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Should be happy but I'm not

Damo4115
Community Member

Hi there my names Damo. I'm 32 married for 7 years with 2 awesome kids.  My wife and I have been together for 15 yrs. I was very young and green when we first got together. She is 9 months older than me. After just getting through the tough changes to  life kids make to yourself and your relationship I now find myself resenting my wife and my life. Don't get me wrong i try to be the best dad i can and put in 110% into it. I have a great relationship with my kids. They respect me and what dad says goes. But it feels like my relationship with my wife hasn't grown with us. It feels more like living with a house mate with the kids being the common denominator. We don't  argue or yell and fight. But we seam to just exist. We do nothing together unless it involves the kids. I am just starting to feel we are just different people. Sex life is non existing and i am over putting in the effort just to be shut down or fallen asleep on. 

Really confused at the moment in two minds about the grass is greener somewhere else. On the other hand i can't imagine not seeing my kids every day. If anyone has some words of wisdom it would really help me through this really crappy time. Cheers Damo

11 Replies 11

Graceeeeee
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey there Damo!

A huge welcome to you for joining the forum, maybe hasn't been the easiest step to take, but you are here and that is awesome!

Anyways, I wanted to give a quick reply as I'm heading out soon, I don't know much about relationships, but I understand what you're saying, it seems the kids are the ones pulling you together, having you considered forgetting about the kids for a weekend/easter holiday and going on a trip with your wife? Just taking some time to yourself, kids are important but you and your wife's relationship is important too, if that doesn't work we'll work out some other ways eventually, there's always a way out, this forum is going to be your net of support!!

Take care Damo, very nice to talk to you!!

With Love,

Grace xx

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Damo, welcome

There are only four alternatives. 1/ Remain how you are 2/ reconnect with your wife 3/ seek the greener pastures 4/ A change is like a holiday 

Reconnect- it isn't a crime to get counselling. You had a close and intimate relation with this woman for many years. Something has gone astray and can often be revitalised regardless if you feel it cant. you'll be amazed what suggestions can do for you both. sometimes the obvious doesn't hit us.

Greener pastures. That could happen. Certainly if your marriage drops to a point whereby there is constant arguing and other disruptions, the sadness and frustration gets really bad, then the home could be seen as a place to avoid for your children. You'll know if its time to move out. You need to get that counselling so that in years to come you'll have no regrets and you can honestly tell your children (they will ask) that you tried everything.

Change- if your wife agrees, then a change is lifestyle could be a possibility. Years go by and life can get boring, routine and you need inspiration. Changes could include- a sea/tree change, change of jobs, Time alone, family holidays (theme parks at surfers paradise?), jet skiing, it all depends on what you believe is lacking in your relationship that could be helped by changes within the family. Its a broad suggestion because it depends on your families individual characters.

Tony WK

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Damo

Welcome and thanks for talking to us. My response is pretty much the same as Tony WK. However I do want to say that something similar happened with me. My husband worked shifts which makes going out more complicated, also child care and ferrying the children to their various activities. So it appeared I only went out to chauffeur the children or go grocery shopping. One of the things that happened was I was invited to join Toastmasters. Mostly I attended because hubby was able to babysit or a friend did the honours.

After a while my husband became interested and he decided to join. We organised babysitters and off we went. This then extended to going to the cinema occasionally. The activities were not out of this world, but they were enjoyable. As the children got older and could be left on their own we went out regularly.

Sadly the marriage did not last because, despite having a social life of our own without children, my husband was a bully and I got fed and left, basically. Perhaps I shouldn't have told you the last bit as it rather spoils the effect I was hoping for. Never mind. The point is, as you have no doubt worked out by now, we actually had time together to talk, outings were cheaper without children, which was an important factor, and I was no longer resentful of being chief cook and bottle washer.

I suggest you and your wife try it. You will probably have a far happier ending than me. Keep us posted.

Mary

Apollo_Black
Community Member

Hi Damo

 You're not alone. I'm no beacon of light in this matter, however what I will say is that you need to make some changes before it ends up killing your marriage. Basically I acted too late as my wife was already checked out of our marriage but it sounds like you can make some positive changes without having to resort to seeking comfort elsewhere if you know what I mean. It takes a bit of work if you're willing to put the hard yards in.

I highly recommend Googling an author named Athol Kay and having a look at his MMSL (Married Man Sex Life) forum and checking out his books.  It is REALLY important that you don't make a fuss or whinge to your wife about the lack of sex. Read at least one of his books and see how you feel about taking action to enhance your life (don't tell her what you're up to) and see what happens.

 Good luck!

Hi Damo, Lynda's my name.  I read your post twice before reading Mary's.  She has a great idea about you and your wife joining some sort of activity together, minus kids, where you two can reconnect.  Perhaps you and your wife could join a social club where you meet once or twice a week.  Kids are fabulous, but terrific conversation killers between husband and wife.  You just start to tell each other something, and bang, you're interrupted.  Telling the child to wait till you and mum have finished talking, turns the whole thing into a battle ground.  Particularly if you or wife insists on letting child have their say.  I'm not saying you do, or don't, but I've seen lots of couples who believe that children have the right to be heard.  That last part is true, but, at the same time, children need to learn when mum and dad need their time together.  Often waiting till the kids are tucked up in bed is not an option, particularly if you or mum have to be 'up with the sparrows'.  Try and find something that you and wife can enjoy without the kids, this way, you would have 'time out' and the kids wouldn't feel banished either.  My parents played table tennis when I was a kid.  They would leave me with a suitable, qualified sitter and go twice weekly.  It sounds as though you and your wife have forgotten how to relax and enjoy what you originally had.       

Only_the_lonely
Community Member

Hey there ,

I totally understand where you are coming from mate, since I am married with 2 kids. You may have heard the phase, children kill the romance in a marriage. and that is partially true. When you become a responsible parent, your whole world is centered around your kids activities, including school pickup drop-offs, and weekend sport commitments so you can see many parents are left away from each other whilst the other is cleaning the home or cooking so when the other parent returns with kids, lunch/ dinner is ready on top of the washing done and hanged on line and the house is cleaned.

You can see the pattern that as parents you run out of steam and that goes for both of you. You have to take time to do somethings together, like catching up for Breakfast at Macdonalds, or even a lunch date, or a dinner date, something to break the pattern or both of you will suffer from loss of attention and for committing to your kids most of the time. In a marriage love has to be present 24/7 or you are out the door. Maybe its the frustration that you take out on each other since you are both burnt out. So please, take the time to go our to the local RSL for dinner and catch up. See if you can aim for once a month, it will keep your family and your marriage intact. Failure of doing this will not be very healthy for you both. As parent, I can imagine you being a good dad and dedicated hubby but forgetting your partner will not give you any brownie points from her. It goes both ways so take the step in doing this for your own marriage sake and hopefully your better half will also calm down and see that "love" is still there in their house and tell you what, your kids will be happier seeing that their parents are loving and joking and laughing with eachother, just like you like to hear your kids playing and giggling in the other room. It has a mirror effect on your kids as well. So If mum and dad are happy, the kids are happy as well and that it also means reassures them that when adults, to find a person they can relate to and share ideas, thoughts and jokes as well.

As human beings, we constantly need assurance in life, assurance from your boss to say your work is safe, assurance from our parents that they still love and support us, and assurance from our partners that they still love us as your kids need assurance that their dad loves them everyday.

Damo4115
Community Member

Hi all. Just thought i would update you on my situation. So i ended up having the discussion with the wife.

I said what i was sick of and wanted out. It was a total suprise to her that i had these feelings. As all stories have two sides we both communicated how we were feeling. Apparently i was doing minor things that would really annoy her this as trivial as not filling up water bottles at the end of the night and leaving them for someone else to fill them also leaving my boxer shorts i sleep in on the floor every morning as i get ready for work at 5 in the morning.

My issues were not being appreciated, no sex and little to no affection.

When i thought she was pissed at me for no reason this would then result in my being short her.

After we discussed our sides of the story and agreed to change things to help save the marriage.

So i have changed my ways. For the last month i have made sure i fill up my waterbottles and make sure i put my boxer under the pillow.

But i haven't noticed any effort has been made by my wife. For example we went away without the kids last weekend for make-up weekend. After six weeks without sex i managed to get a measly one for the whole weekend.

After we had finished we then went and picked the kids up from my parents house they live on the coast. Go to the oldies house and it was great to see the kids. After getting home not much was said as we just wanted to get the kids into bed as it was late because of the bad crash on the Bruce.

 

 

Damo4115
Community Member

So during this week i have been thinking to myself if my confession wad such a shock to her why hasn't she made an effort to make this work.

Unfortunately last weekend was really the straw that broke the camels back. I am really leaning towards taking the step and moving on. This will be a crap time for everyone but don't i deserve to be happy.

My mind is a bit of a mess at the moment but i feel like i have made my discussion.

Any feedback would help me out. Thanks for listening. This community is a great support and thanks to all the people that take the time out of there busy live to help me out. Thanks heaps Damo

Steven1
Community Member

Hi Damo. I just stumbled across this thread and I am going through exactly the same thing with my wife. You sound exactly the same as me! I am also 32, married with 2 kids and suffering from a lack of intimacy and communication.

I have no new suggestions or advice for you but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!