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So close yet so far

Community Member

My husband always go home from work and sometimes he got 2 weeks off from but I can't feel his presence because we don't eat together,we don't sleep together same bed but different sleeping time he slept after lunch up to 7 in the evening and my sleeping time is 8pm he would go back to bed maybe 12 midnight i'm not sure because I already sound asleep I haven't experience cuddles before going to sleep we can only have sex when I followed him to bed on his afternoon sleep but sometimes he will refuse if I will hug him because he said his tummy was full and I will feel neglected plus I'm the one who will always drive when we are having sex he will just lay in bed and just let me do all the things until I get pregnant still the same I always do the first move and he is like dead lying down I felt embarassed of myself and felt he doesn't love me until the baby came out so I am too busy with the baby and gets tired all the time and got no time to follow him to bed when he will have his afternoon sleep because I need to look after our baby and our marriage become sexless now for 9 months I' m still 34 and he is 54. And all I have to do is look after our baby and household chores and his routine is work watch tv drink smoke and sleep . I felt so alone and neglected plus I don't have a job so I don't have any money.

Questions is that because of his age that's why he is not interested in sex anymore or he doesn't love me? How can you leave a husband like this when you got no job and with 2 children one is 10 year old and the other is 9 months hard to live in the relationship where you felt unwanted but can't survive on your own when you leave.Please I need some advice.

8 Replies 8

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hey Dayon

Welcome to the forums. I'm really glad you came here to share.
Sorry for the reasons you came.

I wanted to suggest you contact Centrelink and ask how to apply for Family Payments.
These payments SHOULD be going into your bank account and it's money for the children.
Can you do this if you haven't done so already?

Also if you HAVE done this, but your husband is keeping all the money, see Centrelink and ask them to redirect the money to YOUR account.

You can also ask Centrelink for their Social Worker to call you.

I don't know whether this is true but you could be experiencing "Financial Abuse" which is a part of domestic violence. You need to share the situation with a qualified professional to work this out.

I don't know if your H loves you or not.
He sounds extremely disinterested though.

There are other numbers you can call to get help for your situation and for yourself, if you come back and share more, maybe we can support you in those directions.

Firstly though, have you asked your husband how he feels?
You could suggest you both see a marriage Counsellor together.

Yes indeed some men have problems with sex at this age.
Especially if they drink alot of alcohol.
Not sure if that's the problem with him.

But getting help for you is important.

Congratulations on your baby!
I hope you find lots of joy in your days with your baby and 10yo.

Love EM

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Dayon, and a warm welcome to the site.

EM has given you some great advice as she usually does, but you have to ask yourself is this really a marriage and what you had ever wished for, I can't answer that for you, but by what you've said it's disappointing for you.

Centrelink can provide the bond money as well as two weeks rent, which you slowly pay off over a period, all you need is a couple of references to notify the real estate that you can be trusted and have a decent record, perhaps your doctor, pharmacist or someone from the baby centre who has qualifications.

Op shops can provide furniture but can I also suggest that Anglicare also provide furniture flats/houses you can stay in for a length of time, they also have counselling.

In Vic you can ring 1800 825 955 (free call, 24 hours) for crisis and emergency or search for 'Housing.vic.gov.au'.

If you do decide to go ahead with this there are other options to help you with food as well as other services.

Please get back to us.


Community Member

Thank you for your reply, yes we already applied centrelink and it's my husband keeping it I used to see before the letter from centrelink of how much paid he gets each fornite but i didn't ask him about it because he didn't know that I read the letter.Many times I upset with him before and tried to walk away but can't go anywhere because I don't have any money the reason of that was when he said I should not eat so much so I will not get fat I fill my plate with lots of rice and he came to the table and he put back some to the rice cooker he do the portioning that's why I get so upset because I am so hungry that time and he gave me the food chart and then he goes to bed so my son and I just walk to town and we are 30km away to town lucky somebody saw us and offer us a ride that was 3 years ago but I forgave him coz I loved him and I'm grateful that after being a single mum for long somebody accepted me and my son and that was him I said to myself I'm still lucky because he feeds us we had many fights but I always forgave him and today I'm sleeping in separate room because I was upset with him because he blames us for not taking out the chicken egg from the chair where he used to sit when he's having his drink after work the chicken always lay egg there and he knows it but that day I forget to tell my son to collect it and put in the fridge and he was so cranky and he swears i'm not sure if the swearing is for me because he didn't direct it to me and he went to the laundry to soak her robe and he slam the door that's why i did not talk to him for 3 days now but he ask me this morning if we still taking our baby to swimming and i said yes and we talk but when we get home he goes to sleep I tried to hug him because I'm not upset anymore but he ignores me.I will feel pity to him all the time when he ask sorry and we're ok again but this time he didn't so i just do the first move to let him know that I'm not upset anymore.

Community Member
Thank you for your reply yes I'm always questioning myself If I should let myself to stay in this marriage but I don't know what to do I don't want my baby girl to experience growing up without a father because I've already experience how painful it is when my son before was being bullied because he has no father his father abandoned him when I was 1 month pregnant with him as a mother it really breaks your heart when your baby jealous to every kid they see at school being pick up by their father plus his mother is really good to me but she was far away so she didn't know and i didn't told anything about our fights

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Dayon, I know what you're saying and understand the circumstances you're in but concerned that you need to look after yourself because I know that we can not predict what tomorrow holds, I certainly can't.

Best wishes.


Community Member
Thank you Jeoff I understand your point and I was thinking whole night how to start and worried too much if he gets violent when he knew that I want to break up with him.The thing that also holding me was when I get upset with him and start not talking to him he will be kind in an instant and asking sorry and I will forgive him and thinking maybe it's just me that is so emotional.I'm scared too if what will he gonna do to himself when I leave and too worried if he will hurt us physically.I'm too confused.

Hi Dayon,

Thank you for being so brave and sharing your situation with our community. It sounds really tough - you love your husband and yet it is not the kind of relationship you want and need. What is happening at the moment doesn't sound very healthy and of course would be causing you a lot emotional pain. It sounds like you really need some support, not only for yourself but for your children too.

There are many services out there that can help, we would really encourage you to contact our support line on 1300 22 4636. We can help 24 hours a day, seven days a week with counselling, information and referrals. We would also really encourage you to contact our friends at 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732 - they offer 24/7 support for people in situations of family violence. They can help you to work out your options and refer you to local services that will be able to support you and your children. Please know that you're not alone in what you are going through, keep reaching out and talking about what is happening for you and your family.

Beyond Blue


Community Member
Thank you Sophie I'm so glad that I found this forum and very helpful to me but I felt scared at the same time if I will have enough strength to handle all the circumstances that I will be facing when I leave him keep asking myself if will I be strong enough to see him crying when I leave and I'm sure my baby will missed her daddy too she's excited when her daddy come home from work even if her dad only spent some minutes for her but I can see how happy she is when her dad held her