Stuck in a bad relationship but not ready to leave

bagelsbee · ‎17-09-2023

I feel like I’ve been spiralling lately. My relationship with my partner has had highs and lows, and this time last year I was seeing a psych about it. She suggested I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I think she was right, but I’m still in it. He keeps calling me crazy after I’ve told him how it hurts me. And he doesn’t seem to consider my feelings in his actions. Somehow when he does something hurtful I end up at fault and apologising. But I can’t bring myself to leave him. I cry every day. I just want to get back to who I was before him. I feel like I can’t talk to my friends about any of this because I don’t want them to think less of me. I just feel so tired and alone and angry and hurt.

Em90 · ‎17-09-2023

Hi bagelsbee.

I found myself in a similar situation a few years back. I isolated myself from friends and family for fear of judgement. I was constantly told I was crazy by my ex, belittled and controlled for almost 5 years of my life, but in the same years I thought we had a lot of fun together, as it turns out, it was just his way of keeping me under his control. I finally got up the courage to speak to a close friend of mine who could see that I was fading and not myself. I was shocked that I didn't receive judgement, I was sure she would think I was mad for not wanting to leave. Instead, she was so supportive, empathised with my situation and eventually gave me the confidence to leave.

True friends will never think less of you.

I think you've made a very brave choice to post a story like this online. Advice from strangers can sometimes be enough to help you out of tough times.

I can't really offer advice, as every situation is different and only you know wheh to make the choice for yourself. I can only hope that you can find the courage to get some support from those closest to you.

I feel for you and your situation and wish you all the best. You don't have to feel alone.

sbella02 · ‎17-09-2023

Bagelsbee,

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience, thank you so much for reaching out.

If you would feel comfortable opening up to at least one of your friends, please do. Good, loyal friends won't think any less of you. It's a good idea to have social support to empower you to eventually make a decision like leaving an emotionally abusive partner, and good friends can give you both the space to vent and the freedom to be yourself and heal surrounded by people who will love and support you and lift you up if you're down. The same is true for any loved ones or family members.

I would like to ask you a question that isn't necessarily intended to be responded to: why do you feel like staying with this person? Is it perhaps familiarity, attention, are you relying on them for something? What do they bring to your life?

I was in what I would consider to be a toxic relationship, and one valuable thing that I realised was that I was fine before I met this person, and I can be fine without them once again. I narrowed my attachment to him down to a need for validation and possibly attention, and threw myself into hobbies, passions, and socialising with my friends to find fulfilment away from him. Once you're ready to get there, this process is definitely not linear and can sometimes be excruciating, but it's important to remember that healing doesn't happen overnight. Be patient with yourself and suspend your judgement towards yourself... recognise that it's not your fault and that you don't have to go through your healing process alone.

Please let me know what you're thinking. Does any of this resonate with you? Who else have you spoken to or would be willing to speak to about this?

Take care, SB

therising · ‎18-09-2023

Hi bagelsbee

My heart goes out to you as you struggle with the direction you need to take regarding what sounds like a deeply depressing relationship. I think one of the hardest things about gradually waking up to just how depressing a depressing relationship is involves recognising disappointment...

It's like 'I appoint you, my partner, as the person who will always deeply listen to me and help me work through my challenges. I appoint you as the person who will feel how deeply I feel in regard to certain matters. I appoint you the role of 'He/she who will share adventures that feed our souls'. I appoint you the person who brings me joy when sadness is all I can feel' and the list goes on. So, there are all these appointments or these roles we appoint our partner but here comes the kicker... They dis-appoint themself from all those roles, one by one, over and over and we can feel those disappointments, one by one, over and over. The major challenge can come down to the final dis-appointment which can come from us: I no longer appoint you the role of 'My partner'. Can be an incredibly painful and grief ridden thing, that final disappointment. While I'm still with my husband, for a couple of reasons that work for me, from my own experience I found what can make things easier is figuring out everything your partner likes to appoint themself as. Should add it can become a bit of an angering exercise. Could sound like 'I appoint myself as the person who does whatever I like to make myself happy, while being someone who couldn't care less about working hard to understand how my partner feels (because that stuff's just too challenging and uncomfortable for me). I appoint myself as the person who much prefers to find fault in my partner as oppose to wondering about how my own faults cause pain to them' and on it goes. I bet you're a hard worker. I imagine you're someone who's learned to bend and flex, someone who's worked hard to evolve in ways of being a problem solver, someone who's worked hard on better understanding your emotions, someone who's developed the ability to see reason (becoming a more reasonable person) etc etc. So, while growing and evolving tremendously through a depressing relationship, I imagine you've learned a lot about yourself as he's remained largely the same person.

What are your self appointments going to sound like? For example, 'I appoint myself as someone who will not accept blame for what is not a fault in me. I appoint myself as someone who will not accept or settle for another person's self service to the point where it's depressing. I appoint myself as someone who has the ability to feel what's depressing and will trust that what I feel is not in my imagination' and the list goes on. Maybe this is who you were to begin with. I've found one of the great things about friends is they can help you re-member yourself (put yourself back together), piece by powerful piece.😊

bagelsbee · ‎25-09-2023

Thank you. I can’t really express how… seen and heard and supported I feel right now. I had kind of forgotten what that feels like.

I am happy to hear you managed to get out of your situation, and that you had the support of your close friend.

I am feeling a bit stronger. And I think he is seeing that too- I am recognising a behaviour change (which is his pattern- to make me feel loved whenever he sees I am closer to leaving), so I am trying not to get sucked in, even though part of me is hopeful that we’re getting better.

I feel like I am ranting a little, but all I really wanted to say was thank you- I am really, really appreciative of your words and support.

quirkywords · ‎25-09-2023

Bagelsbee

i can relate to your situation. T be good times and kind behaviour give us hope things have changed . I am always walking on eggshells incase I say sonething that will trigger negative behaviour.
We are here listening to you if you want to post.

sbella02 · ‎01-10-2023

Bagelsbee,

It's so good to hear that you're feeling stronger. Take that as progress, and relish what it feels like, bask in this accomplishment. It feels good to feel stronger. This can even be reinforcement for you to make further progress in building up your strength.

Always here to support you 🙂

SB