Trying to help my sister?

[Monarch]

I don't talk to my sister often so I was surprised one morning when I received the following text.

"Can you ring me today I need to get away from here in abusive relationship and I have no where to go. Need help urgently. Please 🙏 just need a bed and roof for the next week or I'll be on the streets."

My sister lives 3 hours away and I had acute back pain. I decided to show message to my local police station. Local police did not think it warranted any action. I called my sister and drove out to pick her up then took her to mum's place. We did not discuss the details. She left the next day when her husband picked her up. Her choice I guess. 

I called her many months later and she was very angry with me as she had recently received a visit from her local police regarding the message she had sent me. She mentioned "it was very inconvenient". I said I showed police months ago and they didn't think it was serious. Long story short she's seriously pissed off and I am copping the blame for caring. I think maybe someone up there called the police and they went to investigate domestic abuse?

No good deed goes unpunished. I am fed up, feel unappreciated and just want to be left alone now.

What do you people think about this?

Thanks 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Monarch

I'm really sorry that you are feeling unappreciated and fed up.

I think you were right to be concerned about your sister and your actions show that you are a kind and caring person.  Driving to pick your sister up and take her to your mother's house was a wonderful response. You did the right thing, you believed her and you took action to help her escape.

Going to the police without her knowledge and consent is a tricky one. 

I know why you did it, out of concern--I get that.  You had no way of knowing how much danger she was really in and it could have been that she was in need of urgent assistance from local police who would obviously be able to get there faster. 

But, from your sister's perspective, it might have been more helpful to support her to make her own decision about whether or not to contact the police.  She might not have been ready for that out of fear or any number of other reasons.

I agree with you that it seems strange that the police have turned up at her house months later as a result of her message to you.  But there's no way to know for sure what really happened during their visit and not really helpful to anyone get bogged down arguing about this.

I know you are upset that your sister hasn't reacted to your support efforts in the way that you hoped but I'm wondering if you think you could let that go? Your sister is in a dreadful and traumatic situation and I think it would be truly wonderful if you could validate her feelings and continue to be there for her.

You can find more information about domestic and family violence on the White Ribbon or 1800RESPECT websites.

You take care.

Kind thoughts to you

[Monarch]

Thank you for your reply.

Why do I need consent. It became my business when she messaged me. I didn't feel I could help her immediately so I did the next best thing. If something terrible had happened to her, no one could tell me I didn't do enough to help her. Her response to my help my was disrespectful but I would do the same thing again. I don't know if she was being bashed or just being a histerical woman. Either way she asked for my help and I did everything I could to help her. If this was inconvenient, how is it my fault when I was just trying to help a woman in an "abusive relationship". I wonder if this were to happen again, would I take her seriously or not?

Thanks for your reply.

[Monarch]

PS. I will not be validating her twisted illogical mindset.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Monarch

I understand why you approached the police. And I know that you did the best you could in a very difficult situation.
You asked why you might seek consent to contact the police. I hope it’s okay if I explain what I was thinking.

Your sister could have chosen to phone the police herself, but she didn’t—she messaged you. Why? It could be that she was afraid the violence might get worse if the police got involved. Could be that she isn’t ready to go down that path yet.
By contacting the police yourself you took away her decision-making power. Your sister is being abused, which means her abuser 
is exercising a lot of control over her life. In this complex situation, it’s important that she be encouraged to make her own choices, even if it means staying with her abusive partner. 
Making her own decisions will give her strength, hopefully to eventually leave—understanding that leaving her abusive partner will likely be the hardest thing your sister ever does.

Kind thoughts to you