Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Doolhof]

HI Azzdog,

Just dropping by to say Hi. Wish I had some answers for you. Those lock downs are necessary but so darn hard to take all the time I am sure. The uncertainty must be difficult for many people to cope with.

It is frustrating when we feel like we have made an achievement then we feel like we are slipping into a set back again. People tell us to just get on with life, to move on, to just do something.

Some days it is hard to do anything let alone something that will help! I get that! I hope you are somehow able to find some ways to move forward. When you find out the way to do, let us all in on the secret!

Hope the lock downs end soon! Regards from Dools

[james1]

Hey Aaron,

It's nice to hear from you, but I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling really low again. it's a shame that relationship didn't work out, but at least you've found a way forward even if that wasn't what you'd hoped for originally.

It sounds really tough to feel like you're back where you started, or at least no closer to having a healthy sex life after all the work you've put in. I feel really similarly every time I'm back to being single, and it really sets me back mentally because it feels like nothing I do really matters and I have no control over my own life. I imagine the lockdowns and the pressure that puts on the other parts of your life just make it all a bit overwhelming.

Hopefully the lock down ends soon so you can at least keep going with some of the progress you've made in your career and social skills. Until then, it's worth remembering that your progress hasn't gone backwards there and you can pick it back up later.

James

[HamSolo01]

Hey Azzdog.

Good to hear from you mate.

Life has a way of doing these things hey?

I have no words of wisdom my friend. I can only lend me sympathies.

the whole realm of sex and intimacy seems like an unknown - but perhaps these two things are different .

I would submit that our modern ethos around these two things confuses them as the same.

Lately I have been thinking about it a lot. Its so empty.

Anyway. I hope you're well mate despite what's happening

You have our ears here

[Azzdog]

Hi all,

Thank you to all that replied. It is good to hear from you all and I hope you are all doing well.

Hey Tim, the good news here in Victoria is that lockdown will be over and we will return to some degree of normality. Friday is when we return to face to face classes which is a relief. Zoom classes are not fun and it is practically impossible to form any kind of connection with the kids. It's okay about the intimacy. There really isn't a simple answer and if there was I would be laughing lol. I am in the process of finding a new psychologist as I have finished with my previous one. It is exhausting but hopefully I will be able to find another one soon.

Hi Dools, I don't know if this is an earth shattering secret but I do have one way that keeps me grounded. If I am having a bad day I try to make sure that I do at least one thing that's in line with my values and where I want to go with my life. It is not much but it does go a long way.

Hey James, it was a shame the relationship didn't work out but the good news is that we are still friends. I think it would have been an absolute tragedy if it had ended the friendship. I do feel you about feeling like being back at the start and not having control over your life. I am feeling like that at the moment. But, as a I said to Dools, I am trying to look at least one positive that I did every day to keep myself on track.

Hey Mitch, thats all good mate. It's one of those things that just has to resolve itself at some point right? As long as we keep doing the work and keep moving forward (and all other related cliches lol). I still think (not that this is a particularly helpful thought) that society just takes it all for granted. It makes vulnerable people like us feel inadequate.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

Firstly I want to compliment you on the way you seem to be handling yourself these days. It seems like you have come a long way from when you were first here.

I hear you about zoom classes. Daughter was at uni for a couple of weeks and some of the lecturers could hardly be heard and that was with volume turned right up!

Good luck with finding a new psychologist. And good to hear about the lockdown.

[james1]

Hey Aaron,

Ah, I'm glad to hear you were still able to stay in touch. It sounds like that's a really important friendship to you.

Looking at one positive every day is a great way to just get by, day by day, when life's tough. As Tim said, you've come a long way since we first started chatting way back when. It's easy to forget that, and sometimes it feels like we're right back where we started, but you've been making lots of little small steps over this time.

Anyway, nice to hear from you again. Best of luck finding a new psychologist!

James

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone,

I have no idea if anyone is still monitoring this forum post lol. I thought I just come on here and share where I am up to now.

I have good news in terms of a job. I got a full-time job working in a country school. It does mean that I will be leaving Melbourne (I will be leaving on Friday). Honestly, I am very scared and excited but I have a feeling trepidation.

I have been diagnosed with autism particularly in terms of: having difficulty with pragmatic language, a visual and auditory processing difficulty, difficulty with processing social cues, and I have an intonation problem. It does make sense of some things and why making friends and having a relationship is so damn hard. It means I am doing double the work of other people just to be in the moment.

Dating wise has been a mess. Only went on three dates last year (I seriously tried but trying to get on a date, or have a conversation with a woman on a dating app, is excruciatingly hard). I got stood up twice and the third date the person showed no interest in me and looked completely disinterested from the start. I am seriously thinking of giving up on dating full-stop and I am not even kidding.

I read a research paper that it takes 50 hours of hanging around someone to move from an acquaintance to a friend and 200 hours to move to a good friend. That's why I don't understand all these women saying at the end of a two hour first date that they don't feel a connection. I don't think that's how connection works to be honest as it is an investment.

[james1]

Hey Aaron,

Nice to hear from you again.

Congrats on the new job. It sounds scary, but I'm sure it'll be a good experience, even if just for learning. Will you be starting with the new upcoming semester?

How are you feeling about the diagnosis? I have a friend who was doing some reading on his own autism last year and found it a bit of a mixed experience.

Sorry to hear about the dating experience. I know dating can be really demoralising and it can be hard to keep taking the rejections without just feeling exhausted. I tend to do it in waves - I'll try for a while, stop, then maybe try again later when I've had some time off to recover. I think people will often expect different things from a date - some want an instant 'connection' which is probably better described as a vibe or a good feeling. Others might be looking for a deeper connection which, as you say, takes a while to develop. It gets confusing when we end up using the same words for different things. I hope you aren't taking the rejections too personally, though it can be hard not to.

James

[Azzdog]

Hi James,

I am starting on Monday which is really scary. I don't know how I feel about it.

Honestly, the diagnosis has annoyed me because it has confirmed beliefs about myself that other clinicians have repeatedly dismissed. I feel like I have missed out on a lot of living because of it.

Dating is hard. I have no interest in it anymore

[Azzdog]

i seriously wish i was not alive