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Together for 15 years and feeling alone, what to do?

LLB
Community Member
I've been married for 8 years and before that, dated my husband for 7 years. We have one child together, just over 14 months old.
I am experiencing problems in our marriage.
1. My partner's libido is almost non existent for the past 3 years and we haven't been intimate for the past 17 months. Due to this, I struggled to get pregnant and the pressure during then really put a strain on our relationship. I begged him to seek professional help and he went for one test, which tested his testosterone levels and apparently he's all good. I've tried many times to talk to him about possible ways of resolving this issue but he's either too proud or he doesn't think there's an issue at hand, end result is that he just dismisses my requests. Now that we have a child together, he seems so relieved and doesn't think there's any problem at all (or is he pretending?). I don't understand how he can stay so calm when I can see this glaring problem exisiting in our relationship. I don't want to talk to my friends about this issue as we all know each other and I don't want to embarrass him as he's a very proud person. My husband has also stopped kissing me, hugging me or holding my hands. He only kisses, hugs and holds the baby now. I get so sad sometimes, that I wonder if he even still loves me.
2. Since the birth of my baby, my husband has critisised me frequently. Little things he say that hurt me a lot, such as, "what kind of mother are you?", "stop coughing so loud, you're waking up the baby, control it geez!" I react very badly to these comments and we often end up arguing. I understand having a baby can be stressful but I always thought we'd take it on together, not for him to constantly critise my parenting skills.
I hesitant to talk to my parents or friends about my relationship problems as I don't want to create unnecessary noise from outsiders.
Anyone out there going through similar situations? How have you dealt with it?
17 Replies 17

LLB
Community Member
Hi Sparrowhawk,

Thank you for your many advices.
I did ask him whether he still loves me and he rolled his eyes at me, asked me " What do you think?
I told him I don't know because I can't tell and at times I can't feel it. He was angry and hurt by my comment. He said to me if that's how I feel then he's got nothing to say to me.
I'm afraid to ask again. I don't know whether I'm being needy or are my feelings justified. I'm confused.
Regarding parenting, I have no issues of him being more protective. I just don't like it when he gets angry at me when our style differ. For example, sometimes when we have dinner, baby would want to get out of the high chair and throw a tantrum. I would let baby throw a tantrum if we're almost done with dinner whereas my husband would want to pick baby up to ease the crying. He would then be angry with me and have asked me how I can be so cold hearted. I don't think I was being harsh but he obviously didn't agree. His constant critism of me is why can't I be a better mum. And I find myself always explaining myself to him. We clash on many other little things involve parenting and I get sad because I don't know how to resolve them. I feel misunderstood and so lonely sometimes.
All these negative feelings make me feel there's now a barrier separating us. Invisible and often ignored. I don't know how to make things better. I don't know how to reconcile our differences and make this bitterness go away.
Ranting here help to get my frustration out so thank you very much for listening.

LLB
Community Member
Hi Nothappy@uni,

I had a chance to read your thread today. Sorry I didn't read it earlier but I don't know how to search for them. It was by chance that I saw your thread since it had new posts.
I am sincerely sorry about the current state your relationship is in. It seems far worse than mine and I can almost feel the suffering through your words.
Do you think your reluctance to leave can be partly attributed to the sunk time effect in a committed relationship?
Yes, you are definitely not alone. Your partner's assertion regarding female not needing intimacy is of course ludicrous. I do note however, that for a large proportion of females, perimenopause and menopause can greatly reduce their sex drive. So it could be that most of your partner's friends belong to that group and she is in fact, not lying about her friends. That being said, her attitude is hurtful.
By the way, I believe it is not my sadness that make you happy, it is the resonance you found in our situations that make you happy that you're not alone. And I completely understand that, empathy is the good part of humanity. "Soul destroying" is exactly how I described it in another forum I posted in. I guess the feeling of not being desired by the ones you love, is quite universal.
I do hope my situation changes, soon.
Thanks for your well wishes and big hug to you too.



Nothappyuni
Community Member

Hi LLB,

Thank you so much for your kind words. Your post is deeply reflective.

Reading what some women have to put up with on this site just make me cry. I can see how my not being loved or wanted is not such a big thing compared to what others are going through.

We are complicated animals.

I hope your situation changes too. But I know it will not change without both of you making an effort.

In the search bar top right, put: GoodWitch I want to separate from my husband but don't know how

If you have not read that thread already, it is astounding. A lot of advice for someone in your position.

LLB
Community Member
Hi Nothappy@uni,

Thank you for your recommendation. The title actually scared me a little, the separation word that I do not want to see. I have read GWs posts and considered her words. I have asked myself the question, is the lack of physical intimacy a good enough reason to leave a marriage? Does the lack of this intimacy underline something else missing in our relationship? Is my husband bored of me? Is this as good as it will get or will it get better? Am I okay with it, if we were to have no physical intimacy foe the rest of our time together (that thought actually scared me too)?
I churn these questions over and over in my head. I am not ready to leave. I want our relationship to work. But I need him to admit that there's something to work on, that what we currently have is not healthy, but without him feeling pressured. I've read about men who has low sex drive, their anxiety and sadness due to it and how their partners blame them and making matters worse. I don't want to be that partner. I want to be supportive and I want him to want to change it but I don't know how to convince him. I don't want to threaten him with ultimatums. We both don't react well to threats.
I feel like throwing something against the wall and scream my lungs out.
Sorry for this incoherent post. I think I'll just stop writing now to calm down a bit.
Thanks.

Nothappyuni
Community Member

Hi LLB,

In every way you and I are going through the same thoughts and emotions. If I had not read a lot of other threads here I would freak out thinking of how alike our thoughts are.

I have gone through such depression with this, it has taken me to the very brink –I have looked into the abyss.

You have a little one, where mine are nearly grown up. That makes my heart bleed for you, I don't know whether the relationship problems or Uni has done it, but I cry often thinking about the hardships that others face. Thinking about how I am reduced to living like a stone, cast into a cold black lake, that makes me cry at times too.

At the end of the day, we must choose to accept a loveless hollow relationship, and the insanity and self hate that comes with it, or we decide to move on.

Zarah_J
Community Member

This has taken sometime to convince myself to create a little account for me...

But I do feel I need someone to talk too.. I’m a mother of two amazing smart cleaver boys 3 & 5 and they keep me together.. however some days i can’t keep it together and I feel so alone.. in the past I have suffered PND and it was difficult , I still suffer from anxiety and some days when it seems so hard I just want to sleep for days... I am other the boys father and have been for 8 years, I was originally from the coast and moved to a very small dessert town... due to the partner scoring a good job.. however I found I’m even more so lonelier than before, I feel I had NOBODY, it’s like I dropped everything.. my partner is originally from here (the bush pretty much) and he had family friends work and a social life 😔 I in the other hand my two boys and nothing...

Hi Zarah J,

Without giving away too much, I can honestly say I understand your emotions, your isolation. Chasing work I moved to a small town with the family. When I reflect on everything, I believe it was this that started all the problems. My partner had always depended on me for company, but I lost myself in my work (12 hour days) and the kids ( I worshipped the kids and spent as much time as I could with them), paying bills and getting ahead in life, my partner must have felt isolated. She is socially awkward and depended on me to start conversations with other people, (also very controlling and didn't like me to have friends, that would mean I spent less time with her). The money is what draws people to these isolated places, but so many people I worked with were getting divorced, having affairs or on drugs.

Please, Zarah J, tell your husband/partner how you feel. NOW, don't leave it till tomorrow. Money is nothing if you don't have happiness. I believe, that my wife turned to the kids as her only companions, now the oldest is leaving, it has shattered my 'partner's' world. She is lost and thinks alcohol, affairs, night clubbing, holidays with other people etc will fill that hole. No.

Zarah J, I wish more people were like you and started looking, started talking, when they first became aware that something wasn't right. Leaving it, ignoring it, pretending there is no problem makes it worse.

The stress of the relationship breakdown ends the job, the big money ends, the bills come along. Without work your'e worse off than before the move (as a friend of mine had happen, her partner came home from FIFO and said "I am not coming home next shift end, I have found someone else and I now live with them", they 2 kids, 18 years together, a couple that were high school sweethearts, and it came to that! She died of cancer some 4 years later. The worry eats you up inside.

Talk to your partner, write down what you feel before hand (so you don't get side tracked), do not blame your partner, own your feelings, be honest. And tell us all how it went. Please keep talking

LLB
Community Member
Welcome Zarah J,

I understand that loneliness. I sometimes feel so isolated even when I'm surrounded by people. I see myself laughing and talking with others, seemingly happy yet no one knows how empty I feel inside.
We are by and large social animals and the need to connect is paramount to our well-being. Are there any social clubs you can join in the town? Any common interests you and others can share on a regular basis? I understand that these probably can't replace the close friends and family members you've left behind and I really feel for you. Please, feel free to post anything here.
Big hugs for you.