as I was self employed, so what's good for the goose isn't good for the gander.

I hope that you can reply. Geoff.

Robert2 · ‎17-11-2015

Ok so 4weeks out of th house.now in a flat and almost setup been hard to,get get stuff and had to by new .had my son help me move from a van to the unit he even spent some time with me helping me use my laptop.not much in the way of support in town.wife has so far given me what I ask for but not really pushing the point.i have asked that we spend Christmas together and my son told me that I was welcomed for lunch.she wants he to organise my own insurance and trans rego.she is very cold when talking to me going to ask if I can have the daughter stay one week with me one week with her.still hoping we can soul searching during this time and make thinks work out.see even said She was struggling to do things at home .things i did,when we first moved here stay at home dad plus look for work-while she went to working. May be there is hope of us getting back together and be a family

pipsy · ‎17-11-2015

Hi Robert. Well, since I first posted, things have changed for me too. Last week, hubby and I had the row to end all rows. With us, the problem was his parents. He put them first, second, third. Like you, I have moved out. I don't blame him, his family or me. Just circumstances beyond our control. Maybe I expected too much, I think your wife expected more than you could give. I'm hoping for your sake, your situation is resolved to your and her satisfaction. Try not to 'blame' each other too much, that's counter-productive. Look on this time as a form of reflection, could you have done things differently. Were either of you expecting too much from each other? I wouldn't try discussing anything with her yet, keep seeing counsellor if you want to. Even if you don't reconcile, try not to 'hate' her. It's not really anyone's fault, just two people wanting different things and not understanding what you both wanted. The more you did, the more she wanted, till nothing you did was good enough. Maybe she feels inferior because she wanted to be more independent and couldn't fulfil what she wanted.

My ex just put me way down the bottom of the list. His parents had taught him that they were important because they were his parents. Mine taught me to 'stand on my own two feet'. Be self-reliant. His parents are fairly elderly and he feels responsible. Mine are both deceased, but even if they were still alive, they wouldn't expect anything from me. How were you and wife raised? Maybe that has a bearing on her behaviour.

Robert2 · ‎19-11-2015

Well today will be interesting going to see if I can have my daughter more than one night a fortnight and see if we can work things out I hope we can.