Unhappily married feeling lost and confused

[Amme3000]

Thanks for reading. I have been with my partner for almost 12 years and we have 2 children. He is a really nice man however he has never really listened to me. This includes my needs and wants even if I am really clear. So there have been times where I really needed his support and he wasn't there for me even though I drop everything to support him and make his life easier. Now in January 2021 I was in a bad place psychologically, having anxiety attacks and suicidal ideation. I am no longer in this space and have gotten a lot of support around this. Anyway I stood there and told him how I was feeling and that I needed his support. I explained what I needed from him at this time to help me through. I was very vulnerable. I was honestly scared for my own safety. Things did change and he was there for me....for two weeks, and then things went back to how they were. So I got support from my psychologist and a male friend. Forward on a few months I felt like I was having an emotional affair which I didn't think was fair so I told my husband. I told him what was happening and the reasons behind it. Again nothing changed. Since then he has been through my phone behind my back (on several occasions) and he became incredibly jealous. He has made me choose between my friend (who has been one of my best mates for years) and him, which I do get but is hard because I miss the person who was there for me in my time of need. We are now going to counselling and things have changed but as soon as we are put under pressure things go back to how they were. I don't know why I am rambling here I just feel like 12 years is a really long time to be in a relationship with someone who never really cared about your needs. But on the flipside of the coin it is a really long time to just throw away. I am feeling so lost and confused in regards to my relationship and I don't have anyone that I can talk to about it. Especially as we continue to have to go into Lockdown together with our 2 children. I can't get away from him to get the space I need to work through this.

[WaterFront]

Hi Amme3000,

You're right. I'd never thought of it in that way before. 'Choose your hard' because the choices are hard either way. It's also which hard is the easiest to live with. When you are ready, you will choose. Best wishes to you.

WaterFront

[The_Bro]

Hi Puzzlegirl (love that nom de plume!)

Thanks for your comments which are appreciated.

I struggle to see any benefit to you if you stay in that unhappy situation. When considering what you have said - husband doesn't want the relationship, you feel like you can't breathe, and you are shrivelling each day, I suggest you have a really good look at exactly what benefit there is to you from continuing.

You have your own values, personal rights and self respect, none of which are being nourished.

Show some self love, tell yourself just how wonderful you really are, and set yourself free!

Talk with your husband about how you feel and think it would be best if you went your separate ways. Remind him about the good times you have had, how you respect him as a person, but the relationship spark has gone and you would both benefit from being apart.

Oh and I strongly suggest you get a few words of professional advice beforehand about assets allocation, child custody and maintenance. Try to keep it as friendly as possible with minimal letters to and fro between lawyers as this is expensive and can be combative.

All the very best - happy to chat more about your progress on the forum if that's what you feel would help.

The Bro

[The_Bro]

Hi there Amme3000

I really appreciate your reply.

What's difficult is that you feel the spark has gone, and to me he has shown little respect to you by his actions.

Keep telling yourself how wonderful you are, with a great bunch of values, and thoroughly deserve a relationship filled with laughter, happy days and as much independence as you want.

Maybe try a 1-2 week holiday away from your husband to see how you feel then? When my wife and I are separated for a week or more we can't wait to see and hold each other. If this is not the case with you, it says a lot.

People can change, your husband can change too and you say he is trying. But with no spark it's hard to laugh and share happy daily things together.

All the very best - happy to chat more if you want to.

Regards, The Bro

[puzzlegirl]

Hi Amme3000,

Thanks for your story. Just want to acknowledge that, yep, it is hard. And 12 years is a long time- perhaps it can make you feel like they've been robbed from you. I find it interesting you note about being in a 'submissive hole'- I too reached a point in my crappy situation where I went through a place of surrender. I surrendered to the truth that I am not wanted, not loved, and gave up fighting this other 'relationship' of his. I am not certain that the surrender or the submission is healthy though. There's an aspect of 'giving up' to it. But, there is also a release found in it. I learned I can't control much, except my own responses. So, I put my focus there in being a decent human. A better one. Your situation sounds similar to mine, but in the reverse. I haven't given up, he has. From the perspective of the 'pursuer', it can feel desperate and embarrassing to chase after your significant other. From the perspective of the pursued, you can feel suffocated. Both are not healthy. Perhaps a 'cease fire' as The Bro suggests- take a break and see where you're at? One thing is certain, if your husband is trying, and you are upset about this, then there is still something significant about this relationship and it's not worth giving up just yet.

[Nunu]

Hi Amme

I read all the thread. It’s so good that so many of us are here to support you.

it’s really really hard thinking about separating. But once you get that courage to do it you might feel a lot peaceful.

No one can actually do what you have to. Everyone can give suggestions and be there for you.

It’s in your hands. It might be really hard, heart breaking, emotional, guilt but at the end you will feel at peace that you have taken the right decision.

Its really easy to say than doing it. Hope you take your life into your own hands,

Take Care x

[Amme3000]

Thank you Nunu.

I keep thinking about that line. "You need to take your life into your own hands." I think you are right. I think I have made a decision. It is not fair for me to keep going in this relationship but more than that it is not fair on my husband to have a wife that is not all in.

Thank you for your post.

[Amme3000]

Thank you Puzzelgirl.

I appreciate your perspective. I don't think I am being fair to my husband. I have asked for some space to sort my head out.

[Amme3000]

Thank you The Bro.

ahh I forgot about that feeling of being away and returning to someone you love. I am currently trying that. However it has been difficult with all of the call, texts and snapchats that I am getting. Fingers crossed the space apart really does help. Right now though it feels like pending doom because I will have to come back to the situation at some stage and I am scared what that ultimately means.

[Amme3000]

Thank you WaterFront