Unbearable pain. Marriage breakdown.

[Yoyo2015]

I have been married for 13 years and we were together for 8 years before that. Half my life.

Our relationship has not been smooth sailing and I have sought counselling several times (he never wanted to take part).

We have a nine year old son and since he was quite young work circumstances have dictated that my husband has been overseas for extended periods. He has been suffering with depression for the duration of our marriage, precipitated by the death of his mother and the break up of a previous marriage (our own meeting was an affair).

His depression has been evident in a variety of ways, including being angry and verbally abusive. He has often taken himself off medication and most recently stopped about 3 months ago.

 he left to go overseas about 6 weeks ago and myself and my son arranged a break to join him as it was due to be a 3 month trip.  I arrived on Sunday and yesterday he told me that he is having a relationship with someone he met here.

i am feeling unbearable pain and grief and anxiety and at this moment don't know how I will face the future. He has said he is sorry and it's not my fault but I feel like such a failure. I have not always been sympathetic to him. It has been incredibly hard to stay positive throughout his low moods and I feel like i am unloveable.

 it's totally overwhelming right now. 

[geoff]

dear Yoyo, thank you for coming to the BB forum and posting your comment.

Firstly this must be very disappointing to know that your husband has been overseas and now has met someone and is having an affair with them, and you don't know how long this has been going on for, and for him it may seem to be a solution for his depression, but long term it isn't, and now what it has done is to make you very upset, uncertain in what you are going to do, but more importantly creating depression for you.

I understand that he could be depressed or still mourning the passing of his mother, but he chose to end his marriage or it was forced on him by his wife (ex), and please I'm not going to involve you in this, as I'm concerned about his verbal abuse and being angry which has made you have some counselling.

He stopped taking his medication 3 months ago and because he could still be suffering from depression, that wouldn't what a doctor would suggest.

You're not a failure because he has had 2 affairs ( sorry) but he wasn't happy in his first marriage and found you to seek happiness in his life, and now he has done this once again, and you're not even sure how many times he done this while overseas, and if you hadn't have caught him then he would have hidden it from you.

If he was someone you truly loved then no matter how depressed he was, you would be sympathetic towards him, however I realise that living with someone who is depressed can put a strain on the marriage/relationship, but work or not he always seems to be wanting another person in his life, so long term it's going to be very difficult for you to be with him, especially if he doesn't want any to start seeing a psychologist, but perhaps he maybe in denial.

You will need to continue your counselling which I strongly advise you to do, or to go back to your doctor and ask them for assistance.

You have your son who needs to be taken into account here.

Hope that you can get back to us. Geoff. x

[Yoyo2015]

Thank you Geoff for responding. My world continues to implode. He is now saying he still loves me and misses me and our son and has been crying constantly for the past two days. it is so confusing because I also feel he is still thinking about whether he can make a life with the woman he has met. She is single, younger and has a good job. She is beautiful and lives overseas where much of his work is. I am a mess. I feel sick, I'm in constant pain and I just want it all to stop. He says he is weak and afraid and isn't sure if he can ever be a good father for our son. I feel useless and ugly and unloveable. I don't know what to do.

[geoff]

dear Yoyo, please don't compare yourself to this other lady, because that will certainly get you depressed if you aren't already, which I think you are, however his philandering is always going to happen.

I also believe that he misses you and your son, because he wants the two of you to be where his grass roots are, but then on the other side he wants the excitement he can get from having someone else on the side, so now you will have to make a decision whether you can accept this or whether you tell him no, but if he says he won't do it again and be faithful only to you, well personally I wouldn't trust him.

You are not 'useless ugly nor unloveable', and I do believe that he loves you, but I still love my ex-wife, and we could never live together any more.

I'm so sorry Yoyo for saying what I have because I want happiness for you and your son. Geoff. x

[Carmela]

Dear Yoyo, 

Geoff has provided you with some strong points to consider. Please don’t feel that you are any less a wife or mother due to circumstances outside your control. I would urge you to identify what are your boundaries in this marriage. For myself, trust and respect are paramount. Affairs are unacceptable regardless of whether my partner has depression or not.  On the side flings cause mistrust and pain which inevitably most partners find themselves constantly checking on their spouse and living in an environment of suspicion and unhappiness.

I am not suggesting you leave the marriage but first establish in your own mind, is this behaviour ok with you? As you have indicated, this is a second affair, therefore there is pattern emerging here. 

You are not powerless to this situation. Take control of what is important – you and your son. Depression cannot be your husbands excuse to continue this self-destructive behaviour.  

I am sorry if l seem a little forthright, but l have spoken to many partners who have travelled a similar road to only find themselves compromising their values and boundaries for the sake of appeasing their partners.  Find the courage and strength in you as a woman and mother. You might be really surprised at what you find.

Sending hugs and love to  you.