Trying to hang on

[leavesofautumn]

I've never done anything like this before, I'm a very private person, but, after reading someone else's thread and seeing how warm and caring her responses were, i thought i could try it myself.

I dont have any friends, i have acquaintances. I've tried many times to make and sustain friendships but it doesn't work out.

I don't have anyone to talk to and the loneliness is horrendous. The family situation is complicated, stressful and toxic so I keep my distance from them also.

I have a son, who is beautiful, kind and sweet. He is having a good few weeks but his life is mostly quite stressful with the challenges he faces. He is receiving good therapy for his autism and that is helping me feel hopeful. A lot of the time it is heartbreaking to watch him be rejected by peers and my family. School is stressful for him so on weekends and after school he refuses to leave the house, now he is refusing to go away on holiday over summer and we will be stuck at home every day for weeks.

My life consists of work, caring for my son and exhaustion. I feel like all the people in my life are toxic for me, work, family, my sons father. I feel trapped living day by day in exhaustion and anxiety.

Im trying to find ways to be positive and to not feel like I'm drowning but the fear of my son's father moving to australia next year and all the crap that comes with that is the final deflation on my life boat. He is incredibly difficult to deal with, i never know what agenda he is working towards and whether that involves manipulating my son. He has no normal boundaries and will do anything to be seen in a good light and says personal things to parents at school, teachers, my sons therapists, even my family or past friends and has no regard for how negatively that can affect me. He writes me emails or calls with blame, hatred, belittling and manipulation and the thought of that being on my door step, in my life on a daily basis is frightening.. it is relentless.

The energy i have goes to my son, he needs me to be there, to support him - i can't give any energy to toxic people.. but now i have no one..

If anyone is out there reading this, i thank you for your time.. it means a lot to me

[LuLu_]

I hear you. I am sorry for your struggles. I can't imagine going through this daily. You have so much strength not only to look after your son but also managing your own situation. Welcome to the beyond blue community. I am also quite new. Thank you for sharing your story. I am quite a private person as well so I can relate in that aspect. You said that you don't have anyone to talk to. Well now you do. We are all here to listen and offer support and I hope you find some comfort here.

It must be hard not having too much time to yourself. But your dedication to your son is wonderful. I do hope you find some quiet time for yourself though to rejuvenate and relax. I am sorry I cannot magically fix everything for you but I offer my good thoughts and two ears to listen to all that you would like to share with us. Well done for taking this step. I know for me it wasn't easy.

LuLu

[james1]

Hi leavesofautumn,

Welcome to the forums. I love your username. It sounds very peaceful, and from your post, perhaps something you're really hoping to get.

I'm so sorry to hear about the family situation especially with your son's father possibly coming to Australia. That sounds very difficult.

It sounds like you're feeling very isolated and under a lot of pressure to do the right thing by you and your son, and you're doing it all alone.

Do you mind if I ask whether you have spoken to a GP or a counsellor of some sort to help you? I find having my psychologist helps me keep my thoughts in order so I can focus on what absolutely needs to be done, and let all the other things go without being too worried. I couldn't do that on my own.

James

[jc2000]

Hi Leavesofautumn,

I'm trying to think of the best way I can help you. I'm only 17 so i have no idea what it's like to be put in that position with your son and his father, but I have plenty of experience trying to deal with loneliness and exhaustion.

I'm also a very private person like you, and didn't come forward to tell anyone about my depression for 3 years, mainly out of fear that no one would care or be able to help or even listen. But talking to someone helped, and still is helping. I understand it would be hard coming forward to talk to someone about everything, i was there, but it could help you more to talk about it outloud, in person with a professional. have you thought about seeing a psychologist? or a therapist? I'm currently seeing a psych and it's really helped, it's helped to put things into perspective and it's helped me to understand what's happening.

It's hard to go the first time, I had my brother in there with me helping to explain everything because i was terrified. but trust me, it helps.

Also it sounds very unfortunate that you and your son seem to be in a bad place, with the whole summer holiday part; maybe see if there is somewhere that he'd like to go? somewhere that fits in with his interests? that could spark some enthusiasm?I'm obviously extremely inexperienced with giving advice, but I'm hoping I've helped.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Julia

[leavesofautumn]

Dear Lulu,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write so supportively - its helped me to not feel so isolated. Thank you for your lovely words.

[leavesofautumn]

Dear James1,

Thank you for your support and kindness.

I have spoken to a GP and therapist before but not for a while. I need to try and make time for this but there's not many opportunities.

I appreciate your support.

[leavesofautumn]

Dear Julia,

Its so kind of you to offer your support and wonderful advice.

I have tried to offer him things that are in his interests but I'm not making any progress - he's so fixated on it being safer and easier at home because its often hostile for him when out.

I'm probably just not hitting the mark with what will spark his interest but I'll keep trying.

Wonderful advice from you and very helpful - I appreciate it.

[james1]

hello leaves,

Thank you for responding to everyone so thoughtfully.

Between work and your son, not to mention having to clean up even small amounts and getting enough rest, I totally understand why there aren't many opportunities to go back to the GP and therapist.

Perhaps it's a good idea to plan this in advance. Book in an appointment now for, say, a week or two from now. It's locked in and everything else can work around it.

By putting this appointment in, you're not only helping yourself, but you're also helping your son by making sure you're mentally healthy. If you are very worried about how to leave him for that period of time, perhaps you can speak to the therapist or GP when you call up and see if they have any suggestions.

I am not sure how old your son is, but I have had a few friends with autism and this period is often the hardest. Both you and he are trying to figure out what he needs socially, and what he doesn't want. I know it's no comfort to you now, but it sounds like you're doing all you can do at the moment to support him as he finds this for himself. This will hold him in good stead later, but it is very challenging at the moment.

James

[jc2000]

Hi Leavesofautumn,

It's wonderful that you're working so hard to try and make him happy, you seem like such an amazing mother to him. Maybe you could try and talk to him about his worries and concerns about going away, and maybe find somewhere to go that he would be interested in (get him to suggest a place). You could try explaining that you've been so tired and exhausted recently and that you'd really like to go away with him and spend some quality time with him, this could possibly appeal to him because he might realise that this holiday isn't just about him, that it's also about you.

I obviously do not have a lot of experience with children or with helping people with autism, but I'm hoping I've helped at least a little. I hope to hear from you soon,

Julia

[leavesofautumn]

Dear James1,

Thank you so much for everything you wrote - your understanding and insight is spot on. There is so much that goes into every day of my son's life - he was diagnosed a year ago and its been a whirlwind since.. 3 schools in one year, many different therapists, some unbelievably terrible.. but he's in a much better place mentally because of all the effort and attention. He was also diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety.. its been a painful and heartbreaking path but we celebrate the little wins with such enormous pride.. its taken its toll on me though, but we are strong and resilient and we keep finding ways to be optimistic and try to improve our circumstances...

As of yesterday I'm told my job is on the line because i have to work school holidays which I've told them i can't because my son is traumatized in the school holiday programs...

I will make the effort to go to see someone - i'm sure a fresh perspective will be helpful to try and work through these big challenges coming up.. With everything going on, his father coming next year is the most frightening for me - i'm the scapegoat for all his issues and its constant drama with accusations, gas lighting and manipulation.. he makes life unnecessarily unbareable..

Thank you for listening and being so supportive and understanding