Sorry for all my posting. I think I'm going to have to try harder and dig deep for acceptance.

[Sharny]

Hi to you lovely people on the forum,

I feel the need to apologise for my posting. After years of keeping a lid on it and just ploughing forward and not sharing I've reached out here for all the 'add ons'. One of the things I've struggled with is that it comes from a regret I have, not sharing with my own mother when she was here with us. I lost mum when the children were little, my son had just turned 5 and my little girl was almost 2. I was at a vulnerable time I guess 4 years after first receiving my diagnosis after the large storm. My mother was so ill with life threatening secondary cancer and I wanted her to enjoy the children. I suspect when she came over with food and helped with my washing etc that she might of known something was wrong although I was pretty good at hiding. She knew I couldnt leave the house apart from medical visits for my child. When she asked how things were I talked loudly and urgently and she did enquire if I was having racing thoughts but I said no. I regret not telling her my state of being later. I regret not being able to share the details with her but do think to this day her instincts might of known and she was keeping an eye on me. My sibling has the same diagnosis and she was aware of that. His condition is much worse than mine, my mother had felt immense guilt at his condition and I never wanted to burden her with the knowledge of mine once diagnosed. All I ever wanted her to see was me coping, so I hid my condition and suffered inside. When mum passed my husband thought I'd go backwards in terms of my coping with mental illness but it didnt.

In short, she passed not knowing. It would of been very easy to disclose now that I'm doing better but at the time with her in the middle of oncologist appointments and what she was facing absolutely no. I protected her from it but I live today knowing that I believe perhaps she might of known. The thing is we can cover up, its not always obvious. I would lie to her when she asked how much sleep I was getting etc, I believed if the house was impeccable and everything in order no one would know. People can suffer dramatically inside but from the outside it can appear normal. She did enquire though why I wore the same tracksuit for days on end but insisted that my little boy had a new suit after each feed. So, I live with regret in not sharing, another 'add on'. All I can do now is know that I did my best.

Thank you for listening to my inner thoughts.

[Nonny]

Hi Sharny,

I love your honesty and spirit. Your mum sounds like an absolute gem, much like her daughter I suspect. Bless your cotton socks you're still doing all the right things for everyone, which is adorable. Your mum would be so very proud of you, but would want you to take very good care of yourself too. Your gorgeous babies and husband need you to be a mum, a partner and well looked after, so don't forget you!

x

[Sharny]

Thank you, I would like to think I got my mothers wisdom. I think deep down she knew more than I thought but chose to be gentle with her approach toward me.

[Sharny]

Hi Carol, the family and I are doing relatively well despite the shifts in my mood with the illness. My illness is better managed these days thanks. I do suffer from a lot of extra burden of thoughts feeling guilty just for having the illness. I'm striving to accept the illness and have come a long way but there is still work to be done.

Do you mind if I ask, how have you coped with the loss of your dear mother?