Should we stay friends?

[snappdragon]

I've been friends with someone for about a year now, and while it started off really well, but the longer we know each other, the more problems I'm having with them.

Firstly, I've found out my friend has some insecurity issues that never used to affect me but now do. I guess in order to feel valid, they always feel the need to brag or prove how great they are at everything they do. I didn't really mind at first because that's just how they are, and it didn't affect me. But in the past few months they've began to compete with me about things to prove they are "the best at it" and I've started to hate talking to them or telling them things because they make me feel inferior all the time.

For example they harass me about how I pronounce words, how they can find better bargains then me, how they're better at games then me, and more. It's like everything is a competition, and if I do happen to be better at something then them, then they make out that that thing apparently sucks and they didn't like it anyway.

I tried to tell them gently that it was affecting me, and they apologized, but I don't think it got through. Now it's like they brag and then add "not that I'm saying you're not good too" and it feels like a backhand compliment.

They've also been making small remarks about things they don't like about me, as if trying to manipulate me in to changing. They bring up my weight and how I dress a lot, as if they have a problem with it.

I tried to confront them on that too, and they said they did think I was pretty and that my weight doesn't bother them. But it's obvious it does.

I usually do enjoy talking to them, and used to feel like I could tell them anything. But now it's like, they judge me a lot and compete with me, and I don't feel comfortable around them anymore.

I also admit, I'm really lonely, so as bad as it sounds, I'm scared to lose them. And while I want to tell them more bluntly that I don't like what they are doing, I'm scared it'll ruin our friendship.

I guess I just wish things went back to how they used to be when we could talk about stuff and they didn't put me down in the process.

[Croix]

Dear Snappdragon~

Coming here and listening to other peoples' views and seeking advice strikes me as mature and very sensible. You are dealing with something that means a great deal to you - so caution and forethought are exactly right.

Having a talk to them might help, though you did say you'd mentioned this before. The trouble is that if they cannot see the big picture - or don't care - then giving specific instances will not be that much use.

You can say "Stop going on about the op-shop because I don't have your opportunities and your talk makes me feel bad". If the next conversion is equally distressing but about something else then you really are no further forward.

I guess what it boils down to is that it is going to take everyone to make things better, you can say you are unhappy with things, they have to then try and make you happier by always being mindful of your needs.

I really hope if you decide to have another talk with them it does fix things. If it does not please see it is not a lack in you - it is them.

Croix

[snappdragon]

I wanted to let you all know that we stopped being friends several weeks ago.
I ended up having a mental breakdown and told them outright that how they talk to me and treat me makes me feel worthless, especially how they bully me about my appearance.

They started off being nice but I didn't respond because I was too distraught, and then I guess out of nervousness, their facade faltered and their words stopped making sense until they were basically admitting all the things they didn't like about me.
I ended the friendship after that.

It's been over a month now. They haven't tried contacting me since, though I did tell them not to. Honestly though, I had hoped for at least a genuine apology, I guess that's not going to happen.

Still, the longer our friendship has been over, the more I realize how abusive they were being to me. In ways I didn't notice until I'd moved on.

Like financial abuse. They always told me how I should be able to afford the things they did, despite me living alone on a pension, while they lived at home with their wealthy parents who paid for everything.
I would try to tell them I couldn't afford the things they had and they'd always say "it's not that expensive" to invalidate me, or infer I wasn't trying hard enough. Which was unfair to me considering they got virtually whatever they wanted, they didn't have to sacrifice buying food to buy nice clothes like I often have to.

Again, being awful to me about my appearance. Constantly dropping hints I needed to lose weight, that I needed to buy better clothes, that I wasn't as "attractive as their other friends." Sometimes even dropping hints that my health issues bothered them, things I can't control.

Destroying any happiness I had with my interests. Saying how they were better then me, telling me my interests weren't that good, constantly trying to beat me at things that made me happy to prove I was bad at them.
I'm just so angry. I trusted them, but they were manipulating me and bullying me, and I didn't notice how bad!

The good news is I'm not their friend anymore. The bad news is I gotta try and build my confidence again. Even now, I remember all the bad things they said about me and it brings me to tears.

Part of me worries I can't make new friends because they'll think I'm ugly and worthless too. But not everyone is going to be as shallow and manipulative as my old friend was, so I gotta have hope.