Trying to help my grandmother with the loss of her husband and daughter

[Demi-lee]

Hi everyone one

About a year and a half ago i lost my mum ( grandmother's daughter) then a few months later we lost my grandfather. it's been a very trying time for her since. My partner and i have tried to help her with the little things e.g helping her tidy her house and do shopping for her,but recently I've had alot of appointments with doctors and physclogist appointments for myself and also seeing paediatritions for my son to get checked for aspbergers and i haven't really been able to help my grandmother as much as I'd like. But latley her and i have been arguing about the silliest thing's and she's starting to blame me for alot for her being upset and depressed. i have suggested to her about seeing a counselor for a grief and loss session but she doesn't want to even consider going to an appointment. Im very worried about her and upset that she is blaming me for her being so depressed i have no idea what to do I've tried everything spending time with her talking but nothing seems to work. If anyone has any suggestions that i could suggest to her it would be much appreciated.

Thank you for reading

[Croix]

Dear Demi-lee~

Sometimes the ones we love are the easiest targets and when life treats us badly and we want to respond with hurt and anger then the ones we love can be in the firing line. You grandmother has had two tragedies in quick succession and, silly as it may sound, maybe they are only really hitting her now as she becomes used to an emptier life.

You are under pressure yourself, with your own condition and its associated treatments, and with your son. Taking care of yourself should be a real priory, if you buckle under the strain then your ability to help and care for your grandmother will be lost.

It's good you are having medical treatment, and I hope you have related these problems and sought the advice of your doctor and psychologist. Apart from that is there anyone you can talk to in depth about this, who will care and understand? From your post it may be that your husband is this person. Everyone needs someone to share the load on them.

Talking of sharing, are there others in the family who can also help your grandmother? Her brothers or sisters, other children of friends of hers? Is there anyone she might listen to regarding seeing a grief counselor or similar?

There is information about grief and helping those that are grieving in The Facts menu above. In addition if you browse this Forum I'd expect you will find others who have had to cope like you too.

Please post again and say how you are going

Croix

[solabear]

Sounds like you had a lot on your plate, I really feel for you.

Good on you reaching out to us and a big warm welcome to you.

You are struggling with your own mental health, you are dealing with your own son's health and wellbeing ...and you are trying to help your grandmother as well. You sound like a very caring and loving person...don't let anyone putting a guilt trip on you. You are doing your best and don't let anyone pull you down....not even your grandmother. She is suffering as well, I'm sure it's been very difficult for her and she's trying to blame others, because she doesn't know how to deal with it or take responsibility for her own issues.

The best way for you to deal with her is to set boundaries and try not to allow her to make you feel any way. Because we can not control other people's behaviour ...we can only control how we respond to them.

Warm wishes

Sola

[Guest_9809]

Hello Demi-Lee, and welcome to the BB Forums. I'm glad to see you've already received some understanding support from members who know what you are going through.

I will start by saying how very sorry I am to hear of your recent losses. From what you have said in your opening post, it sounds as though you feel you have your own issues pretty much under control through the GP and psych support which you are currently receiving. And since you have posted in the relationship and family issues, then I understand it is assistance for your grandmother you are seeking in particular here.

So I will try to concentrate mainly on that. But please ensure your own health and that of your son remains your main priority. Just remember that you also have lost two very important people in your life, a mother and a grandfather. The loss of a mother is comparable to the loss of a child, so dont underestimate the affect it will have had on you.

You are also dealing with your son, who sounds like he is having some behavioural issues, possibly as a result of aspergers. The good news on that is that if it turns out to be the case, therapeutic treatments for children are known to be very successful.

Now, to your grandmother. Your grandmother has just lost the two most important people in her life - her daughter followed by her husband. Both are people she would normally expect would be around for her lifetime. As it appears you have a young child, I am guessing that your grandmother may be still in her 60's, meaning her daughter (your mother) died very young. And her husband was also relatively young. In other words her whole world has been turned upside down!

It sounds as though she is angry at the world and everyone in it. You just happen to be around, so its you who cops the brunt of her anger and hurt. Please dont blame yourself! She doesnt mean it.

To help your grandmother, have a read of the BB Resources (blue section below) under the heading "Supporting Someone". You will find tips there to assist you. Also read the "Depression" section and print off any relevant information to leave for your grandmother to read in her own time. After she reads it, you may find her more receptive to discussing treatment options. Does your grandmother have friends or other family members who can share your responsibility to care for her? An opportunity to get out occasionally for coffee or a movie may help her.

Please prioritise your own health needs.

Taurus