Starting again after 30

[LLC]

Hello,

My partner (30, F) and I (31, M) recently separated after almost 6 years together.  The relationship was difficult for both of us, particularly within the last 18 months, due to our respective mental health issues. I have suffered most of my life from anxiety and depression, while she has lived with a more complex condition involving trauma, eating disorders and self harm. 

I’m feeling pretty devastated at the moment, and have been struggling to cope day to day despite having the support of my family. I also have an appointment booked with my psychologist next week, though that feels unbearably far away at the moment. 

On some level, I recognise that the pain, sadness and fear I’m feeling will likely dull with the passing of time — this has been the case with previous relationships that have ended — but this time around, I’m struggling to know where or how to find that hope of starting again. I’m over 30, yet no more secure financially or professionally than I was when the relationship began. I feel as if my peers have either moved on or settled down to start families, while I’m effectively back to square one. And I have this overwhelming sense of failure, as though the relationship was one of the few things that made me a proper, functioning adult. 

Is my life at a dead end? Am I too old to be trying to get my life back on track? Will I ever have the chance of having another relationship? 

Perhaps those are silly or unhelpful questions, or there isn’t enough information about my circumstances to answer them properly. But they are in my head a lot at the moment, and I feel desperate for some sense of hope or perspective. which reading these forums has given me in the past. 

Thanks,

L.

[white knight]

Hi L, welcome back,

Invariably, people experiencing what you are now will feel similar so I'm suggesting your reflections are normal.

So I've had 4 long term relationships  of duration (years) 7,11,10,11 (current) and of those I was (age) at breakup - 28,40,50.

I had my 2 daughter at ages 32 and 36. So in reference to your feelings of aging, missing the boat, friends having families etc, I urge you to reduce this panicking/catastrophising. Time as you've mentioned will heal and life can be rewarding and full of surprises.  Eg

My kids were 7 and 4yo at separation, at 12yo my eldest came to live with me, at 21yo she was told I was to marry my best friend who was in fact her ex auntie by marriage. She severed her relationship with her birth mum years earlier, eventually my wife became "mum".

Life can be wonderful. Solid 1,2,5 and 10 year goals will be rewarding if worked at.

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Beyondblue the best praise you'll ever get

TonyWK 

[ecomama]

Hey LLC, welcome back to the forums. I'm glad to hear that being here previously gave you some hope and direction before. Maybe they can again. 

Your questions aren't silly because that's how you feel or felt at the time of writing. 

I'm sorry your relationship was so stressful that it had to end for each of you. 
You're dealing with heart break and lost dreams right now, please be kind to yourself now and forever. 

I felt done at 50yo when that last marriage ended and I was devastated in so many ways.. then years and years through Courts sucked that part of my life right AWAY! 

Then I met a man who is better than my dream man all these years. I literally wrote a LIST of traits I wanted in my next partner, never believing I would HAVE another partner for the rest of my life and being totally FINE with that, I was so angry, betrayed etc etc.

 
I wasn't looking, he just appeared. 
What I WAS doing was MOUNTAINS of self-care. 
Also working out my current mess of a situation fervently. 

I was driven to make the very best of my life regardless of the mess I was in. 

One step at a time. 
No point in comparisons with others. 
Relieve yourself of any guilt or ruminating over this by planning YOUR wonderful life and writing a list might help lol! 

You have choices to write your own goals and step by step work towards them. 

Hope you pop back in and let us know how you're doing? 
Love EM

[LLC]

Hi Ecomama and white knight,

Thank you both for your replies, I appreciate you sharing your experiences and it does help to know other people have gone through similar things at different stages of their lives. I realise that it might be odd to think of 30 as some kind of "point of no return", but it can be hard not to feel the pressure of social expectations for what you are supposed to have by a given age. That's something I have felt many times prior to this point, so I would like to keep interrogating it with my psychologist beyond just dealing with the end of this relationship. Writing lists is also a good suggestion, and something I've been trying in a small way to do over the last few days — along with writing down my thoughts and feelings each day. At the very least, it helps to externalise things that would otherwise be roiling inside my head. 

Thanks again,

L. 

[ecomama]

Hi again L, you have a very wise head on your shoulders. 

It's wise to HAVE a therapist. It's wise to know what to bring up in your sessions. It's wise to journal your thoughts so they're down on paper and not rolling around arguing with themselves in your head lol. 

You're doing great. 

It's awesome that you're pinpointing a MAJOR issue for you that so many people also struggle with. 
Comparisons. 

I liken "comparisons" to "hate" possibly even "worry". 
You can do all these things but they only EAT YOU UP. They don't bring anything USEFUL to your life AT ALL. 
Nothing.
Zip zilch nada. 

I know that when we're trying to change our behaviours which begins with our thoughts.. we need to replace these habits or patterns of thoughts with something USEFUL for us. 

In my early 20s wow, I was in a mess. Homeless, single parent, without a job (I had a career but no job). 
I never wanted to compare myself with others because HOW CAN YOU? 

You can't. 
I replaced any thoughts moving towards those above with: 
* ADMIRATION for the people who seemed to have what I wanted being LOVE, great career, stable home etc. I got close to people who had what I didn't have. I observed them with open eyes and an open heart. 
I changed EVERYTHING in my life from there. 
* Personal goals - doing what you're doing, seeking truth for myself. 
* Professional goals - yeah I ended up working for the Federal Govt of all places lol. 

I could list SO MANY helpful authors who became my mentors on life. 
If you want a list, I'll share. 

Onwards and UPwards L, well done you! 
Love EM

[white knight]

Hi L,

Ecomama is so accurate - you are doing well.

I was 29yo when I got married to my 1st wife, she 19. Them days 29yo was late, and yes all my friends were having children. I came off a 7 year relationship (the one I met at the shops previously mentioned) and was certainly desperate to marry and please my parents. Big mistake and I paid for it. I married the wrong person! It lasted 11 years, 2 kids and tolerated narcissistic abuse in all that time... in fact it led me to my only suicide attempt before I left her. In reflection (I left her in 1996) I would have far preferred to remain single had my time again.

I have a thread below. If you could just read the first post it could be helpful.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

Thankyou for being here. Readers do digest these stories and help themselves so your post is never in vain.

TonyWK