Starting the new year on a heartbreak.

[C_McCleod86]

I am 19 turning 20 in July and I'm starting the year off right. Miserable and heartbroken. I met this girl via a mutual acquaintance and we didn't really hit it off until t around November. We didn't really talk because she had a boyfriend at the time and I was respectful of her relationship and didn't want to come between that. Anyways she texted me at the start of December, and through December to January, We were talking a lot and I even went around to her place to watch some movies. We didn't do anything because I didn't want to pressure her into anything that she didn't want to do (except watch Star Wars, which she enjoyed ) And we even went to go see a movie in cinemas together. Anyways around New Year's she decided that she was not emotionally available for me and that she didn't want to see me anymore. This particularly hurt because of how much we had in common and I felt like I had finally found someone who didn't shame me for the nerdy crap that I like. I told her that it was fine that she didn't want to be romantic but she did want to still be friends, which for some reason I thought was a good idea. Anyways, we were talking and I suggested that we both refrain from watching a movie until we were both in the same room, preferably through our mutual acquaintance but she said that it wasn't a good idea. She then went on a tirade about how she didn't want to be rude but she had no interest in being with me at the present moment despite me being completely respectful of her wishes and desires it was at this moment. I decided that I could no longer be in contact with her because I would continue to get my hopes up about a potential future but I have been miserable ever since. My work days drag on, I have trouble sleeping and my appetite seems to be non existent. I feel like I've rushed this and left out important details so if there's any confusion and you want me to elaborate I'm more than happy to. I just wanted to know if there were any tricks to help me focus on something else. I've been working out 5 days a week I've read two books in the last month and I've started playing guitar and piano, but when I go to bed at night all I can do is think about her and how maybe I could have done anything different.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You have painted the picture quite well.

In one word- time. These upsets and questioning yourself is all quite normal especially when you have your hopes up and you have done all the right things and it appears to me you have. New relationships are a mine field, through poor communication (common in the early days) one party or both havent got to know each other well at all so they hold back and that means you have no idea what they want.

A good example of that was when I was in the Air Force as a young guy, I dated what was then imo the most beautiful girl in the world. Same as you I didnt make any romantic moves on her at all and we dated 4 times. Then a colleague dated her without me knowing and on their first date they slept together. So I assume she moved on from me because I didnt make such moves. So what was the message I got from that? - well initially I felt let down through me respecting her dignity and taking things slow but after a while I realised- do I really want to be with a girl that sleeps around so easily? c the answer is no.

The saying goes- "the world is your oyster". Meaning there is so many potential partners out there, the sooner you date again the better, that and hobbies or sports will distract you.

Dating can be a cruel harrowing experience. When assessing your dates try to be logical and less emotional with the process of assessing your compatibility. I eventually realised that the ideal potential partner is one that displays happiness when in your company, rings you to enjoy talking to you and appreciates you for the person you are. If that isnt happening then move on, keep looking.

"You dont have to do anything wrong for someone to not feel the vibes"

TonyWK

[C_McCleod86]

Thanks for the kind words. 

It just sucks because we were in constant communication, over text and phone calls. I was excited every time she would text, and even more so when she would call. I did want to point out we were pretty open about what we wanted, and I was understanding that she didn't want to date again immediately, because her last bf was pretty crappy. I didn't want to put labels on anything, because that would've put pressure on her, which was the last thing I wanted to do. 

I've tried dating again. I got tinder and Hinge, and deleted them almost immediately, because I'm not interested in the one time thing. I'm not unattractive by any means, but nothing to rave about. All my close mates don't have much experience with this stuff, and it's hard to find people who know about this. 

I appreciate you reaching out, It's refreshing hearing from someone with similar experience. I know I'm young, but I have no interest in the partying scene. The most partying I'll do is go to a uni bar. I've been pretty lost, and I find myself sitting in my room a lot more often, either reading or writing music. 

[C_McCleod86]

Well follow up. I feel like an idiot. I realised today that she blocked me, and I feel cheated. I don't know what I was expecting. Obviously I know she doesn't owe me closure, but it would be nice. I feel like the last 6 months have been a waste of my time. I'm trying to move on, but far out it's not happening. Like I know she texted me first, so obviously that is where I bear some ill will, because I was an idiot for responding to the damn text. I'm depressed as hell. I feel bad about my mate, because he's caught in the crossfire. I've gone to a couple  of sources, and they've both been pretty neglectful of how I'm feeling, telling me to just move on. Easier said than done. All I know for sure is that I'm done with her. If she ever comes around to the idea of me as a partner and acts upon it, I don't think I can put myself through that pain again. Safe to say I'm avoiding women for the time being. What irks me about this whole thing is that I didn't start it. I feel played, which probably isn't what she meant to do, but what she meant to do and what she did can be 2 different things I guess. 

[Mr_Worry]

Sorry you are going through all of this.  'Moving on' is far easier said than done, it does hurt, it can hurt for a long time, and encouragement that things will get better eventually are slim consolation.  Sounds like you tried to do everything right and be very respectful about her boundaries and where she was at different times....and got a pretty bad reward for it all. I think you're right in keeping your distance and moving on.

If you're studying or working really focus on that for the time being is all I can suggest, but I will also say this, for being 19 coming on 20 you have really good insight into the situation you've found yourself in, that's a great advantage, that you get she may not have intended to play you shows a lot of empathy despite the hurt your feeling which is a great quality that girls will appreciate and will help you get through the challenges that inevitably come as you get more in depth with a relationship, so something to feel proud about. 

Until then it's gonna be tough for a while, you might be up sometimes, then back down an hour later, no getting around that, but knowing that can and will happen and to expect it, might help. Focus on taking care of yourself in every other aspect of your life for the moment mate.

PS Highlander is a great movie C_McCleod!😉

[C_McCleod86]

Been a couple months. I'm coming up on I think month 9, and am now 20. 

Thanks for your words. I've started to see a therapist, and it's been one of the best things I've done. I had a rough patch in the week coming up to my birthday, where I found myself crying on the floor of my bathroom, and had to be consoled by my Nan and older sister. Definitely my lowest point. I've been better since, but I still have those nights coming home on the train where i just start crying. 

It's a very non-linear journey this whole breakup thing, despite us never being together officially. My mum and one of my closest mates has probably been the only thing stopping me from going full blown mental. Since feb, I found out she got back with her a-hole of an ex (her words not mine) and I've been having frequent and sometimes unbearable panic attacks, like to the point it hurts to breathe. I've done the blood tests, had the scans, and it's nothing physically medical, which is good I think.

I did send her a text on My birthday, because I told myself I would do it months ago, and was told by some people that I needed to be a bit more selfish in my thinking, and that I can't keep protecting her from my emotions, when she essentially blew us up due to hers. 

The text went

"Hey. It's my birthday today. 6 months a go I told myself that I'd give you some space until today to ask if you wanted to give me another go. Probably pointless now that you're back with your ex, but it's not about asking you out anymore. More about just checking in. Seeing how you were. I also know you've blocked me, so you probably will never see this, unless I'm an afterthought in some distant conversation. But in the off chance you open this message in a month or two, I hope you're doing okay and I'll see if you reach out or not."

I get it might not have been the wisest thing to do, but I have definitely reached the point where I've been convinced my feelings should be known. 

You're appreciation for the movie Highlander is also noted and much appreciated

[Guest_9989]

I’m really sorry you’re going through this—it’s tough when someone you care about doesn’t feel the same way, especially when you’ve put yourself out there and been respectful of their boundaries.

It’s great that you’re staying active and trying new things like working out, reading, and learning instruments.

These are all healthy ways to cope and distract yourself. Here are a few more tips that might help:

1. Give Yourself Time: Healing takes time. It’s normal to feel this way after a breakup or when someone you liked isn’t available. Allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment.

2. Stay Busy: Continue with activities that you enjoy or find new hobbies. Keeping yourself occupied can help shift your focus away from thinking about her.

3. Talk It Out: Sometimes, sharing your feelings with a friend or counselor can help you process your emotions and get a new perspective.

4. Establish a Routine: Creating a daily routine can provide structure and help you manage your thoughts, especially before bed. Try to include relaxing activities before sleep to improve your rest.

5. Practice Mindfulness: Techniques like meditation or deep breathing can help calm your mind and reduce anxiety about the situation.

Remember, it’s okay to grieve and take time for yourself. You’re doing a lot of good things already, and with time, it’ll get easier.

[C_McCleod86]

I am working through it. Thankfully not alone. I do kind of wish 9 months was long enough, but I don't think I'll move on fully for a long while now. You'll be happy to know I am quite busy, as I have work and Uni next year, so I'm going to be hectic. I do have some people who give a crap about me, and we're going for drinks this Thursday night. Unfortunately, meditation doesn't really work for me, but I have stopped drinking coffee and energy drinks, which I feel has helped reduce the frequency of my Panic attacks. You're help has been appreciated