Sick of Myself

[DefiantPanda]

I am always reacting strongly to things, always burning through friends. I can't seem to change.

Been in therapy many years... Sick of trying so hard and getting nowhere.

Tired. Long term friend has ditched me. Blocked me. Doesn't want anything to do with me.

Keep getting upset at other friends over what most would consider nothing.

I know in my heart I have a right to stand up for myself sometimes, it's just hard to do it in a way that's considered "normal." I feel things so intensely.

I'm so tired of trying. Medication, therapy, meditation. What is left?

I just want to live my life, have a job where I don't get upset at my coworkers and have to leave or get fired, have a romantic relationship, have friends. Be able to play sports and enjoy hobbies with others.

Painful to want these things so badly but always to have them out of reach, or blow up in my face.

Try to join social circles but have people avoid me because they're scared of me or feel they have to walk on eggshells around me.

Just wanting to vent and wonder if anyone else is in my position.

Just get so tired and frustrated.

[therising]

Hi DefiantPanda

It can definitely be challenging living as a serious feeler or sensitive (someone who's sensitive to what they feel). One way of looking at it is 'No one has taught me how to feel or sense, so I'm winging it on my own'. The ability to feel/sense can feel like one heck of a curse at times, until it's mastered to some degree.

I think there are a lot of things we can feel or sense, if we're super sensitive (with a heightened ability). When you can feel or sense tone and words, forms of expression, then you're going to feel or sense what people say to you and perhaps even sense their emotions. When you can feel or sense through your belief systems, ways of thinking, inner dialogue, imagination etc that's another set of challenges. When you can feel or sense through different facets or aspects of yourself that go toward making up the whole of who you are, that's another set of challenges. For example, if you're completely tapped into your intolerant sense of self, that just won't tolerate nonsense from people, you'll have a radar for what feels like intolerable nonsense, in your opinion. On the other hand, if you're channeling or tapped into the carefree part of yourself, just about everything will feel like water off a duck's back (it just doesn't impact you in any way, sliding right off). There's an enormous list of things we can feel or sense through, so I won't go on with such a list. We'd be here all day. Being able to sense a good part of it through your own nervous system tends to add to the challenge. Considering we're partly comprised of chemical energy, that's also something to consider (being able to feel varying levels of dopamine, cortisol etc).

Having once heard 'emotion' defined as 'energy in motion that we can feel' (aka 'e-motion'), I thought 'Well that makes sense'. The question then becomes 'What would I call this particular energy in motion that I can feel or sense?'. This feels like 'Anger' or 'Extreme frustration' or this feels like 'Me twisting in the wind with no sense of direction' (feeling 'completely lost') or this feels like 'Pure joy' or 'Complete excitement or elation' and so on. Developing a reference or kind of dictionary where each emotion is well defined can help in the way of developing emotional consciousness. Then, taking it up a level, you could say 'I'm beginning to sense what I feel as being anger. I need to question the trigger and my relationship with it. Hang on a sec, I'll just dial the anger down while I analyse it'. You could call this 'emotional management in favour of pure analysis'. Emotion has a volume dial. How to work the dial, either up or down, or how to completely emotionally switch off is something worth mastering. Can be good for our nervous system too and other energy systems in the body (muscular, endocrine, vascular etc).

Emotion and our ability to feel/sense can be incredibly complex. While it can involve the body (biology, chemistry and physical energy systems), the mind (psychology and things along those lines) and what's perfectly natural or what's in our nature (our ability to feel), trying to make sense of it all and master it would take more than a lifetime. This is partly why specialists exist in every area. No one person can know everything. I have to say, it's a fascinating rabbit hole to explore. Sometimes there's no need to gain a greater level of self understanding until the need arises. Such a need can eventually be felt.