- Beyond Blue Forums
- Caring for myself and others
- Relationship and family issues
- Unhappily married feeling lost and confused
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Pin this Topic for Current User
- Follow
- Printer Friendly Page
Unhappily married feeling lost and confused
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Hi Amme3000,
You're right. I'd never thought of it in that way before. 'Choose your hard' because the choices are hard either way. It's also which hard is the easiest to live with. When you are ready, you will choose. Best wishes to you.
WaterFront
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Hi Puzzlegirl (love that nom de plume!)
Thanks for your comments which are appreciated.
I struggle to see any benefit to you if you stay in that unhappy situation. When considering what you have said - husband doesn't want the relationship, you feel like you can't breathe, and you are shrivelling each day, I suggest you have a really good look at exactly what benefit there is to you from continuing.
You have your own values, personal rights and self respect, none of which are being nourished.
Show some self love, tell yourself just how wonderful you really are, and set yourself free!
Talk with your husband about how you feel and think it would be best if you went your separate ways. Remind him about the good times you have had, how you respect him as a person, but the relationship spark has gone and you would both benefit from being apart.
Oh and I strongly suggest you get a few words of professional advice beforehand about assets allocation, child custody and maintenance. Try to keep it as friendly as possible with minimal letters to and fro between lawyers as this is expensive and can be combative.
All the very best - happy to chat more about your progress on the forum if that's what you feel would help.
The Bro
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Hi there Amme3000
I really appreciate your reply.
What's difficult is that you feel the spark has gone, and to me he has shown little respect to you by his actions.
Keep telling yourself how wonderful you are, with a great bunch of values, and thoroughly deserve a relationship filled with laughter, happy days and as much independence as you want.
Maybe try a 1-2 week holiday away from your husband to see how you feel then? When my wife and I are separated for a week or more we can't wait to see and hold each other. If this is not the case with you, it says a lot.
People can change, your husband can change too and you say he is trying. But with no spark it's hard to laugh and share happy daily things together.
All the very best - happy to chat more if you want to.
Regards, The Bro
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Hi Amme3000,
Thanks for your story. Just want to acknowledge that, yep, it is hard. And 12 years is a long time- perhaps it can make you feel like they've been robbed from you. I find it interesting you note about being in a 'submissive hole'- I too reached a point in my crappy situation where I went through a place of surrender. I surrendered to the truth that I am not wanted, not loved, and gave up fighting this other 'relationship' of his. I am not certain that the surrender or the submission is healthy though. There's an aspect of 'giving up' to it. But, there is also a release found in it. I learned I can't control much, except my own responses. So, I put my focus there in being a decent human. A better one. Your situation sounds similar to mine, but in the reverse. I haven't given up, he has. From the perspective of the 'pursuer', it can feel desperate and embarrassing to chase after your significant other. From the perspective of the pursued, you can feel suffocated. Both are not healthy. Perhaps a 'cease fire' as The Bro suggests- take a break and see where you're at? One thing is certain, if your husband is trying, and you are upset about this, then there is still something significant about this relationship and it's not worth giving up just yet.
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Hi Amme
I read all the thread. It’s so good that so many of us are here to support you.
it’s really really hard thinking about separating. But once you get that courage to do it you might feel a lot peaceful.
No one can actually do what you have to. Everyone can give suggestions and be there for you.
It’s in your hands. It might be really hard, heart breaking, emotional, guilt but at the end you will feel at peace that you have taken the right decision.
Its really easy to say than doing it. Hope you take your life into your own hands,
Take Care x
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Thank you Nunu.
I keep thinking about that line. "You need to take your life into your own hands." I think you are right. I think I have made a decision. It is not fair for me to keep going in this relationship but more than that it is not fair on my husband to have a wife that is not all in.
Thank you for your post.
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Thank you Puzzelgirl.
I appreciate your perspective. I don't think I am being fair to my husband. I have asked for some space to sort my head out.
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
Thank you The Bro.
ahh I forgot about that feeling of being away and returning to someone you love. I am currently trying that. However it has been difficult with all of the call, texts and snapchats that I am getting. Fingers crossed the space apart really does help. Right now though it feels like pending doom because I will have to come back to the situation at some stage and I am scared what that ultimately means.
- Mark as New
- Follow Post
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report Post
- « Previous
-
- 1
- 2
- Next »