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Struggling with being a step

Feper
Community Member

Hey needed to say something somewhere. I really struggle ,with being a step parent and the constant worry that I can loose all this at the drop of a hat.

my back story, I was in a relationship with a sing;e Mum of 3 girls that started around 16 years ago, we split up around 10 years ago and the youngest girl came and lived with me, she is now 21 and still living with me , but I still have these concerns that I can loose it all by her mum dying don’t see her or her partner saying “he’s not your,real dad” This pain never goes away. Am I irrational?

7 Replies 7

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

Worry is handy in an ulcer factory.

Seriously, there is more harm done to us individuals through worry/guilt/stress than anything else. That child that is now 21yo will love you all your life so push your worries aside.

Google

Beyondblue topic worry worry worry

TonyWK

Thanks Tony; You are probably 100% correct but this fear I have is irrational and hard to mange

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Feper...

I echo Tony’s words...He is a very wise man...

Your step daughter is now 21 years old...the youngest of the 3 children....100% she loves you..because she has been with you since she was 11 years old....and still is..

Regardless of what her mother and mums partner says to them....You’re step daughter will still love you...She is old enough to know that you have loved and care for her for over 10/years and you still do love and care her...

My kindest wishes and caring thoughts dear Feper..

Grandy...

tranzcrybe
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Feper,

Thank you for posting to the forums and I hope you can clarify my confusion -

Have you been forthcoming with the child you raised for 10 years that you are not the biological father? If so, you and your step daughter have a transparent relationship and, as a mature adult, she has the right to pursue her life as she sees fit.

If not, I feel you need to raise this with her to avoid further complications down the track...

Your status as parent/guardian is irrefutable, and you clearly have a close bond that sees her with you still as an adult, so that association should never change; but laying your cards on the table will show her the respect she deserves as an adult and equally satisfy the unconditional love you provide as a parent.

Dealing with how this is received will be another form of anxiety in the short term, but you will not have to carry it forever as you are doing now. The release of this worry will set you free to enjoy your role in her upbringing, having faith that your good deeds will be rewarded.

Regards,

t.

Feper
Community Member

Hi, yes, she is aware I’m not her biological father, and she repeats to me often that I am not her step, I am her dad. It’s a irrational fear I have in regards to losing her.

I feel it comes from those years when she was younger and the fact that I could have lost her at any time at the bequest of her mum. I did whatever it took to keep her.

i can’t stop these worries though.

tranzcrybe
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Feper,

That sounds very reassuring (and quite inspirational). I am touched to hear that you are her dad and she will always be your daughter. It sounds like you fought quite a battle to obtain guardianship. As an adult, nobody has 'claim' over her now and I hope you feel nothing but pride in your struggles and ultimate achievements.

All the best,

t.

Indeed, what a beautiful relationship

There is positives of fear. Fear is a protective mechanism ...fear of loss from often manipulation.

Can you separate fear and worry? Likely not.

Once I read about my narcissistic mother by googling

Witch queen waif hermit

She was the ultimate manipulator. I had fear of losing my father to her lies and directions to him.

I know how you feel.

Have you ever thought of adopting her?

TonyWK