Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

I hope so. It feels like its been this way forever. I get no respite. I get no reward for pushing through. People I've been to school who have treated me badly get rewarded in life and I'm punished. I am trying to tolerate and distract myself but do you ever feel like there are times when its too hard? I'm very lonely and the sexual frustration is so incredibly strong at the moment. I feel like right now I am being denied my rights to be a human being. It is so unfair.

[Quercus]

Hi Azzdog,

I understand you're hurting right now but something you wrote rang alarm bells for me.

"I feel like right now I am being denied my rights to be a human being."

Sex is not a human right.

I accept that you are lonely and frustrated and sick of seeing people paired up (even the ass hats that bullied you). But companionship is something given willingly (or paid for). It's not a right.

Think of the typical woman you like and are seeking...

Are you actively seeking out a woman who has been beaten down and submitted to the extent she believes her body is yours to use?Yours by right? I seriously doubt that.

From what I've seen here you want companionship and friendship and mutual care and respect. If this hurt and frustration is tainting how you interact with woman the type of women who you are seeking would be wary of you.

Forgive me please. I'm not one to speak politely when something upsets me. I just want to make it clear to you that (unintendenly) you are projecting an attitude that would make many women run a mile. Not good for you and only compounds the hurt and loneliness you feel.

If you feel at a point where your frustration is turning into resentment and anger perhaps it is worth seeking out a paid companion for now. There is no shame in this. Given how you see yourself would it be a good thing to allow someone to help you build your self esteem? It doesn't have to be for sex. Even just taking the time to talk and ask for help and female advice with building your confidence. It's ok if the idea repells you. It is just an idea not a reflection on your ability to find a partner.

Nat

[Doolhof]

Hi Azzdog,

I'm a little disturbed by the words that you are using. I tend to agree with Nat that you need to find some way to deal with your sexual frustrations and general anger before you possibly start harming women because you feel you have a right to sex.

My first husband had that ideation, that women were there for him to have sex with. He used to beat me up and rape me as he felt that as his wife he had the right to do as he pleased.

He also had sex with girlfriends of mine, manipulating them into thinking he was this wonderful guy who really loved them. One of those ladies ended up in a mental institution for a while.

Yes you are angry, you are frustrated, you are annoyed with the world right now, you feel like everyone is against you, that the world is out to make it tough for you and to get at you. These thoughts may all just be in your head and you need help to deal with them.

You may need to do some hard thinking and see what you can change in yourself to help make you more attractive to the opposite sex. Expecting sex as a right might be something you take up with a prostitute.

Dools

[Azzdog]

No no no no no no no. That’s no true what I meant at all. I haven’t worded it properly. I feel sick to the stomach that you all think that I am some sort of horrible person, that’s not what I am at all. I would like to point out that I am a feminist and I despise men who view women as sexual objects. I hate them because of the bad view they give of other men such as myself, who don’t treat women like that at all. I am so sorry I have given you all that impression, it makes me feel sick to my stomach and I feel so depressed at the moment.

This is what I meant. I believe everyone has the right to a healthy sex life. No one should be forced to do something against their will. But I believe everyone is allowed to be loved and if you work hard enough, you can achieve that. That’s what I meant. I categorically believe that everyone should be treated with love and respect, no matter who you are. I am so so sorry that I have you all that impression. I was just trying to articulate that I feel like I’ve worked really hard to develop a social life and, potentially, have a romantic life and nothing has happened yet. 11 years I’ve lived like this and that’s what I meant. There are morons who think that women are objects and I despise them. I have no respect for them and I want you all to that. I am so sad you feel like I have no morals at all. I absolutely do and I actually do have a strong conviction one day to do social work and become a teacher because I want people like me to know that there is hope and you can make it through. That’s the kind of person I want you all to think that I am. Please

[Doolhof]

Dear Azzdog,

I do apologise that I have read your words in the wrong way and I am so sorry if I have caused you to be distressed.

Unfortunately part of my mind and memory focused on some of your words the wrong way and I was deeply triggered by what I read. It just reminds me that the written word can be misconstrued so easily!

Please accept my misunderstanding for what it was a trigger to a horrible past memory.

Okay, let's start again. I understand you better now. You have been trying to be a in a relationship with someone and it is not happening for you and in this you are feeling distressed and depressed.

I can well understand that when you see other people making advances in life, being accepted, being part of what you long for can make you feel like you are being left behind. I can now see that you do not "expect" sex as your right, but do feel that like everyone else you have the right to be loved, accepted, cared for and in a meaningful relationship.

Thank you so much for coming back and explaining that to me Azzdog, I do appreciate you not being angry with my presumptions. We all have different experiences in life that cause us to act and react, sometimes in ways that are not helpful to anyone. Sorry if I was offence, I read your words wrong.

I'm sorry you have been in your position for so many years. It must be very disheartening for you.

Azzdog, I am going to leave this here for now. I don't usually react to threads as I have done, so that shows me that I have issues of my own that I need to deal with!

Please accept my apology for misunderstanding your words. I do wish you all the best and hope you can move on from what I have written.

Cheers to you from Dools

[Azzdog]

Thank you Dools,

I wasn't in a great way on Sunday night so I didn't proof read my message (which is something I normally do) just in case it gets misconstrued in any way. So, I think I need to do some thinking about how I use this thread as well. Venting on here is not the way forward so I'll need to do some reflection at the moment as well.

I'm glad we are on the same page now. I think what's happened in your life is so sad and those are the kinds of actions that some men do that I find despicable. It affects the whole community when that happens and I wish these men would acknowledge that.

I hope I haven't triggered anything off for you Dools, that was not my intention, I was in a bad way on Sunday night. I wish you all the best and you can come back here anytime you want. Your support (on top of everyone else's) is very much appreciated and I am going to show that more now on here. Maybe I'll start doing that in my life in general and that can raise my self-esteem where I can confidently go out and meet people and start having the life I want to have. I have a lot of dreams (such as travelling the world) so maybe this is the kick up the bum I need to start valuing things more in my life, rather than bemoan over what I don't have.

Quercus, I hope you can reply too. I just want to know everything's okay from your end as well.

Aaron

[james1]

Hello Aaron,

I thought I'd just make a couple of thread suggestions that you might find interesting.

This first one I started and I think it might be helpful(?) to hear what some of the women on the forums here had to say. I think people have been quite open and honest. I think it offers a perspective that doesn't usually get talked about, and can maybe give you reassurance that not every rejection is personal.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/what-can-men-do-to-help-women-feel-safe-/page/1

This second one here is more a men's support thread. You may find some commonalities with some other posters, particularly on the last page:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/men-isolated/page/9#qqZCZHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Hope you find it useful and interesting 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi Aaron,

Thanks for your words. Please do not stop reaching out to people here, that is not what I want you to do or expect you to do. There has been a misunderstanding on my part. Like I wrote, I was triggered by words you had written, you did not do it on purpose. It was my reaction to words on the screen.

Thank you for your considerate words regarding events from my past. I certainly don't dislike all men because of that period of time in my life, some of my best friends have been men I have had platonic relationships with.

I have reflected on my reply to you and realise there are issues in my life I still need to deal with. As part of improving my self esteem, I had a chat with a girl friend today and organised to catch up for a coffee next week.

Can you think of something you might be able to do to help you with your self esteem? Have you planned another trip to the record store?

Your words here in reply to my outburst have been very considerate and caring. I do wish you well Aaron and hope you are able to find a meaningful relationship. You are right, all people deserve happiness!

Cheers to you Aaron, from Dools

[Azzdog]

No worries,

That sounds good! I'm glad you managed to find the time to do that. It is always good to catch up with friends, particularly ones that are understanding so its awesome you have someone like that in your life

I am actually starting my Masters of Secondary Teaching next week so I guess that will give me something to focus on. I have placement as well for that so I will get to be teaching secondary students (I think, I'll let you know once I have more information). I am also working on a potential musical performance at Orygen which is the mental health service I use. We may be doing a concert at the end of the term so that has given me something to focus on. I love music, particularly playing with other like minded musicians. I am also going to be starting tutoring soon so that's another thing to help with self-esteem.

I wouldn't consider it an outburst. Just a misunderstanding. I'm glad things are level now. Yes! Everyone deserves happiness and to be loved, whether it be family or friends. That will be, hopefully, the impression I leave on people as I start to get healthy. We are all unique and have capacity to do amazing things in whatever we choose. Hopefully as a teacher I will be able to install that sort of confidence in my students. Got to get that Masters first!

Aaron

[Quercus]

Hi Aaron 😊

I was just checking in to make sure you're ok and that my post didn't upset you too deeply but I see it did. I'm sorry for that.

Nope had no doubt whatsoever that you are a respectful and kind bloke. I just felt I needed to show you clearly what image you are projecting to women when you're hurting. If noone says anything how are we supposed to get better?

Others have said carefully before that your frustration could be tainting your interactions with women and this I believe is what they were hinting at. Trying to warn you gently that when you are frustrated and angry it sets warning bells off to women. And this keeps you isolated and lonely.

I am sad that my words affected you so badly. Please keep trying here? You are very welcome. I don't think any less of you. There are misunderstandings all the time (the joys of the written word interpreted by vulnerable people like we all are) but we brush ourselves off and try again.

Honesty is difficult at times. But both Mrs D (lovely Dools) and I could have been polite and said nothing and what would that have changed? Nothing. You wouldn't be aware of the impact palpable sexual frustration and disappointment has on the women around you. Mrs D and myself are quite sensitive to it (most women who have been abused somehow are).

It is important for you to know this because I suspect it has a part to play in why you haven't been able to connect with someone as yet.

I hope you check out the threads James mentioned. The one about women's safety is an interesting read. Also I mentioned a thread once to you by HamSolo. Did you ever check it out?

Thank you for your concern for us. I am fine and am worried about how you are holding up (I'll check in on you too Mrs D). Do you feel like we can move on from this?

I can tell you plainly you are not the first or the last to be misunderstood. It is the nature of forums. I've lost count of how many people I have upset and offended. It does hurt but in time you will see even here conflict happens. It doesn't reflect on you as a person.

Do you feel up to sharing how you're feeling? Venting is fine just remember at times we all do get replies that can shock/surprise us.

Nat