Totally Gutted

[bayside14]

Hi im feeling totally gutted - like i have been smacked in the head with a hammer. (so hard to put words on paper to explain)

I run a small business with my wife married for 15years over 16 years together - we are in our mid 40s, we have two teen age kids.

our marriage has always been strong, we have our ups and downs- just like any couple. we don't usually fight. Ive always tried to keep the spark going as well-we just booked our holiday overseas with the kids- When i met her i moved to the city to be with her -worked in a few jobs before diving into business together. 

we are on our second business now, will be our last. 

i have seen my wife take on alot of work - i try to be there to support her as much as i can - but its not enough. end of finical year we get bombarded with bills. so we pull back on ordering so i do . my wife said she is going to be stressed to say the least. however last night she lost it at me. said she was ready to sell the business and divorce me as she can not cope anymore- drumming up past events. my poor kids heard it they reacted as well. She did calm down after a while still not ok though- but it left me in shock and very fragile to say the least.

i am so scared of loosing her and my kids they are my world. it is horrible - i sat in my car this morning crying as a stupid supplier did not have a order ready for us- worried that this would set her off as well. 

See my wife has never said that she wanted to leave me let alone divorce me. 

i am hoping time heals wounds - any advice navigating tricky times and getting a relationship back from the brink would be appreciated. 

[bayside14]

Also to add to this - should i look at getting ahead of this by looking at my options if it turns bad? lawyers etc

[tranzcrybe]

"she was ready to sell the business and divorce me as she can not cope"
Notice the order and association of business and the relationship?
The business is the primary cause of distress, and you are embedded in the ordeal which links to the stress.

I am aware that running your own business is not just 'full time', it never really turns off - always there 24/7 and priorities get diverted from what is important, in this case, your wife and how she is not coping.

The simple solution is to take her plea seriously and sell the business for the sake of the relationship; though this may not be practical or financially viable, you can always redesign your work/life priorities to see this through together.

Her comment does seem reactionary more than considered but left unaddressed the seeds of discontent will surely grow.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Bayside14, 

We’re sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way and going through such a difficult time. It is completely understandable to feel gutted by what has happened.  We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you. 

There is no doubt that being in the position of running a business can be incredibly stressful and can reach a boiling point. It can be helpful to have someone to talk to about everything that is happening - whether this be a counsellor (individually or together), family member or close friend. It is a huge amount to carry by yourself and as humans we can often only take so much before we start to feel completely overwhelmed. If you or your wife ever want to talk, please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. 

We also have a NewAccess service specifically to support owners of small businesses - recognising that can be a huge stressor. More information here.

It is great that you have been able to reach out for support here on the forums. We are here to sit with you. Even if we may not always have the solutions, we hope that you can feel less alone in what you are going through.

Kind regards,  Sophie M 

[quirkywords]

Bays side I ran a business years ago in accommodation and my partner spent most of his time at pubs in time. I ran the business and a,so taught a few days in the week. We were always fighting.

you however have a solid relationship which is stressful.

Sophie has helpful suggestions talking or even writing down what your priorities are talking to a counsellor will help.

your wife may feel overwhelmed if you can talk to counsellor and discuss your concerns if this helps. 

[Juliet_84]

Hi Bayside14,

Your wife sounds as though she’s been under incredibly pressure due to the business and has snapped. You sound like a good husband and your reaction is very heart-warming - as the others mentioned, you are just linked to the business (the primary source of the stress) so she is not seeing a way out. Is your wife necessary for the business - ie could you get her out and hire someone else to take her place? It might not be ideal financially, although I imagine your wife could get another job and bring in a salary there, but I think it would be worthwhile doing if it saves your otherwise strong marriage.