Unappreciated husband feeling depressed and deflated

[sadhusband]

Not sure if this fits best here, but here goes anyway. In any case, hopefully penning this down makes me feel better.

My wife and I recently had a baby. Never really wanted a kid, she always wanted one. Shes been saying that her clock is ticking and as a husband, I see it as one of my life's purpose to make her happy and give her what she wants. I gave in last year.

As expected, our life has changed. I've grown to accept that change. She is currently on mat leave and I work a full time job. We've got no family support here so she takes care of the child and I do all the other things that need to be done in the household. Clean, cook, ran errands, etc. I try my very best to support her as best as I can - making sure she always has a glass of water beside her, always checking in while she is tending to the baby to see if I can help with anything, etc. Probably easy to say this and claim credit, though it's been trying and tiring lately.

Today, I was out buying groceries and we got into an argument because I came back 20 min late. On my way back from the supermarket, I called her to say I was coming home and she said she'll wait for me to change baby's diapers and then push her out for a walk to which I mentioned we could go by the other supermarket to pick up her fav fruit. On my way back, I decided to drive by the other supermarket because I'd rather push baby in the park than the supermarket. Came home 20 min late and she was upset to have to wait at home for me and I should have told her that I was going to be late, so she could have changed baby's diapers instead of waiting for me to come home to change it.

Got into a verbal shit fight and I started to break down into self pity and thinking that this is my first and hopefully the worst father's day (don't want the rest to feel worse than this). I teared (never done so for the last 10 yrs) and felt really misunderstood and unappreciated for all the work that I put in. Last few months, despite having tough work projects, I've tried to help as much as I could at night with the baby, at times only getting 4 hours sleep. I curl myself up in the corner on the bed (baby co-sleeps) everynight and wake up with a sore back. I didn't feel welcoming towards the baby and felt resentful because I felt baby was making wife tired and drained, but not I love baby more and more.. But what happened today brought me back to ground zero and I feel I'm breaking down, perhaps in self pity and unfortunately on father's day

[Ace6913]

Hi there ,

first of all happy Father's Day to you 😄 sorry it wasn't the best but unfortunately that's what parenting and marriage can throw at us .first of all just want to say it sounds like you are doing an amazing job with helping support both your wife and Bub it's really one of the hardest obstacles couples go through is parenthood along with other life factors. It does get easier I'd say your wife is very much in the midst of baby baby baby land and sometimes the hubby can get left behind only for alittle while though I know this because I have done it to my hubby not once 3 times 😉 and we forget everyone else around us and what there feeling wich you have every right to feel misunderstood and under appreciated the best way I see is just be an open book with your wife tell her exactly how you feel maybe she might open up to you as well with what's going on with her being a new mum as you know its life changing. You both need to get on the same page working as a team is so important I always take night shift because my hubby works and I can nap through out the next day if I need or if the co sleeping is too much and there's no room maybe set up camp in another room until Bub can sleep alone.there are always ways to solve problems if you are both a team . But keep up the good work dad it's not easy sounds like your already doing an amazing job 😄

[Fairywings]

Hello there and welcome. Yes happy Father's day from what I have read u r doing an amazing job having a baby will def put a spin on ur life but it does get a little earlier as time passes then they require different needs 😮 but i know as a parent to a 3 and a half yr old little man who has autism i wouldn't change it for the world. Yes they r hard work but every bit rewarding. I understand how easy it can be to feel unappreciated being a new mum uv tend to lose track of what's insight i would tell her how ur feeling. communication is so important you may find her to be feeling the same way xx and she just hasn't approached you about it. Unfortunately there is no manual for parenting i do wish there were some days but that's all the fun of it i guess raising ur child together the best way u know how and really that's the main thing. Co sleeping i know that all too well bw myself and my boy hubby has made shift to another bed best thing everybody gets their rest and so be it if it means u need to resort to sleeping elsewhere there is def no harm in that u will be much more rested within urself and i always say to myself u gotta do what works for u and ur baby nobody else matters here xx hope this helps xx please do keep in touch take care now venessa

[sadhusband]

Thank you both for your replies.

I know mums do go through hell of a lot. To be honest, I dont expect to feel appreciated... but just not undermined, afraid and having to "tip toe" when I'm around my wife. I don't know why I'm feeling like that, but its a feeling I've had in the last few years where I'm very conscious of the things I do for fear of making her upset. I do many little things and I always consider and think of her first, sometimes to the point of being misunderstood by her for the little things I do for her.

Its become like a child being afraid of his very strict parents. I realise that it has somewhat affected my self confidence quite a bit though I shy away from acknowledging that.

In a way, I feel trapped, resigned to my life and my fate. I wonder if this signals issues with the marriage and this incident today is a trigger to reflect upon my circumstances for the greater good and longer term.

I believe we do maintain fairly open communication channels, but it sounds a bit contradictory because she would know about this if we indeed do have open communication. Maybe we talk about every other thing besides this issue that I'm going through. Or maybe its just me...

I'm sorry if this has drifted away to what might just be an underlying problem that may be the root cause of today's incident.

Sometimes, I wish I could just run away and hide or if the world wound just suddenly end one day, and we would have to live with all these worry.

I have no issues sleeping in another room, but the softness in me worry about having to avail myself to assist in the middle of the night if required.

Thanks again for your listening ear. I just dont know what to do sometimes and it helps just pouring it out somewhere without being judged (sadly, I have a feeling that I'm being "complained" about to her friends and my circle of friends. Sometimes it's easier to see the negative side of a person than to appreciate them until you lose them. I'm guilty of that too.)

[Chris_B]

Hi sadhusband, sorry to hear your Father's Day yesterday wasn't the best. You might want to have a look at our Dadvice section which we just launched yesterday. There's four episodes of a web series there interviewing dads about their experiences and I think you'll definitely find you're not alone.

The Relationships episode has some stories in it that sound very similar to what you're going through:

 Let us know how you go and please stay in touch with us.

[Foster Grant]

Hi mate, I absolutely get how you are feeling. Thanks for posting on here because it was at least nice for me to know I am not the only one. I know what you mean about trying your best to do all the bits & pieces you can but still ending up on the receiving end of a spray or worse - the cold shoulder.

I'm not sure what the answer is either but I feel like I need to try & communicate more openly with my wife.

Hang in there

[Clara_Celeste]

Hi my name is Clara. I have a 7 month old and 2 older kids. I'm so in love with my man. He works, I don't. Life is crazy with a baby. It passes. Just be strong and love each other and stay connected. Help each other. Be patient! Don't get angry at each other, talk about everything and finally lots of kissing and hugging even while baby is screaming! Forget routine and never forget a woman is designed to raise a baby. She needs love and kindness and tell her you have to work to earn a living and that's hard too. Love is kind but firm so remind her you need kindess and love and support as well. You are both in it together so love and talk and touch. If you love each other you'll get through it. A good couple teaches each other and grows together and learns lessons from each other. Don't be afraid to express yourself. If she loves you she will talk through it with you and vice versa. You both have to be on the same page and have fun at the same time and be intimate and sleep in the same bed. Fight for each other. Talk to her about love. Family is so important. Fight for your wife and baby and your wife will fight to support you too. Call her out if she upsets you. Give her awareness and have awareness for her needs too. Best saying ever. Treat her how you want her to treat you. Be patient too. Life is about learning and having empathy and facing challenges head on. Stay positive! Communicate! Communicate! Communicate! Baby phase will pass! And yes it's hard for everyone!