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Shocking news revealed to me today

Elizabeth Louise
Community Member

Hello,

 

I have been separated from my husband for 7 months now. And after going through an emotional rollercoaster in my marriage since Nov 2020, today everything made sense. I found the final missing peice to the puzzle. I have been going nuts trying to work out what went wrong and today It suddenly all made sense.

 

My ex husband (I'm have been still trying and hoping to save my marriage, he wanted to leave) revealed to me today after probing him for more information. He said there was some other reason for our separation and he hadn't shared with me until today.

 

Apparently this started end 2020.

He accidentally saw a messenger message pop up on my computer while I was at work and he read he name apparently It was between me and my mum. He said he kept reading and scrolling and searched his name throughout messenger and read some history. My Facebook was automatically logged into my computer at home consistently and he was reading all my messages. He says it was the "family computer" So maybe he felt like he did nothing wrong. But no one else used it but me. I used it for my photography hobby. The only time we used it together was to do our budget. But that was together. I know he had my password (he set the password) but it never occurred to me that he was reading my messages. I guess I just trusted him to not spy on me. 

 

Apparently he was hurt from the words I said about him and also what my mum said. I may have said horrible things to my mum while we were fighting in that heat of the moment and I feel horrible for it.

 

I also feel violated like my privacy was violated. He said he was doing this over months, years! And I had no idea.

When he did it the first time, shouldn't he have told me upfront? And not continue to read my messages without me knowing?

 

Help!! I'm struggling with this so much. I feel so hurt. I don't have a therapy session booked for a few more days.

 

He said he's the victim as he resd horrible things about himself and he knew I would be upset so didn't share this with me, but he feels like the victim. Arnt I a victim too? 

 

EL

4 Replies 4

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Elizabeth Louise~

Welcome back, and I'm sorry that your break up is still so much on your mind., it is however very understandable as it was not you that stopped it.

 

As you mentioned before you had been served with divorce papers that did have to be repeated later this year, your husband was the one that left, holds grudges, banned you family and has mental health issues too. He has also used the children as a lever.

 

Despite this revelation I can't see it being the basis for getting back together by itself. I do not know if a person can change that much and if you were together both of you might find difficulties in trusting or forgiving the other

 

As a result I'm not sure how much use there is in going into this incident . It may help explain things to you a bit better but as nothing has changed I don't feel  it gives you any fresh hope you will get back together. It does not sound from what you have said before this was the only reason he left.

 

OK, I think it was intrusive of him to read your messages to your mum, they were designed to be private and any respectful person would have left them unread. If by accident he happened to see his name them the  best thing to have done was to talk about it wiht you straight away, not keep it secret. For someone that  holds grudges keeping silent is probably the worst thing he could have done, in time it can magnify the  matter greatly.

 

Everyone needs to blow off steam at times, and a mum would be a good choice. While things are said that might be unfair or hurtful sometimes they are justified, something the reader may not accept. Any caring peron might look to the faults in themselves if they had sparked such forthright descriptions.

 

You mentioned you had come to an amicable and cooperative relationship over the children. Given your past descriptions of him I think you may be fortunate and hope it remains so

 

Croix.

 

Hi Croix,

 

Thank you for your response. 

I no longer believe he had a mental illness. The behaviour I was seeing was as a result of reading my messages. I finally have some clarity as to what was going on. I knew something was strange and different and there was something deeper going on, I just couldn't work out what it was. Now I finally know.

 

Also holding grudges was a new behaviour because again anger and hurt was being reinforced by reading hurtful messages.

Come to think of it, It was just me explaining my frustration and observation after a fight or his odd behaviour. I didn't attack his character or say he was a bad person. It was all because I was trying to make sense of what was going on. I thought he had a mental illness, BPD, nothing made any sense because he didn't really take time off work and he was doing OK with work. But he seemed withdrawn and depressed. We were not around other people for 2 years so I couldn't assess his behaviour with other people just myself and the kids. 

I was venting about his odd behaviour to my mum. He says it's like I was two different people. Someone else online and someone else in person. Of course though because he was never meant to read those messages! Silly me for trusting and leaving my computer open like that. He said he had to use the printer one day and so used that computer.

 

Yes we have an amicable and cooperative relationship over the children and were actually talking everyday. We talk about the kids and he has started to share more about his life and his day. I feel as though we are communicating more now than what we were the last couple of years. Perhaps that why he has finally opened up to me and shared this with me now. Maybe there's more emotional safety now than previously.

 

I would have got really defensive if he shared this news with me 2 years ago. But I listened calmly, I was remorseful and apologetic.

I started to feel defensive 1 hr later thinking things like why didn't he tell me sooner and why didn't he stop checking and continue to spy on me. I spiralled last night hence this post. He wasnt going to share it with me, he said it won't make a difference but he will tell me because I need closure. He said is this enough now, do i have enough reasons now? Yes hes given me plenty of reasons for the breakup, but i still think we can work through this. Trust can be built. Let's see what happens the next 4 months.

 

Today I still have hope that we can reconcile because now I finally have all the facts and I know all the reasons for the failure of our marriage. 

 

There's 4-5 months to go before he can file for divorce again if he still wants to. 

 

I hope he can forgive me and we can start fresh. Until then I will still try to build that emotional connection and build some trust.

 

I am focusing on myself and trying to get some joy back in my life with hiking and getting back into my photography.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

EL

Dear EL~

Well I guess talking without too much emotion is a plus, as you said a couple of years ago you would have reacted differently and maybe he would too.

 

I"m glad you are looking after yourself, it seems to me maybe hiking and photography might go together. Do you have a specialty like birds or landscapes?

 

Croix

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Elizabeth Louise,

I’m not familiar with the content of the messages or how badly you spoke of your husband, bit it seems unlikely this would be the sole reason to ask for a divorce? That being said, any time we turn away from our marriage and “vent” our inner-most feelings about our partner to someone outside of our marriage, we open ourselves up to them finding out and feeling incredibly betrayed. In short, nothing good can come from it. The person you are venting to is almost always going to side with you, who is merely representing their side of the argument, so you aren’t even really getting a balanced opinion but more someone to agree with you. The fact that person is your mother then creates a further divide in that husband-mother-in-law relationship. It sounds to me as though you are both trying to jostle for the “victim” spot, which seems a bit pointless at this point. Yes he shouldn’t have read your messages and you have a reasonable expectation to privacy. But that tends to go out the window when suspicions are raised or something incriminating is found, otherwise no extra-marital affairs would ever be uncovered. I’m assuming this may have been a bit more of a “the straw that broke the camel’s back” type of situation? Would that be correct?