Trying to move on from ex wife but still love her

Boatbuilder82 · ‎01-01-2017

I'm 34 I've recently separated from my wife of 11 years I have 4 beautiful daughters.

my problem is she moved on from our marriage 12 months before we split and while she is now dating a new bloke I am still mourning the demise of our marriage.

i will admit I have depression and was never the easiest person to live with but I was seeking help for myself in the way of antidepressants and counselling and when I became apparent we were having marital difficulties we sought counselling once and could never get her to commit to more sessions

i chose to re invent my self by having weight loss surgery and be a better person for her and the kids but on the eve of my operation she told me our marriage was over and she didn't want me to go through with it if it was for her

i convinced myself it was still the right decision for me so I still went through with it and now I'm 27 kilos lighter and more depressed than ever because I still love her she is moving away, taking the kids away and has a new love

i am absolutely gutted don't know where to turn. Blaming myself is an hourly occurrence and everyone in my family and hers is fence sitting except for my father who hates her guts and if I vent to him he will make waves

feel so alone not fair to dump on my kids cause they are young and having a hard enough time already fear I will never come back from this

geoff · ‎02-01-2017

hello BB, I am sorry about your marriage, but perhaps she wasn't happy in herself rather putting the blame on yourself for her leaving, but for her to get a new b/friend so quickly may have happened while she was still with you, which isn't giving any justice towards you or the children, and that's the sad part.
She obviously had lost interest in the marriage and didn't want to continue the counseling sessions because she had other intentions on her mind.
Good on you for getting the surgery, and can I say that your father could see through her, he knew what her intentions were going to be, but it doesn't make it any easier for the loss of your children which would the worse feeling.
If you had depression there is no way you should blame yourself, it's an illness that many people aren't able to cope with, nor do they want to try and understand the causes and that's the sad point to all of this which is how your wife must have felt, but the most annoying part to this is that she a new b/friend either now or before hand.
The same happened with me although we were just divorced but she set up home with somebody else so quickly, I can't say why but being divorced I had no say, but I didn't like it at all.
Can I suggest that you go and see your doctor and then to be referred onto a psychologist, which can be done by asking your GP about the mental health plan, which entitles you to 10 free visits per year, I think that it's time you got help for yourself. Geoff.

Apollo_Black · ‎02-01-2017

Hi Boatbuilder. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I know you feel alone because I'm going through the same thing and that's how I feel. Separation is probably the hardest thing anyone could ever experience and the fact that children are involve compound this greatly. Without knowing specific details about what happened in your marriage, I want to make sure you have your ass covered. The fact your wife has moved on so quickly could mean a number of things, but you need to protect yourself and your children. How long ago was the separation? Have you come to an agreement regarding the custody of your children? Did she move out or did you?

The most important thing is that you remain calm. As hard as it is right now and as angry as you may feel you must remain calm in front of your kids and your soon to be ex wife. By all means come here to vent. Vent to your family and friends, but leave it there when it comes to how you act in front of the kids etc. One of the worst things you can do is to bag the mother in front of them and vice versa. It's imperative that you support your kids through this and if they also have to deal with conflict between you and your wife they won't do as well.

Depending on how long it's been since separation, and you said it wan't that long - then I hope your wife has the decency not expose the children to her boyfriend. They certainly wouldn't be ready for that.

I know you're struggling with coming to terms with this, and it will take time to recover, but you will. I'm hoping you have sought legal advice as well. Because despite all this being highly emotional, you need to protect your access to your children and your assets. Unfortunately in this day and age men are poorly favoured in the legal system. So make sure you have had some decent legal advice. This is also why you must remain calm and shelve any anger you have around your wife and kids. You don't want to provide her with any ammunition for her to use against your legally.

Apollo_Black · ‎02-01-2017

Yes I also agree with Geoff. It's important to continue your counselling, or if you need to, get a mental health plan and see a psychologist. If anything it will help support you through this emotional rollercoaster. Don't forget though - your kids need you now more than ever, so don't settle for substandard custody agreements. If you were an active Dad in their lives, you need to continue to be there for them. Even if you weren't an active Dad, there's no time like the present.

Boatbuilder82 · ‎02-01-2017

Thanks everyone for your advice it's been very hard this week because she is moving out of the family home and it goes on the market in the next few weeks I have to move back in when she goes but I know she has been with the new bloke in my house in our bedroom and it's too much to bear I'd rather sleep in my car

Apollo_Black · ‎02-01-2017

Have you got legal advice??

Boatbuilder82 · ‎03-01-2017

Yes I have apollo have my own solicitor and we are working on my case now

pipsy · ‎03-01-2017

Hi Boatbuilder. It sounds as though your ex wife could have severe depression too. When women have any sort of depression they often believe it's because they are unattractive to their spouses. With both of you suffering depression any sort of communication is difficult because the depression clouds the thought processes. A woman suffering depression quite often believes herself to be unattractive so she starts 'flirting' to prove to herself she is still the same 'girl' she was before she married and had children. Your decision to have surgery to 'win her back', meant , to her, she was more unattractive. Having surgery for a woman is not an option as the scarring can be traumatizing. I'm not taking sides believe me, being a woman with a similar illness (depression) I often feel I'm not good enough either. She has taken up with this other guy to prove to herself she still has what it takes. Have you actually tried speaking to her? I have just given my bf a jolt when I asked him directly if he loved me. My doubts were simply and solely because I felt I wasn't good enough for him. If your wife really loves you, she could be caught up in something she is unable to stop. Geoff, and A.B have given you a man's perspective, all I'm doing is giving you a woman's view. If I'm wrong, I sincerely apologize.

Lynda

Nickname_F206AE54-1EC8-48 · ‎03-01-2017

Hi Boat Builder today my sons best mate was laid to rest...19 years young...tragic death,,,,mums arent made for that...so please dont ever take life for granted....i too have come out of a long term relationship and yes it hurts but you realise that your kids are the world and it is a great world..i learnt at funeral today to always be there for others and ask 'are u ok" 3 simplewords that can mean the world to others. Take care