Struggling after a manipulative relationship

[Baya]

I'm struggling to know why I'm finding a break up so difficult. Especially when I was the one who ended the relationship.

Everyone I talk to tell me my ex was manipulative. And I know I want to beleive that was the case. But a big part of me worries I was too pushy with too many expectations.

I'm a single mum. And he was my first serious partner in years and I've been abused by my child's father for years. He said he fought for me even though I'm a mum who is harder to get time with. We got pregnant and aborted I think I am still grieving the loss of the family we almost had and doubt comes into my mind that it was ME who was the problem and that I was depressed and crazy when he met me.

I am feeling absolutely crazy now that I can't just move on. We dated only 6 months but he texted and saw me still for 18 months. Even though he had a new girlfriend but never told me about her. Yet said he missed my kissed but not who I am because I just him so much.

I feel foolish. My ego has been bruised. I feel he got away with it. And then I feel so silly for STILL missing him. Who he was some of the time.

I guess I just want to know what support there is out there for this kind of thing. I just want to tell everyone and be reassured its him not me.

[Baya]

that was supposed say he said he missed my kisses but not who I am cos I Hurt him so much.

[Deckt]

It's not just you.

My partner left me recently. According to her, the issue was not the fact that she is an alcoholic who constantly abused me (physically, verbally, emotionally), or that she was unstable due to her untreated mental illness, or that she cheated on me. It was that I 'spent too much time with my children'.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there 🙂

Breakups are difficult, not matter who initiated them, because there is still a loss. As my psychologist said to me "nothing is ever all bad". And also, as my GP said to me "we tend to put on our rose coloured glasses". Two things that made a lot of sense to me, especially when instead of feeling better as time passed, I seemed to feel worse, and start questioning things, as you are doing.

A couple of things that helped me were to write down the things that were wrong with the relationship, and to focus on me and what I want. That helps to give a more balanced focus. If you read a bit about loss, it's not static, you go through different phases.

Take care. Katy

[Baya]

I'm sorry to hear this. Similarly my ex was an alcoholic too and also seemed to turn every issue I had into me not giving him what he needed too and said I was just over thinking. It's hardest not to let their words stay in your head. Small criticisms...how I didn't talk things through like an adult (even when that's what I was doing and he just shoot and watched me cry) or saying I'm boring in bed. Or tell me he had porn on his phone of his ex. Or say he got me a holiday for Xmas and the next day laugh and say "you didn't beleive I could pay for us did you". Yet this was already after I had already tired to leave so many times and he convinced me it was cos of me leaving he could never fully commit and open up. So I start going on this loop that if I had just been stronger I could have been there for him and I must have been truely crazy to have been as sad as I have been.

Nothing worse than feeling you are meantto choose between them and your kids. I can relate to that one.

[Baya]

Thank you Katy. I did have a list of things I recorded during the relationship. I honestly haven't had a healthy relationship to compare it to. But I am sure this kind of conflict is not normal.

But yes there were amazing moments that kept me so addicted to him. It was intense the feeling of withdrawal.

I guess I just keep trying to find a counsellor who is willing to unpack this for me. I feel it's deeper than just him