Two and a half months after break up and still feel terrible.

[jason600]

Hi my partner walked out on me two and a half months ago saying she wants a six month break.Well I hung on for day after day hoping we would get Back together, sometimes she would send me some positive messages other times she was very cold.Couldn't believe the change in her behaviour we had been together for 12 years and now it seemed she didn't care. My emotions were riding a roller coaster always thinking we would find a way.I then went away on a course for men getting in touch with there feelings , never done anything like this before but managed to connect with quite a few other men going through emotional problems. When I left the course I felt quite positive about things and sent my ex partner explaining what I had learnt on the course and how I thought we could sort our problems out.She replied that she didn't want to get back with me and only wants to be friends.Well I am absolutely gutted and almost back to where I was 11weeks ago , feel sick all the time , anxious and carnt seem to see any future ,feels all so overwhelming. Lost my appetite and don't really go surfing anymore.Just want to know when these feelings will ease up. .I have managed not to contact her for three days and it feels terrible .I am always checking phone and have anxiety and just want to text.

God I just wish these feelings would ease up .I realise they won't go away just find them so overwhelming .Managed to have some time of work just worried when I return I will crack up and message her.

Any help is welcome. Jason

[monkey_magic]

Hi Jason600,

Breakups are a sad situation and I think you are dealing with it the best way you know how. It's really good that you are being proactive by seeing a psychologist. From what you've written it sounds like she's stringing u along and it doesn't sound fair. You get your hoped up about surfing for example then she doesn't get back to you- pulling on the heart strings.

It would be good to take some steps without her for example surfing on your own or with friends, going to the cinema on your own or with friends. And your friends are right u will find someone again, it happens for most people. Stay positive x

[jason600]

Hey Anna. Thanks for the reply , I agree it is good to know there are other people out there going through the same emotions .Sorry to hear about your separation , from your text you seem very caring so I reckon its his loss. I like the idea of not worrying about being alone or not finding a partner and just see what the future brings. Just a little Scarry sometimes and wherever I go there seems to be couples never really noticed before . Well going to take your advice on board and try to keep up the no contact .

Many Thanks Jason

[Croix]

Dear Jason~

I'm replying to your post you wrote elsewhere.

It looks very much like your ex and you have a very different way of treating a relationship. You care more deeply. She was the one to start a trial separation, and it was a heartbreaking thing for you to try to deal with.

It would appear to me her desire to 'just be friends' simply does not take into account the effect on you, neither did here query as to why you were ignoring her. This seems to me to simply be ways of making her feel more comfortable about her actions. If you can be friends then her actions cannot have been so bad.

I frankly think you made a mistake in offering to go over and rent together in the UK. While it might have been a combination of apprehension at starting over in a fresh country, and maybe a lurking hope you might get back together I honestly feel it is simply a recipe for further heartache.

I cannot see that her basic nature is going to change, and that nature does not seem to have your welfare at heart, quite the opposite it would appear how she feels is more important.

I thing your friends and family and therapist are quite correct, no contact is the only way you will get peace. You have already started a pretty good recovery, keeping your job and starting to feel a little better. Now you have been brought back down again.

Even if you got your wish and you got back together I'd imagine history will repeat itself and you will be back in a worse state than before.

You have an awful lot to offer another, and deserve someone better.

Croix

[jason600]

Hi my name is Jason and recently my partner of 12 years walked out on me saying she needed a break for six months. I was totally shattered and didn't know what to do .I started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks , couldn't sleep and lost weight. Every day I would go to work thinking and hoping we would get back together .My work suffered and I was lucky I wasn't sacked. At one stage I thought I was going totally crazy and went to the Doctor , who thankfully reassured me that what I was experiencing was normal and didn't need any medication , which was a relief. I did manage to get to see a therapist who helped a lot . My friends and family and the therapist all told me one thing No Contact and time.
After 3 months my ex turned around to me and said she wanted to be just friends which broke my heart and set me back again .My partner runs a New Age shop and I know she was being influenced by one of the staff who claims he is a medium and him and his wife told her .That's it your finished move on and she just absorbed it and didn't even think of any kind of any form of reconciliation.
There was nothing I could do but to try to accept her decision no matter how hard it was .Joined a yoga group and meditation which helped although it was pretty hard to keep concentration. So I started No contact with help from friends , it wasn't easy and I relapsed a few times but finally I managed six days and I actually started to feel a little stronger. Out of the blue she sent me a text saying " Why are you ignoring me " .Well that sucked me back in and I was contacting again. Before we broke up we had been planning to go to the UK to live and work for a while .She said that she was still going and unsure of what to do and wanting to be as close to her as possible I said I would go over and stay with my best mate over there. Have to admit taking off and starting again at 49 is a little scary and in a moment of weakness I sent her a text suggesting we could rent a place together in the UK as friends thinking she would refuse straight away. To my surprise she thought it was a good idea and I started to imagine we would get back together , althoug she kept reminding me we were just friends but I was honest with her and said I wanted more. We had a break together in separate rooms as a trial and got on OK. So now we are thinking of living together in UK and I hope it will bring us together .Just asking if anyone has any thoughts .
Many Thanks Jason

[jason600]

Cheers Croix I think I know deep down you are probably right about living together it can only end in heartache .Every time I see her my heart is racing and I feel sick in the pit of my stomach and then I meet her and I feel happy and good about things .last night she rang and asked if I wanted to go for a walk , I agreed and off we went , talking about the future and where we would live in the UK and what we would need to get established .She has also come up with the idea of fostering children while we are over there .All this stuff makes me think we will get back together but still I don't know .Four days ago I told her I just wanted her back as a lover not a friend , so she knows how I feel .She said in the future if we get on we could start another business together . To be honest I am completely confused as what to do .We are getting on really well at the moment and seeing more and more of each other , even going away together though we are not sleeping together. Will living together in the UK bring us closer ,I don't know but hope it will.Her mother thinks it a great idea my friends are a little more cautious of the idea .Well thanks again for the reply .Jason

[Becsworld1974]

Hi Jason, I am so sorry for what you are going through and I think you deserve better. So far it seems like your ex-partner is calling all the shots and that's not fair in a relationship. She asked you to give her six months of space, then she messages you and once you stop responding for those six days she reels you back in. She gives just enough to keep you on the hook.

Objectively, do you think children in foster care, already unstable environments should also have the challenge of being in a home where the foster parents relationship is so unstable as well. What happens if/when she brings another person home, what do the children see/think when you are both in separate bedrooms? How is this going to practically set a good example for them?

Also how will you fund this experiment? Do you quit your job at 49 and travel half-way round the world with a woman who has said she just wants to be friends? You've already told her you don't want to be friends, but lovers. What happens to you if it doesn't work out? What is your protection and safety net?

I challenge you to read your posts on here and imagine it was your best friend, what would you advise them to do?

I dare say her mum would be pleased if you go together, that would be a safer option for her daughter than being alone in a new country. I'd listen to your friends who travelled life with you and ask yourself if that's the best option for you.

You do deserve to be treated with respect and kindness with your feelings considered. I hope you can see that in time.

Bec

[Croix]

Dear Jason~

I have to say I think Bec has the right of it. Your ex wants to use you, but does not want to commit herself. Even her plan for kids is to get them at 'arms length' by adoption, and does not have a long-term stable home to offer anyway.

I am worried you will be stranded emotionally and financially if you keep going this way. It is so easy to let wishful thinking rule.

I think you are having your buttons pushed and are reacting to order. You realy need someone that is concerned about you. Someone who will try to make plans that benefit you both

Croix