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Very uncomfortable and feeling of embarrassemental with family, you

saturnzoon
Community Member
I find this very uncomfortable and embarrassing to talk about and keep wondering if I have caused the situation in any way. I live in Adelaide with my 21yrs son and 9yr son, split up with ex partner last year not married to him. I have a very bad memory, major depression, social anxiety DBT and shy, have no friends only my children. My mother, 2 brothers and their family  all live in  Sydney, so I got visit them try every 2 yes,  but this time my mum wanted to stay and live with her and my younger brother , his wife and 2 girls, my 9yr old son has come with me,  but his dad will not let him live here, so can only stay till just before school goes back in SA, but after what's been happening i wish I never came, I just don't understand what's going on and really can't believe it, so taking tablets to block it out and get through this, it involves my brother but cannot tell anyone, not my mum as she has trouble coping with life without my dad and does not want to be here anymore, his wife, no idea, I cannot tear the family apart and then no one may believe me as I still don't understand what's happening, I feel scared, ashamed, feel that maybe I've come across wrong and it's my fault, all my support workers,  club 84 and Dr Sujeeve my physiatrist are all in Salisbury SA, so I thought maybe talking on here might help me a bit, I really want to go back to Blakeview home now but can't without them wanting to know why and can't tell them, I can't cope with conflict or cannot communicate properly,it's hard enough already as my mum has no patience and always grumpy,  my brother 48 is always grumpy, shouts at everyone and treats my mum like crap, they both clash and you keep out the way when either one starts, I'm not a strong person and can't tell my sons in adelaide what's happening either, 
5 Replies 5

KTOCD
Community Member

Hi,

Hope things are going a bit better? I'm not quite sure I understand what is happening from your email however I have always found that being upfront about what is going on and how u feel is really important. Having said that, I know it is extremely hard. Perhaps writing them a letter about how u r feeling is an easier way. If they do not understand or aren't supportive, then u need to do what is right for you. Look after yourself and your son first.

Best of luck 😃

KT

 

saturnzoon
Community Member

KT OCD sorry I wasn't very clear,I have no one I can talk to or tell so I just wanted to get it all out of my, head. I live in Adelaide with 3 kids, 22, 21, & 9 all  sons, my daughter 19 moved to Newcastle last July to live, and I have no other family or friends in SA. My mum, younger brother 49, his wife and 2 girls live all together in Northern Sydney,  and I have an older brother and his family in Rose Bay, my mum has brought me and my 9yr old son to stay here in Sydney with them for xmas and new Year and go back to Adelaide just before school start in February. My problem is my brother who where staying with  is acting inappropriate and asking or doing things which I can't mention and cannot believe is coming from him, I feel degraded, embarrassed and so scared when his wife is not here, I keep thinking  I must off done or said something but I don't know what.

I cannot tell my mum or his wife or my older kids as it could destroy them and hurt them and maybe not believe me, cause if I was told the same thing I would find it to hard to believe it, so I'm now over medicating and drinking cause I feel disgusting in myself, I'm praying that my dad who died a while back or God could please make something happen where I have to go straight to Adelaide so I don't have to see my younger brother ever again, it all just keeps going around in my head and when sleeping blaming myself, I want to get rid of it.

pipsy
Community Member

Hi saturnzoon.  Like KT I'm having trouble understanding your situation.  You mentioned a problem with your brother, but gave no details.  KT suggested maybe you write to your mum and give her an idea what's going on.  With your mum being widowed (I take it that your dad died recently), you said she can't handle stress.  Could you write to your brother about how he upset you.   I can understand you don't want the rest of the family involved, but you need to 'clear' the air with your brother.  He needs to know he's hurt you.  Either that, or you may have to just 'keep away' until you can figure out how to deal with what's happened.   It sounds as though if your sons find out, things could get a bit heated, perhaps even violent.  Not saying they will, but that's the way I'm interpreting your post. 

Have you tried discussing with anyone.

KTOCD
Community Member

Hi, thanks for explaining. If your brother is being inappropriate towards you, then something needs to happen. U don't deserve that and you need to respect yourself enough to stop it. There is no excuse that he could possibly give that would make it ok. 

How would your mother and your brother's wife feel if they knew what was going on? This is a bit of a crazy idea but if you cannot tell them and you don't think they would believe you, how about recording what he is doing on an iPad when it is happening? You don't need to get the visual but perhaps record his voice. Then you can play it for them and you will not need to explain in great detail. It may hurt your mother's and sister in laws feelings but they probably need to know. 

You need to protect yourself. U r strong enough to stand up to him. Please keep talking on here. Does anyone else have advice? 

Call the beyond blue number if you need to talk to someone quickly.

KT

pipsy
Community Member

Dear saturnzoon.  You are in a very awkward situation.  Your brother needs to know his actions are inappropriate and unwanted.  Have you tried ringing the sexual abuse counselling telephone service.  They would be able to give you some guidelines on how to handle this.  You say you don't want to tell your mother or his wife, but they need to know.  They may not initially believe you and abusers are very good at shifting the blame to the victims.  But if you ring the victims of abuse service, they will advise you the best way to handle it.  If anything happens between your brother and his wife over this, remember that is not your fault.  Don't take responsibility for his actions.  He did wrong, he must face what he did. 

Best wishes.