Tapped by manipulation involving substance abuse

[Mazie]

My daughter and partner have health issues as do I. Children are involved age 6, 12 and 5 months.  My daughter has not been well since the birth of the baby and her partner has health issues like fitting etc, but he plays on his health issues to manipulates my daughter for instance if she asked him to help with the baby, he will have a coughing fit,  or he will go out smoking and come back in his own time. I had the family and their dog living with me for 9 days and I saw how her partner manipulates the situation and sucks up to me because he knows I'm not happy with him, also there are drugs involved, they both take drugs, and he carries a tinny with him as well. When he is supposed to look after the family, it ends me having to pick up the pieces and. I'm not well with osteoarthritis and needing an injection in my shoulder for a torn tendon. My daughter is so thin and not eating properly and the house is like a bomb hit it. I don't want to ring the authorities yet because it will destroy my daughter, but her partner is doing a good job of that, she can see what is but won't say anything to him, sometimes makes excuses for him like you can't push him or he will fit etc., they are both hooked on different drugs, and my fear is they will end up on even harder stuff. She takes care of the kids well but is not looking after herself.  She has only me to turn to for help and I have no one for support or help. I simply do not know what to do. Like I mentioned it's easy to say report them, but the repositions will be bad. Two children do not belong to him it's a very hard sticky situation. it's like damned if I do and damned if I don't. The only way I would report them is if the children are in danger, but for the moment they are not in any danger. It's my daughter I'm worried about and as far as her partner goes, he is a manipulating person who is trying to weave his lack of responsibility with his charm which won't work with me, and he knows I'm onto him as being a liar and a lazy good for nothing. He is not helping my daughter in any way or form infarct because of his lack of responsibility and morals, he has dragged her down to the ground all he does is smoke, drink take drugs sleep and play the good villein when his is on a high. I've tried talking to her, but she makes excuses for him every time, like, you can't push him because he will fit, you can't do this or that because he will fit. I was asked to go shopping for her and get meds for her because he was unwell and in bed, when i turned up with the shopping he came from a neighbours place, happy full of life and I thought he was supposed to be not well, so why did my daughter not say ok you can go shopping and I'll ask mum not to bother , by the way I haven't been well with some flu bug. When I went into the house, he was so nice to me helping me etc., I was not impressed, then after when I was leaving, he walked me to the car and went back to his neighbour's house. My daughter could have even left her partner to watch the kids while she popped out, but no, I was called to drive almost half an hour for something they could have done themselves.  I am not impressed.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sadly this is a dilemma that may grandparents find themselves.

I've read your post twice and I'm still struggling to see why you want "authorities" notified. As I see it, they havent done anything unlawful. You did say "...  but for the moment they are not in any danger.". 

Hypothetically if police attended then as I see it, possession of "drugs" could be the only thing that they could be charged with and those charges would not impact their parenting of the children. They would also need a search warrant and those arent issued easily- there must be suspicion of a more grave criminal act.

So the following are not a crime-

• a messy house
• pretending to have a medical problem (even if proven)
• manipulation
• An adult not caring for themselves
• A spouse falling for their partners antics
• Not telling the truth (unless to police or a court or affidavit)

However it seems clear that you do believe that reporting them will "destroy your daughter" when I dont think you are on the right track there.

Your daughter chose her partner and she seems content with him to a degree because she believes he is genuine. Your account of his deceiving you and her (being unwell) and manipulation is really a marital matter IMO. Your daughter is "thin" so you're worried about her health. It's normal to worry about your childs health but realistically what can a parent do about that? All you can do is refer her to her GP and encourage her to give up drugs in a tactful subtle manner.

In my own view if I was you I'd distance myself from their home and their lifestyle and also focus purely on how to remain a solid grandparent to the kids. When a grandparent becomes too focussed on the lifestyle their children choose it often goes belly up to being accused of "interfering". That possibility can lead to losing your daughter and your grandchildren altogether and that can be shattering. Prevention is better than cure.

So, as they are not carrying out illegal activity that effect their children authorities like child protection would not become involved as they arent in danger. Sadly "drugs" are so common now and that is a police matter that has little bearing on the welfare of their children. Providing they are clothed, fed and treated well.  All other topics mentioned is purely the choices of the two adults and as their attitudes dont blend well with yours and makes you worry to drift away is in my view the best scenario for all concerned.

Drifting away wont be easy for you but you'd still have a positive influence on your grandkids especially if they stay over in a neat well organised home like your own. I'd embrace that as my motivation to keep the peace.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK