Stunned! Husband of 38 years said he wants out

[Erin1]

I’ve been married 38 years and about a year ago my husband told me that he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore - says he doesn’t love me. No explanation. I was stunned. Absolutely blind-sided.

He has never been one to talk about emotions. He is very formal - even with me. He’s very polite - most of the time but if he gets annoyed with me (over minor things) then I get the silent treatment and the frowns.

He mostly won’t talk about why he wants to end our marriage. He said he’s been unhappy for a while - though he has never said anything to me. When I ask him ‘why’, he usually says he don’t want to talk about it or he talks vaguely, saying “our paths have diverged” but won’t elaborate when I ask for details. We have done everything together so his comment makes no sense. He has never indicated that anything was wrong. He insists there is no one else. He said I’m not loving enough (he hasn’t said that before). I told him that I didn’t want to separate and suggested counselling so we can work things through. He (very reluctantly) agreed to go but didn’t get involved or open up much or follow any advice. He’s now said that he tried to make it work. He says that he doesn’t know why he wants out. If that’s true, then I don’t understand. If that’s not true then I don’t understand why he won’t tell me.

I don’t see any indications of depression and I’ve tried talking about to him about that but he says he’s not depressed.

Our grown-up children are shocked too. They have tried to talk to him but he won’t open up to them either. He has accused me of turning them against him - which isn’t true as I have encouraged them to stay in contact. They are adults and form their own opinion. They’ve told him that although they are upset, sad and hurt, they still love him - so don’t know why I’m being accused of turning them against him.

Our very close friends have tried to talk to him but he won’t discuss anything.

He has always done things his way and regularly criticised me for minor things and was a controlling person generally and whilst I won’t miss that, it’s hard being on my own after so long together. I miss what we had.

I’ve had to accept the situation and we’ve now sold our house and separated.

I don’t understand how I got to be in this situation without any warning.

I’ve struggled a lot over the past year but am mostly okay now but still on a roller-coaster of emotions. Just wondering if this is what others have experienced and how you’ve coped.

[quirkywords]

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[Erin1]

Yes, I agree that changes as we get older are expected. In my marriage though, there was no hint of any issue until recently. Then came a change in his attitude to me. He became cold and detached. I thought he had someone else but as I said, he denied it.

I now know that there is someone else - a very much younger woman. I asked him how long it has been going on for but he’s told me it’s none of my business.

[Erin1]

So sorry Lychee for the hurt and pain you’re feeling. Like you, I’m grappling with why the person I’ve been married to for the major part of my adult life turned on me. It is hurtful and hard to come to terms with.

I can understand why your son is devastated too. It affects even grownup children - my sons are devastated too and can’t fathom the sudden change in their Dad’s behaviour and attitude

The lying is particularly hard to deal with

Keep talking to a counsellor - it’s so important. The hurt will go away eventually but it takes time. Be kind to yourself. I find walking helps me to be calm. I also have a few close friends that are supportive and I can confide in them. I hope you have someone who you can lean on right now to help you through this difficult time.