Should I cut ties

[HelloGail]

My only child 25 year old daughter hurt me in May 2022 when she told me she wanted me to have boundaries. Limit to calling once per week and no texting. I do not have any social media so I am not in her face so to say but this week she broke her promise to stay and help me after my eye surgery. These two actions by her is obvious to me that she wants to break away from me and I fear the worst that when she eventually marries I won't be invited, these are my fears and worries for our future. Should I break free? Example change my phone number and close all contact off as I fear of being hurt but I am already hurting. I have watched the song Hurt and Hello Darkness My Old Friend songs/videos on YouTube and those two songs are where my head is at and my heart in broken. I have started to actually feel my love for her has died. It feels hopeless. Is there any other parents in similar situation as my self constantly walking on egg shells?

[HelloGail]

My daughter and I never get anywhere when we are trying to discuss our disagreements. It is always my fault. 
In May 2022 she told me we need boundaries: she wants to talk on phone once a week and no texting. I am to write a list during the week of what I have done or want to share something so I can tell her then. I feel like these past many months that I am walking on egg shells. I had eye surgery 5 days ago and she left as I kept waking her up. I was sick from anaesthetic and partially blind during night and needed her to do the eye drops. She left 3 days ago, my eye has 12 stitches, they come out tomorrow. She deserted me in my time of need. I cared for her in February 2022 when I picked her up in Sydney to take her to the hospital to have all 4 wisdom removed and stayed 4 days helping her recuperate then I drove 2 hours back to my home. I feel boxed in with these boundaries. They follow a lot of positive thinking icons, attends their seminars. They seem to be into Mind Control. I just want them to be natural and normal like myself, friendly, amiable natured.

[jaz28]

Hi HelloGail,

I am sorry this has happened, it must be hard. Have you tried asking your daughter why she needs boundaries? Are you asking too much of her? Is she busy? Is there a way you can communicate together that satisfies both of your wants and needs from each other? It is nice for a child to help their parent, but unfortunately, it is not required. She is an adult and can make a choice whether she a)has time to help you and b) has the mental and physical capabilities to do so. Maybe she is struggling herself and does not want to take on too much? These are all things you need to talk about before jumping straight to cutting her off. I know you are hurt by her and want to hurt her back twice as hard, but that is not going to help your relationship at all. My advice would be to ask if she would be open to discussing why this has happened and reaching boundaries that are justifiable and healthy for both of you. 

I hope you reach a solution,

Jaz xx

[Bob_22]

Hi HelloGail,

Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry for what you're going through at the moment. I can't agree with jaz28 enough in reaching out to her to ask her if she is okay or if there's anything going on for her that would make her want to cut ties with you. Regardless, you sound like you're in some pain and I would recommend taking care of yourself as much as you can. Especially after surgery. 

I'm not a parent so I can't fully relate to how you're going but hopefully any parents on the forum will respond. However, I'm in a somewhat limited relationship with my father which I find is still healthy. I found that when he gave me some space that I required and let me make my own decisions my relationship with him actually improved. That is just my perspective though. Regardless, if you wanted to do any reading or talk to someone, https://www.parentline.org.au/ is a good website for parents and carers (although its mainly for parents with kids up to 18 but is still good). Hope that helps some.

Bob

[Christina6006]

Hi HelloGail,

I am sorry you are feeling so terrible right now. It's an awful feeling and is often really overwhelming.

It sounds like you are trying to make a decision on what to do from an emotional place which is never easy and can make our options different to what we would do had we been clear minded. 

I just read a great book that has helped me with my mindset in the midst of depression and anxiety attacks. It is called Loving What Is by Byron Katie. It gives you exactly what to do when you are feeling down and I have found it so useful. I recommend it for sure. I hope you find relief soon and things improve for you. 

[Croix]

Dear HelloGail~

I feel for you, as a parent I've not always got on as well as I would like with my offspring so can understand your feelings.

There are many reasons why a young person may wish to distance themselves from a parent, in fact it is sometimes just a part of becoming an independent person. Other times of course there are other factors.

In this case I'd have to say that failing to stay by you when you had eye surgery seems unkind and the  reason, being woken up, trivial.

All that being said young people can be thoughtless, hasty, overreact or make mistakes and often think better of things later on. (Applies to older persons such as myself too of course:)

You have already had a fair amout of advice from others, wiht the general consensus of asking your  daughter what is making her act this way. While I agree it is a very sensible thing to do it could also have downside if you fall into an argument, as you mention at the start of your post. So the conversation might have be be given some thought in advance so as not to be accusatory or over-demanding.

I don't understand your references here to "they" attending seminars, mind control and so on - is this what your daughter does?

You have talked of changing you phone and cutting you daughter out. Do you think this might be an overreaction to the hurt you are feeling, it does make a pretty definite statement and makes things harder to undo later. Perhaps doing nothing in that area might be best - what to you think?

I would think being a patient and stable example of how to live life may in time allow you daughter to see the real you and wish to return.

At least you have not a complete break, your daughter has left a channel open via a weekly call.  If there  was a possibility if it being an enjoyable call, maybe on other subjects than the realtionship, your daughter might start to look forward to them.

You know you are welcome here anytime to discuss matters

Croix (who really likes "The sounds of Silence", which has opportunities in it, not just gloom)

"I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence"

[Lenscap]

Hi HelloGail,

It can be painful watching your daughter make difficult adult decisions that make it feel that you are not as close as during her childhood. Undoubtedly, she will continue to take her life in the direction she wants, and you may not always see eye to eye with her choices. It is only through her own experience that she will learn to manage the chaos and challenges of our modern world. I'm not convinced you are seeking to cut contact with her, rather it sounds like communication with her is very important for you and something you want to maintain, not lose.

It may be useful for you to reach out to Relationships Australia and chat about managing boundaries, expectations and ways to maintain enjoyable communication with your daughter https://relationships.org.au/.

[HelloGail]

Thank you Jazz. Yes she has been very busy. She came back 4 days later. I was not with it after surgery so we never really spoke much. But when she came back I learned she done a 10 day straight shift and was very stressed. She took me to get my 12 eye stitches out and we are going away for Christmas. Thank you. I am in a better space now. 

[HelloGail]

Thanks for replying Bob. I actually rang Lifeline during this period last week and whilst speaking with them I realised I was actually concerned for her mental health as she is in a high pressured career. Our communication needs improving but I have an Appointment with Relationship Australia in January that I have paid for as it is worth the money as they counselled us in 2018 when we had some issues. Thank you Bob. 

[HelloGail]

I like the sound of the title and will jot it down, Loving What Is. My daughter and I reconciled. I have been resting since op on 12th Dec and had my stitches removed 19th so doc said to remove eye guard on 21st (tomorrow). I guess I fell into a depression losing briefly my independence. But looking forward to seeing Relationship Australia in January 2023. Thank you Christina6006.