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Unsure of what to do?

Jurani
Community Member
Hi, I've been in a relationship for 4 years with the same man. I have my own house and he rents, his lease is about to expire. He's had a very tough life so far. I'm trying to cope with what he's been through so I'm deciding right now whether or not to let him move in with me. I'm not 100% sure though as he appears to have issues which haven't been dealt with. I'm very understanding, but just recently lost my mum. This is adding to the anxiety that I'm feeling. It seems different issues keep arising which are preventing us from moving forwards into a positive lifestyle. This is concerning me alot? His lease runs out in 2 weeks. He was supposed to be moving in 12 months ago, but I've delayed it. I don't know what to do? I've already stalled this once, I can't keep doing it. He's now under more stress because of this. Should I defer this again, or should I let him move in and hope that it all works out? What should I do ? Thanks. I have to say I'm very understanding, but it's draining me to the point of exhaustion.
4 Replies 4

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
I’ll be honest Jurani, I think you should let him move in as it will either go one of two ways. You two will either work out or it isn’t meant to be, and either way you can move forward with your life. I think if you delay it again you are just not addressing your issues but they will always be there. He may pleasantly surprise you but I think he needs to be given the chance to prove himself. Of course that’s just what I would do and ultimately I think you should do what feels right for you, but it feels as though you are currently in a bit of a holding pattern at the moment. One thing I would recommend is to arrange a meeting with a solicitor so that you can make sure your property is protected.

Jurani
Community Member
Thanks for your reply Juliet 84. I think right now, it's the 'not knowing' aspect that is confusing me? Yes, I can legally protect my property which I would have to do, that just makes sense. I am on high alert though. I left my husband as he became addicted to gambling. I obviously have trust issues relating to this. I have somewhat dealt with most of this. Hence me protecting my assets at all cost. I have no choice. I've thought about allowing my partner to move in on a trial basis? The reality is, I went through alot with my ex husband, leaving your partner and starting over is not easy right? I'm now looking at my life differently, meaning that I need peace in my life, and to me that's so important. My current partner, as I mentioned has had to deal with more issues than I have. Most of them not his fault either. I've been supporting him through this since we met. I guess my concern is that I'm a very positive person, I always see the light at the end of the tunnel? So I'm concerned that if he doesn't deal with the issues that he has, it's going to affect my life in a not so good way? Does that make sense? Right now, we live separately, and it's not so bad because I have time alone, but if he moves in that wont be the case anymore. People keep telling me to 'be careful', and I am, but when people say things like that I start questioning whether or not I'm doing the right thing? I'm going to have to make a decision on this, I just don't know which way to go. Why am I fence sitting on this issue still? I just can't come to a conclusion.

Jetosaur
Community Member

hey,

I believe that if you truely believe from a place of self awareness that allowing him to move in (and vice versa) is what you want then should do that. But whatever your decision you cant have any doubts, because when something worrying comes up I think you will constantly revert back to the fight or flight mentality. Its a huge decision but you do have the answer. you are responsible for you and he is responsible for himself, so if you believe its not the right time then just keep doing what you're doing as long as you're happy and things will fall into place when they're ready and not forced or rushed.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Jurani,

Your reasoning makes perfect sense, particularly after everything you have been through. The advice I gave (of him to move in) was based on the fact that sometimes you have to put something under pressure to see if it will work. While ever you are living separately you can simply go away whenever the other person gets on your nerves rather than have to deal with the situation. Which isn’t sustainable long term. That being said, I understand your need for a peaceful existence and your desire to guard that protectively. Perhaps you could consider living separately but having the other person stay over for a period of time while you work on your relationship without putting too much pressure on it. That way you can practice your communication and work on your relationship without too much pressure? These are just all ideas to consider, and are not intended to force you into one thing or another, I just don’t want to see you in the same spot in 5 years time, not really committing but not really moving forward either.