Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Doolhof]

Hi Aaron,

Sorry to read you have been feeling suicidal, as one who has been there many times I am really sorry you feel that way. It is horrid when the emotional pain feels so intense you just want it to end.

Writing/composing a song sounds excellent! Would you like to share some of it with us? I used to like to write poetry but haven't done so for a while now.

I'm in need of a horse right now or some mode of transport that does not require me to drive! Last week I tore a ligament off the bone in my right ankle. The podiatrist who helped me with a moonboot says I can't drive for 6 to 8 weeks and we live in a small town out in the bush!

I drive to visit friends but they tell me it is too far to come and visit me! Guess I won't be having too many friends to visit. My husband is not all that accommodating so I am going to become good at being my own best friend and filling in my time the best way I can without leaving the house!

I'm feeling a little sorry for myself right now as the pain was so intense in my foot last night I was in tears. The strong painkillers did nothing.

It is so easy for depressive thoughts to come to mind no matter what pain we are experiencing, if it be mental or physical. Like others have been writing to you, I need to work on myself right now and try to make the most out of what I do have and not continually think that I want things to be different.

Right now I have to accept my reality for what it is and find ways to make it better.

Sorry you are in a tough place Aaron. Hopefully you can find ways to concentrate on what you can do each day to change your situation one step at a time.

All the best from Hop Along Dools!

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron

This bit of what you said stuck out to me: "My point is that I’m constantly rejected online and conversations just
abruptly end without any reason whatsoever. Whenever I talk to women at Orygen or at uni or whatnot, I get on with them really well. It’s just nothing takes off. " You've pretty much characterised the real experience of the modern dating world. You are not alone in that. I am honestly considering taking a break from that stuff because I have had the exact same experience as what you have.

Also this, this gives me hope for you: "I do get on with women and have good connections with some. I absolutely do not talk like how I’ve been on dating apps. I feel like I’ve been kind and interested in what they saying and what their into. It starts off well and then it ends abruptly. I don’t know why that is."

Again, dating apps are hard business man.

"I’m sorry if I’ve come across as a jerk or an incredibly angry person to you all. I’m confused as to why I can’t make any headway despite having many people say I’m kind, intelligent, interesting, creative, you name it." Personally, I haven't felt that way so no worries at all. I know what you mean re confusion about making some headway in some respects and knowing you are kind, intelligent, creative etc. Remember though, that people who say that you must "by now" have a gf, or that they are shocked to hear you dont haven't really thought about the impacts of what they've said. Someone said something to me once similar, that they were shocked I hadn't. I guess all that showed was their inability to understand the realities of mental ill health. NEVER forget that it does impact your self esteem, motivations, self worth etc. One psych simply told me "it's a state of mnid" when I said depression was hard to navigate in a relationship. Felt like flipping my lid lol. It's also different for guys too i think. I think it's easier for a girl to be depressed, as opposed to a guy when we talk about relationships. There is something really off putting about a guy is not sorted out to a girl.

This also answers the age old question about why bad guys can get so many girls when they treat them so badly. Because they have the veneer of having things sorted out. For us? It's the opposite. We have no intention of hurting anyone, but we are actually trying to sort things out.

More to come

[HamSolo01]

"I’ve struggled a lot with these horrible feelings for the best part of
eleven years and I am over it. That’s where I’m sitting at the moment."

Preach it. I know what you mean in relation to that. I am over it too.

But again, this comes back to the importance of figuring things out for yourself.

I would honestly say, put dating apps to bed. Get stuck into working out, reading, doing your music, stop listening to radio and watching tv, focus on that list you made the other day. Baby steps mate. NEVER underestimate the reality of babysteps. NEVER. My god, they make so much difference.

How's your work going? You mentiond tutoring? Or something similar? That's a really good way to "get back at the man" so to speak.

Over the weekend and Monday I was in Melbourne sharing my mental health journey with young males. I could see the looks on their faces as I was talking to them about suicide, medication, depression and getting help. They are up against it. You and I, we are in this together my man.

I hope you can get the help with your docs today or yesterday. Just keep pushing forward.

You have the smarts, sensibility, and know-how. IT'll just take some time to move forward. So long as you are moving forward in the smallest way - that's all that matters.

Tell the rest of the world to go to hell. They are often lost anyway. Remember how we were chatting about the radio stuff you heard about relationships? Fickleness 101. TV? Now I heard they are bringing out a new TV show based on that Chinese show "If you are the one" where the guy walks out and then gets rated upfront. Then they start asking question. All I can say is imagine if was the other way around yeh? It'd be labelled as sexist. Anyway, I'll spare my societal rant for later haha. But this is something that I think you'd be sympathetic towards as it shows a condescending nature that society has towards men, mental health, self image and what we ought to value. Steer clear of it and replace it with Netflix and comedy shows lol.

Anyway my man, I must jet. Gotta meet a mate today.

Just stay the course and remain vigilent. You are already off to a good start I can see.

[geoff]

Hi Azzdog, at the moment I'm up to page 3, but for me, your problem is crystal clear, let me read the other pages when I have time.
Geoff.

[Azzdog]

Hey Lee lee 73,

I am so sorry to hear what you've been through. Thats absolutely broken my heart to hear that. I know thats small consolation to hear from a stranger but damn that is so unfair.

While I have time on my side, that's what most people say, it honestly doesn't feel that way. I feel like the longer it will take the harder it will be. That's what no one understands. There is a massive gap in the service provided by the public health system which I have tried to rectify. Unfortunately, my voice wasn't heard but I am going to keep harping on the issue until someone acknowledges that something must be done. It's an absolute disgrace but we do indeed take this thing for granted in society and something needs to be done.

Actually, I just had a call with my therapist and I have just scheduled a time to see him and the senior medical doctor at Orygen on Monday. I will update you on how things are going from there.

Dude, I have no idea what to say to you. My heart is breaking for you because, as far as I'm concerned, everyone is allowed to be loved and allowed to give love. It's a human need. For you to have never experienced that makes me really upset and angry. Your voice, along with others in your position, needs to be heard. I will leave no stone unturned to do what I can to provide more support for people who are struggling with relationship issues.

I think people who suffer in this position don't speak up because its too hard and they feel that they are alone on this issue. There are more of us out there and I will fight for these people, they won't be left behind.

Don't apologise for ranting here. Look at some of my earlier posts, I'm simply fed up with being alone and I don't know what it is that makes it so hard for me.

[Azzdog]

For the rest of you, I will reply in good time. Thank you for your messages. I have a lot of study I need to catch up on but I will come back to you all later tonight. Hope you all have a great day.

Aaron

[james1]

Hello Aaron,

You have asked why people reject you constantly and I don't think you have been satisfied with our answers so far. You've felt like some of them have been cliches so maybe I can give you a straight answer here since you are asking. I should say that nothing is a criticism and these are only my own observations based on a pretty limited interaction with you.

- As you noted yourself, you are working on your communication. Naturally, while you work on it, dating will be a bit hit and miss.

- Since you have been starting to rebuild your social life and your self confidence, this will be something that may put some question marks in people's minds.

- I feel some of your statements here about how women and men behave can reflect poorly on you when dating, even if you don't vocalise them specifically. It's a bit full on, and even a small hint could be seen as overly judgemental.

- But mostly, I think you have been unlucky so far.

I have said this already and perhaps I didn't stress it enough, but you are not the only one who is single. Yes, you are flawed. But so is everybody else both in a relationship, and not in a relationship. It is cliched because it is true.

You mentioned all these flaws of other men. Well, I have a female friend who's ex had a bit of a temper. She loved it. She thought (and still thinks) that it was great that he at least had a personality, unlike an ex she had who had no personality. So she'd just cop the yelling, then give it right back. Go figure.

People's flaws are sometimes inexcusable, yet often we learn to love them anyway. It comes back to: what are the things you like and don't like about yourself? Keep the first, work on the second. If you're lucky, you'll find someone who agrees with you AND someone who you also happen to like.

James

[Lee lee 73]

Hey Aaron,

Thanks heaps for your lengthy reply. Totally agree matey, 'the longer it takes, the harder it is '.

I did mean to say I'm sorry you're alone too. You don't deserve to be!

Good luck with your appointments and look forward to your update - when you get a chance.

Let me know if you need assistance with this fight.

Lee

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim and Nat,

To Tim, it's only music. I can't really come up with lyrics that sum up my mood on something inside three minutes or so haha. I have been trying to channel my anger into music which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. The metal thing is very similar to the punk movement as well. Rock music was quite stale and boring during the mid seventies and the big groups at the time seemed very out of touch to the working class people. That's how bands like The Clash spawned because of the need to write songs that connected to the working people who were struggling to live day to day due to bad economic policies that favoured the rich.

To Nat, you don't need to apologise. I haven't been myself either and I have been quite demanding on this site. I guess you're right, I am frustrated and scared of the prospect of dying alone. It seems very real to me and thats what I feel like people are not getting.

I am under no illusion that my problems would go away the moment I managed to get a girlfriend but I feel it would help me to rationalise my thoughts more. It would be harder to say I am ugly if there is a woman who finds me attractive, inside and out. I have made my peace with the fact that its never going to go away for good but I don't like how intense they've been of late.

[Azzdog]

Hi Pamela,

I'll be honest, I have no idea how GarageBand works either 😂 I have a program called GuitarPro which is good but you have to manually input all the notes into the program to make a song. It is so time consuming that the process generally puts me off doing it. But the feeling of satisfaction when I do complete one is amazing.

I try to channel my anger into something productive or creative. The creative aspect can be music or writing. The productive aspect is through study, self-care, getting myself back on the track to improving life etc. However, the one thing I am very passionate about at the moment is improving the dialogue clinicians have with their clients over body image and sexual health. I don't really feel that I have benefited a lot from therapy in regards to these two issues and I want to be a part of the change that I know we can accomplish.

I totally agree with you, the people on talk radio shows have no idea what we go through. I wonder if they have ever thought about the consequences over what... hang on thats a pretty stupid question of course they haven't! They are so out of touch with reality and its no wonder radio doesn't have the appeal it once had. I don't watch television much anymore because of similar reasons. All these ridiculous reality tv shows are having a negative effect on people across all age groups its just not discussed. Like I said before, I am having a meeting with the two leaders at Orygen next week (one of them is actually my therapist) about improving these sorts of conversations we have on body image and sexual health. I want to see a change to give people more support that they are not alone and can live more meaningful lives.

That sounds really positive that you've managed to tune out of all of those unhelpful triggers. Thats something I'm in the process of doing. I have weaned myself of Facebook because it is also unhelpful. I appreciate your support (and everyone else). I may not show it properly on this forum but trust me I do 😊 That's why I can replying to you all.