This Needs To End

[Loveanimals]

My 19 year old son lives with me.  I have posted before about him.  I love him but he is driving me into an early grave.  He does absolutely nothing other than his three hour shifts at a takeaway restaurant; of which he does maybe three per week...of which he has me drive him to and pick him up from. As he refused to take driving lessons with me and his licence expired.   He slobs around and eats everything in the house.  Makes mess and doesn't clean it up.  Asks for smokes and booze and takeaway although he has spent his pay.  Takes 30 minute showers.  Etc etc ad nauseum.  Refuses to address his university studies for which he was failing at end of 2023.  

Menawhile I work part time and run the show.  I am a tidy and neat person.  To feel all of my efforts are in vain as he has no pride over anything.  I had a go at him before and he had the audacity to say that I am selfish???!!!  It is like living in a toxic marriage...but I have no way out!!  There is nowhere he could go!  His dad has remarried and doesn't want him ( he never did hence the divorce but that is another story).  He has no friends.  No money.  No motivation. No self respect. 

It is killing me.  I am the total opposite to him.  I have worked all of my life and had no hand outs from anyone.  I got my own licence on my own dollar.  I always respected my elders and god forbid if I stepped wrong.  I dislike him intensely.  He is not the person I tried to bring up decently, he throws everything back at me and makes me feel like rubbish.  I do not understand and I am hating my so called life.  

I have tried everything to help him and it is all for nothing.  Counselling, sports/hobbies, big discussions...writing up contracts etc etc.  All goes to nothing within a day or so.

He is likely depressed due to his weight but he refused to go to the gym or do anything about it.  I am beyond besides myself.  I actually don't have anything to look forward to other than more of this bullshit every single day.  The only escape for me is  booze and that will do me in I guess.  I don't even really want it but when the shit hits the fan everysingleday with him....I do it because it numbs me to a degree.  I just want a peaceful life.  He is drama through and through.  When he finishes work he raves on about how shit it is...I then remind him this is why he is studying (?!) at uni so he won't be trapped in that life....nup .  Might as well go outside and bang my head on the brick wall.  He will be the death of me. 

[Justwalkinghome]

Fellow young adult mum here. Your situation sounds really tough. 

the first thing that stood out is smokes and take aways. I was at my young son to get a job for ages - sending ads, nagging etc. Nothing was working, and so I said “when you turn 16 I’m not paying for extras. No $10 for this, $ for a pie etc. Get a job.”

he hasn’t gotten a job and so he doesn’t have $ for treats and hanging out with friends. Natural consequence.

If your boy wants smokes and take aways he can pay for them. If he wants more $ he can get more hours or a new job.

On the licence I would say the same. “I’m able to drive you to work for another (however long) and after that you’re going to need to work something out. I’m happy to help you get your hours up, or you could ask (name a family or friend) but I won’t be driving you after *date*.

i wish I had a solution for the cleaning up. For the really gross stuff, like not cleaning up after using the toilet, I call them back to do it. If they say no I wait until their significant other is around and pretend they haven’t cleaned the toilet after themselves. Only takes one time. 

[Elle81]

I think at 19yrs old kids start to think if they don't have it all now there is no hope and it's easier to give up.

From what you wrote it seems he is struggling with his self esteem, lack of confidence & a certain level of depression. I have heard that what kids go through from the age of 12 to 24 really shapes them into their adult self bringing along habits. I think at 19 you still have the opportunity to reconnect with your son. 

It's a new year so maybe try a bucket list with him, add in some fun things you can do together as well as some more serious goals (like drivers licence by x date, loose 5kg in 6months, re evaluate uni courses) 

Have you asked him what he wants and what does he think is holding him back....

• I think what is really important is that you tell him how you feel, maybe write a letter if you can't talk. Ensure not to blame or point fingers maybe start with I need to make some changes to feel more healthy emotionally & physically this year. At my age I was hoping that I would feel more stress free and enjoy my home but I'm feeling alot of tension between us. We need to take it step by step to lift eachother up, support and respect eachother, I am hoping you will join me on this journey and I'm hoping we can set some realistic goals together.
• These goals should be set around 3 points and then have 3 goals under each point for example Home: clean up after every meal & snack. Take the rubbish out, keep common areas clean. 
• Lifestyle: join an online goal oriented app to get fit/healthy (healthy mummy is a good one), do more home cooking, go for a walk together once a week
• Relationship: have respect, start talking & listening more, set boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable. 

Good luck. Focus on what you want for your life rather than catering for him which he seems accustomed too.

[Earth Girl]

When it comes to the mess he makes, I would tell him that if he doesn't clean up after himself, that you won't be giving him any money when he asks for it - and make sure you keep your word and don't offer him money if he makes any messes that he doesn't fix right away otherwise he will walk all over you.

As for his weight, it's possible that he is not just ashamed of his weight itself, but is also ashamed of having to try to lose it and so he might find going to the gym or going for runs embarrassing. I would encourage him to go on lots of walks with you because even that is a start. I've always done a lot of walking and so I didn't really think to walk more to try to lose weight, but one day, I just started walking more (mostly because there wasn't much to do) and I ended up losing a lot of weight in the lower half of my body (I'm pear shaped). Even a lot of people I went to school have noticed that I've lost weight.

Depression is a hard thing to go through (as you probably know because you might have it right now or have had it before) so this is going to be tricky since there's so much that he could be doing, but so hard for him to do. Having really good friends can help with depression. Can I ask why he doesn't have any friends? (E.g. Shyness, his depression, grew out of old friendships, etc). He's sort of in a vicious cycle because in order to make friends, you need to put yourself out there, but because of his depression, he would really struggle to do that which probably makes him feel worse.

At least once his finished studying, he'll be able to get a job he really likes and that should make things a bit better.

I don't really know what to do about these problems sorry, but when it comes to him making messes, make sure he at least doesn't get away with that. If he really wants money when he has made a mess, tell him to clean it up and maybe also get him to wipe something down or get rid of a cobweb as well to make up for the fact that he left a mess that you told him not to do any more. It drives me crazy when my family leave their mess lying around because it's so easy to clean up after yourself. They often even leave their used socks all over the floor lol. Even if his depressed, he should be able to at least clean up after himself. I've had depression too, and I could still do this. It's not a hard thing to do.

[Loveanimals]

Thankyou for your wonderful response.  Some great advice there which I will be taking onboard.  

[Loveanimals]

Thankyou so much for your advice.  He doesn't have real friends as all his time is spent on the computer.  He doesn't engage out of work with his colleagues.  He doesn't make any effort for anything really unless it benefits him in some way.  I have a few ideas up my sleeve and will also take on what you and other caring people on this site have suggested.  Thankyou. 

[Loveanimals]

Thankyou for your help.  I think that putting a timeline on the taxiing him around is a great start!  He can buy a bike if needs be.  It is only 20 minutes to his job and the exercise would do him good!