Unable to think anymore

[Hopless]

Long story short...... kind of....

I made a mistake of having an ex as a friend on FB and commenting or liking some of his status's over a period of 7yrs (as well as commenting on other friends status's). My hubby then got FB and looked through my profile and my ex's profile going back 9 years. He believes I have betrayed him, been disloyal and disrespectful in doing so. There was nothing at all that I wanted to hide. But I blocked my ex (at my husband's request) and have had no contact since. My hubby believed I'd cheated on him by doing this.

Whenever we argue, he brings it up. Then he will call me horrendous names (I can't even repeat them) and mentally pound me into the ground. We move interstate (after my hubby agreed) due to my elderly father. Now every time we argue, he throws that and the FB issue up at me. How I took him and the kids from their home, work, friends and his adult children. He has packed his stuff and left me twice and has threatened to do this numerous times. He has now had to go and work away for about 6 weeks due to lack of work here. Now he's lonely. He got angry because I didn't call him before I looked on FB in the mornings (he worked nightshift). So I start to send him a message at 7am daily. Even so, he will still check at all times in the day/night whether I am on FB or messenger. If I am, he accuses me of chatting to people and not making him my priority. So I call him or message him before I look on FB. I barely talk to anyone on messenger now because he thinks I'm up to no good. Then he's not happy with the amount of time I spend on my phone. So I limit that. However, he can be playing his games on the ipad whenever he gets a spare minute. We have been to get help, but he never likes the people or they are costing money when he can watch motivational stuff on youtube.

Bottom line is, I can't even think for myself anymore because my brain is like mashed potato. If I say what I think, he says my psych told me that. If I tell him how I feel, he responds with how I should imagine how he feels. He says that we wouldn't be like this if I hadn't have "chatted" to my ex or we didn't move. Maybe so, but he has chosen to stay with me so should he not let it go???? There is so so much more, but what I have written is enough for now. Sorry.

I need some serious advice (good or bad), I can't do this by myself.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to seek help

[Busymum]

Hi,

I'm sorry you are going through this with your husband. It sounds like you are trying hard to avoid any arguments by doing what you think he wants you to do (i.e. spending less time on the phone etc). I have been through similar situations with my husband and really it wasn't about the time spent on the phone or social media it was more about underlying issues. For example, he was angry that I was on the phone to my friend but really it was the fact he wanted to talk to me about something that he was anxious about and because he hadn't done that yet he was annoyed with me.

It sounds like there are underlying issues. I don't think that anything you do (i.e. message him first before facebook etc. are going to be enough - there will always be something he doesn't like) and I think this is because there are other things going on - he may not even realise what theses are.

Professional help is needed to work out the underlying issues and work on those issues to move forward - I had my husband tell me that it cost too much money and I responded "at the cost of our relationship". Next time he says he is unhappy about the time on the phone or on facebook, I would respond by asking him if there was something specific he wanted to discuss with you? If he responds in anger I would respond by asking him to attend professional help as neither of you are happy to continue as you are.

Thinking of you!