Still so angry

kryssie85 · ‎10-12-2015

Hi guys,

i separated from my partner in Feb. I think I started my downward spiral when I went back to work doing night shifts when my youngest, now 2, was 6 months old. I found it hard to cope and my partner was unsupportive. He was always down about his job and I tried hard to support and uplift him to no avail. He also started drinking quite heavily and I turned to running and exercise to cope. I first was diagnosed with anxiety and depression a year ago. I'd lie in bed and cry just wanting him to confort me but he didn't. I decided that I couldn't handle his lack of support and left.

1 year on and I've met a beautiful supportive man and it's made me angry with my ex because he made me feel like I was too hard. He now has a new girlfriend and wine and dines her and buys her flowers. Why couldn't he look after the mother of his kids when she needed him?

Also, I agreed to 50-50 custody for our children but leaving them with him rips me apart. I also need to move 35 minutes away for work and family support but my ex keeps guilt tripping me against moving, saying its not fair on the kids and I just want to take them away from him. I'm so hurt and just want to support my children and have the support of my family and counsellor close by, as I'm very isolated at the moment.

im just ranting but any suggestions are welcome!

white knight · ‎10-12-2015

Hi kryssie, welcome.

You're a mum and an adult. Therefore you are old enough to take any advice coming good or bad.

Your ex partner is giving flowers and other things to his new lady in his life. He is entitled to a happy life and he is no longer bound to you....he is a free man. He is doing nothing wrong at all according to your post. He has lost his full time fatherhood the day you left. He has gone through sadness and rebuilding his life as you have.

You believe in a 50/50 custody/sharing arrangement with him with the kids. Yet moving away wont allow this to continue...in effect you would be withdrawing that arrangement yourself. I don't know if that is fair but if I was him I'd be upset about it and the kids- they wouldn't have a say in your decision.

You said " I just want to take them away from him". sorry but this seem rather harsh- very harsh. You haven't provided any reason to take away his children from him in your post apart from jealousy and jealousy isn't a reason to deprive your kids from their father.

Your ex partner is a dad. Dads are just as much a parent than the mother. Mothers have no valid reason to believe they are above the father (superior) in any way. Also his children have a right to their dad, as much as you can provide them to him.

You say you want to move to be closer to your family and a councillor yet you admit you want to take them away from him. It doesn't make sense.

There is a self centred focus element in your post that worries me. You left him but you don't want him to seek happiness.

Please put the children first and the father of your children as an important person in your childrens lives. If you took the attitude that you can try to be friends with him then negotiations will be easier to do and at the end of the day its what's best for your children that matters more than anyone elses wants

Tony WK

kryssie85 · ‎11-12-2015

No no no... I don't want to take the children away from him. He said that one not me. I want to be able to negotiate with him so we can all move forward. I definitely believe kids need both parents

kryssie85 · ‎11-12-2015

What I didn't mention in my above post is there was a history of abuse and I left after much counselling, attempts to fix the relationship and because I believed that our relationship was unhealthy, especially to our children. It was not a light decision. And yes I am jealous, as I am the mother of his children and he couldn't care less about me when we were together and my struggles.

Danny_Dolphin · ‎11-12-2015

Good Morning Kryssie

I guess you are between a rock and a hard place with your maternal instincts screaming at you why did it go wrong and what should I do?. The anger is really because you can't or won't accept your situation and it is important for you to you move on with your life otherwise the anger will eat away at you and cause you more problems with your present partner and maybe even also your kids. That is what you have to do, accept what is an move on. You are now two different families now with children as a common bond and it sounds as if you have found what you needed all along a caring partner. My parents separated when I was around 12 years of age and my father could never accept it, every time we met he used to say how bad my mum had been and he would unload all his frustrations on me and I became a very young counselor letting him continually complain. My mum did the same thing at home often causing arguments so it wasn't too long before I left home as I had to make a new start myself, in effect they drove me away. I know you probably don't let your children become part of an unhappy no mans land but children can sense things and for them the person who shows the most support will be the ones they value most and they wont cast blame on you if you have to move further away, children are smarter than that. Even if you see them less you can have more quality time when you do.

Also I do not know the distances involved in your work travel but could it possibly be your feelings are at such a high you can't stand to be near the previous family home and you yearn to make a new start further away, that may be part of the anger.

Work things out in a practical measured way, if you have to move further away see if you can have the children longer at holiday times, let go of bad memories past and hold dear the good ones. Time is the great healer, concentrate more on having a happy life for the future that what I would build on.

Carmela · ‎11-12-2015

Hi Kryssie, you have received some great advice thus far. I would like to add that it is important that you reclaim your life and therefore your happiness. You are solely responsible for this. I can understand the circumstances of the relationship still hurt but you need to move forward and embrace the new. Focusing on the past and what could have been will only bring you more pain and remorse.

I hope you are still seeing a counsellor. If you are it might be useful to ask for advice on moving forward strategies after a broken relationship with particular focus on shared custody of the children. I wish you happiness for the future.

white knight · ‎11-12-2015

Hi Kryssie

Well that changes things eh. Critical information left out really changes the whole aspect of your post. Never mind. It happens.

The advice you have received has been great. And they are correct. You need to move on from this old relationship and slowly as you communicate more with your ex over the kids, try to improve your conversations with him for the sake of the kids. Also the abuse you received form him during your marriage, try to leave it in the past where it belongs.

I was abused for 11 years during my first marriage. Our kids were 7 and 4yo. They are adults now. For 14 years I tried and tried to be pleasant to her, paid all child support on time and extras like clothes and private school fees. Yet she kept her grudge going to the point when, as the youngest turned 18yo I wrote a short letter in a nice tone and told her basically that I don't want contact from her again. This was mainly due to my emotional and mental conditions and when she'd ring me while I was at work she'd upset me to the point when I'd leave work and go home. She was simply a nasty person.

But until then I'd encourage you to move on. Holding onto jealousy and other fresh feelings isn't doing you any good. And quite often when the opportunity arises when couples reunite, only then does the experiences return that made you leave in the first place. Only then do the memories return of how unhappy you were. But that doesn't mean he wont find happiness with someone else. Not that you are inferior, its just that other people are "different". And those flowers and attention he is giving to his new love ...you don't know how long that will last.

Jealousy like worry is unproductive.

Tony WK

pipsy · ‎11-12-2015

Hi kryssie. What I'm hearing, correct me if I'm wrong. You wanted (with your ex) what you now have with your new partner. Obviously you and your ex weren't suited, bottom line. His new partner obviously fits his criteria (what he wanted in you). I think you should try and work out a suitable arrangement with ex in regards to your children, I don't think you should move if that makes sharing custody difficult. Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions regarding children. They HAVE to come first. If you have parents who need help, this can be arranged through agencies. Once your children are old enough to make their own decisions about seeing you and their dad, then you can move away (if you want to). If you keep making problems regarding children and ex, you could lose your new man too. He won't want to 'buy into' an awkward situation that can be solved by you and ex agreeing about children. Does your new partner get on with children, is your ex making waves about him with children.

I basically agree with what everyone else has said. Sorry if that hurts.