Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

It's also important to note just how bad it is. It doesn't function properly when I tried to have sex. Now I had to have surgery on it and it still is playing up and it hasn't settled down. My self esteem is at an all time low

[james1]

Hello Aaron,

I'm sorry to hear you need to have surgery to have it function properly. I can only imagine the various feelings you may have about that, and it sounds like your self esteem has taken a real toll.

I hope you can recover from this in the knowledge that any physical challenges, or even mental challenges, you face are not strange or uncommon. The pain you feel is something shared by many men whether they need surgery or not, and the hardest part is learning how to accept ourselves because, frankly, others will never judge us as harshly as ourselves.

James

[Azzdog]

Hey,

So it has been a while. I think this year has been so intense that I haven't felt the need, or more importantly, felt up to coming on here. I do feel like I get stuck from time to time having high expectations with this forum.

So it is Christmas. Hard to believe I actually once enjoyed this time of the year. I used to get so excited by the entire season. The decorations, the Christmas carols, and the presents (obviously). Now I am so exhausted by the season and can't wait for it to finish.

It's the advertising and the marketing that really gets me down. It is a time for families. It is a time for loved ones. I still feel like I am a long way away from that. It really frustrates and scares me.

I understand this year has been tough for all. I am not denying that or undermining it. I can only truly express how I feel and this is what I am doing now.

Recovering from a circumcision has not been fun. One of the tougher things I have had to go through. It almost destroyed my confidence and self esteem. But, without jinxing it, I think I am in the clear now which is a good feeling to have.

I have been feeling a lot more stable but prone to feeling isolated, confused, ugly and unloveable. I really feel like I am completely misunderstood being a sensitive soul. Makes it harder to connect because it takes longer to connect with me than someone who just wants instant gratification.

Also had my graduation ceremony last Monday. I now have a Master of Secondary Teaching. I'm still trying to process the Bachelor of Arts from two years ago.

I have no idea what purpose this post serves. I have a lot on my mind but I don't know how to articulate it. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. For now, I feel like I am an island unto myself. Drifting through life while others seem to have and get the experiences I want with no bother.

[Doolhof]

Hi Azzdog,

Congratulations on receiving your Master of Secondary Teaching.

Sorry to read it has been such a hard year for you and this time of year is making you feel exhausted. There can be so many expectations and desires we long to have filled, then throw in the pressure of Christmas and all it can represent and we feel we don't have and the negatives can multiply.

Is there anything you are looking forward to in the next few days? Are you making any plans for next year? I am considering changes I can make myself to enhance my own life experiences.

This has been one crazy year hasn't it! I'm learning to be more adaptable to changes and to try be more accepting.

I don't have any answers for you Azzdog, just wanted to let you know someone is listening to what you are saying.

Cheers from Dools

[Azzdog]

Hey Dools,

Nice to hear from you. It has been a while. And thank you! That means a lot.

I have actually been doing somethings to keep myself busy. I managed to finish my resume and I am going to apply for a few things. One of those things is that I am applying for a tutoring role to work in schools to help kids who have fallen behind because of COVID.

I have also started a meetup group for musicians which had its inaugural meetup last week. We are planning to do one next week too. I have also been trying to eat a bit better which, I guess, is a new years resolution haha

[smallwolf]

hi Aaron.

long time no see. Sorry I missed your post the other night. Last night I went to a blue Christmas service - not everyone enjoys the Christmas period.

Congrats on getting your Masters.

And it has been a pretty horrid year! I don't know what effect everything with Covid might have had on you, but that thrown on top on everything you were dealing with would be difficult.

I have probable told you this previously but it s something that has really helped me out... sometimes when we try to climb up to the top of the mountain we have to go down to valleys and from there we can a better path to the top.

Now, honestly speaking, I don't know if I will ever get to the top. At least I can find some solace in knowing that when I am feeling down there is a point, somewhere in the future when I will start to go up again.

Knowing how much you dislike this time of the year, I will say this... I hope you will be able to find some time when you can enjoy being you.

Tim

[Doolhof]

Hi Azzdog,

I really like your idea of wanting to help out in schools. Students of all ages have had it really tough this year. I am sure there are some who have managed to adapt and have done very well, no doubt others have struggled with the disruptions and changes to their learning patterns.

Years ago I helped out at school listening to children read, I enjoyed that. I have also helped out with breakfast clubs, that was a lot of fun. I'm not sure if our local schools do that. May be something I could consider again next year.

The meet up group for musicians sound interesting. I'm thankful this year I managed to stay in touch with a group of ladies who do crafts. I have been inspired by them and the interaction and creating has been beneficial to my mental health.

My new psychologist is telling me to try and just live one moment at a time and one day at a time. I feel we sometimes need a little forward planning as well. I like Tim's analogy of the mountain.

Good to have a chat with you Azzdog. It is wonderful you have some plans and prospects.

Cheers for now from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Tim,

I really like your analogy of the mountain top experience. Me, I am trying to enjoy the view along the way and take breaks when needed.

Lately I have been doing some sewing, it has been good therapy. At first my frazzled brain couldn't work out how to even thread the machine! I have been making a few simple items family and friends will receive for gifts.

As others have mentioned, it is important to be with people all through the year when we can, to show kindness and care as well as hospitality when possible and welcoming people. I am going to try and do more of that next year.

Wishing you days of peace and wonderful glimpses of mountain tops, even if that is from the valley floor where it is cool and calming!

Cheers to you and all the best for the rest of December from Dools

[james1]

Hello Aaron,

I can understand how you feel about Christmas. Personally, Christmas is either amazing or terrible, depending on whether I am in a relationship or not. As you said, it's a time to spend with family and loved ones, and I'm not particularly close to family. So if I don't speak to you before Christmas, I hope this year's Christmas is okay and you can find something small to enjoy amidst all the hoohah. I'll certainly be trying to limit the amount of time I spend doing Christmassy things, and maximising the time spent with my dog.

Congratulations on the masters! I'm glad you've been able to keep yourself busy with things, and I hope your work and meetup initiatives go well.

James

[Azzdog]

Hey everyone,

First of all I hope you all (James, Dools and Tim) have a lovely Christmas and a Happy New Year. We survived one of the worst years I can think of. So I think we should all get a present just for that 😂

I think I will be able to enjoy Christmas a lot more than last year. Christmas, last year, was during the peak of me trying to understand why my relationship was breaking down and trying to process everything. This year I feel free of all those obligations so it will be nice to catch up with the family and try to end this miserable year on a reasonable note.

Oh yeah I remember doing a breakfast club at school Dools! That was so much fun though I don't know if schools do that anymore. I haven't heard anything about it on my placements.

I do like the analogy of the mountain too Tim. I wonder if actually never reaching the peak is a silver lining. It means that you always feel like something better is about to come along. Hopefully it never overwhelms you or anything but after reaching the peak there really is nowhere else to go.

Thank you James! I appreciate it. I too will be spending a lot of my Christmas with my two dogs. For the older one, this may be her last Christmas.