Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[smallwolf]

And merry Christmas to you Aaron.

I think it can be or is the silver lining. On the journey, I am up from where I started and the height and width of the mountain is whatever it is.... Not a mountain by name but of my imagination.

[Doolhof]

Hi Aaron and to all reading,

Wishing you a Christmas Day that is okay. It may be a bit like Tim's mountain! You can see in the distance what you would like to happen, you just might not be able to get there so being content with where you are at can help with feeling at peace within.

I've been stressing about working Christmas Day and realise that has taken away from the joy I could have been experiencing these last couple of days. I have also been sharing my stressed attitude with others so hope i have ruined their Christmas experience!

So I am off to work soon. For now I am sitting in a quiet house. I'd like to phone someone to have a chat with them and to wish them a Merry Christmas and have them wish me the same. Maybe I will find the cat and chat to her!

I'm going to try to enjoy the day!

Cheers to you Aaron and to All from Dools

[Azzdog]

Hey everyone,

Had a bit of a rough day again. The whole "I may never have another relationship" really hit hard today. Went to the MCG today and saw some people in relationships which hit hard.

I also had another painful moment when I looked in the mirror for the first time in ages. I realised that I am very overweight and am ashamed of how bad I've let it get. I am trying online dating but since I look overweight, and I have seen the scales too, I don't have the courage to put a picture (or pictures up).

I feel defeated at the moment

[james1]

Hey Aaron,

Were you at the MCG for the Boxing Day test? That was a disappointing game :(.

Sorry to hear how you feel like you may never have another relationship again, and that you feel ashamed of your weight. I know how hard it's been for you over the years and it's been very much related to these two topics. I guess there's not much more to say that you don't already know, but I hope you can look back at the year and find some good things among the more challenging times.

My ex and I broke up early this year and it's been challenging getting through this holiday period, especially since she's been dating and has a new boyfriend, while I'm on my own struggling to get a date. The dates I've been on haven't come through in the end. At times I wonder if there's something wrong with me and I can't honestly say that I've dispelled those thoughts. Instead, I try to just look at it on a moment by moment basis. If I have the dog (we share him), I try to spend time with him. If I don't, I try to do things that have nothing to do with relationships because that just makes me feel worse about myself, and I'm quite sensitive at the moment.

I dunno. I think there's a time and place to reflect on myself and think about my future, and a time and place to distract from it all. I hope you're doing okay today.

James

[HamSolo01]

Hi Aaron and happy new year - here's to a better one hey?

IT's been a while since I was on this forum too so I have decided to make a come back and see how things are - including your thread

Sounds like you've been through a hell of a lot. The relationships thing hit me hard yesterday as well. I've close to given up on improving my health - of course that was hard during 2019 as my main form of exercise was shut due to covid. Once gyms opened again I never really got back into it. I find it boring, but I digress.

I am now of the opinion that onling dating and apps that are geared around it are fake by default. My new mission/modus operandi is try to and move into the real world asap. If someone says I am being too quick then so be it, but humans aren't wired for online interaction only. We need real world interactions. So therefore I made the conclusion that this is my new approach to online dating apps. That of course is if I am not ghosted - something I will now no longer stand. I'm really over that. The entire game is rigged I think.

In terms of study - well done on completing your masters. That's a hell of an achievement and you should be proud. I am looking at going back to study sometime soon to boost my employablity and move to a better job. at the moment my job is a test on everything I have - patience, attitude, morale and mental health. But I know that if i quit then I'll be stuck in a situation I was in say 18 months ago when I didn't have a job at all. I have to keep pushing myself and maybe this explains my lax attitude towards my health aye? Fair to say I am also a bit embarassed by my job because many people think I study law (which I considered but have since done away with due to the cost - it would breach the 100K limit on HECS debt which I have already made up through my other degree I finished in 2018). I think I'd be a good lawyer - based on some of the people I have seen at work lol.... but again I am talking about myself too much. I hope you have some level of familiarity with the themes of what I'm saying though mate.

Take care and chat soon

- Hams

[Azzdog]

Hey James and Mitch,

Yeah I was at the boxing day test. It was a pretty disappointing game but we were outplayed from the outset. We need to get our batting in order as our bowling does too much work. Honestly it was just nice to be at the MCG again. It was the first time in 2020 that I was able to go.

I actually spent New Year's Eve reflecting on the year that has passed. Managing to complete my masters, learning some valuable interpersonal skills that I can take into 2021 and future relationships. I do feel like 2020 was not a waste but a valuable year where I learnt some priceless skills.

I am sorry to hear that your relationship ended James and that she has found someone else. If it is any consolation at all I am going through the exact same thing. Found out a few weeks ago my ex is in another relationship. I find it really frustrating that people like her can easily find other relationships really easily. Online dating has been really painful as of late and it has been dragging me down a lot.

I try and spend time with my dog too. She is a lot of fun and can help distract me from all the crap.

I pretty much agree with you on online dating Mitch. The approach to get it offline as quickly as possible is a great idea. It is actually something I've been trying but, at the moment, to no avail. Being ghosted is something I have had to go through quite a lot at the moment. It really is deflating and demoralising.

I am not so certain that it is rigged. I just feel the whole concept of dating is really distorted and we don't get a full picture of it in mainstream culture. It is often seen as a process that, with a little bit of work, will pay off. However, for people like us, it is a painful and arduous process where the amount of hard work we put in has very little to no payoff. I mean I don't think this would change anything but having different perspectives on this in mainstream society would be a nice change of pace.

Thank you my dude! It was challenging but somehow I managed to graduate despite 2020 being a complete write-off. I really hope that things work out with your future plans. Hopefully this year will allow you to be able to spend more time on mental health. That is 100% a priority and can affect other aspects of your life. You have always struck me as someone who is constantly trying to think of how to better yourself. I hope I am not wrong as I find that inspiring.

Talk soon

[Doolhof]

Hi Aaron, James Mitch and All reading,

It may not be very appropriate to wish you a Happy New Year as life has been tough on many fronts for so many people. So maybe, "hope you can make the most out of each day" may be more appropriate. That is going to be my motto for a while.

Relationships in general can be difficult, if you are in one or not there seems to be issues one way or another unless you find a perfect match! Not sure that happens too often.

Aaron, how did it feel at the MCG with restrictions? Did it feel weird or different? We used to go there a couple of times a year for footy or the cricket from S.A. I remember the feel of the crowd on a Boxing Day match, it was so alive!

Wish I had the words to share to encourage you all in regards to meeting new people and forming relationships. I'm in a relationship and guess there are times I take it for granted and wish I was elsewhere! Maybe I need to be more aware of what I do have!

Cheers to you all from Dools

[james1]

Hey Aaron,

I'm glad you got to get out! I managed to watch Pippin the musical before all our cases popped up again in Sydney, so I was pretty happy to get out for a night.

I'm pleased to hear that you were able to reflect a bit on NYE and find that 2020 wasn't a waste. I think it can be really easy to fall into the trap of seeing just the negative things that happened, when actually we learn a lot every single year. Taking time to reflect on that is really great, because you can feel just a little bit better about it and also because it can help some of those lessons sink in better.

Dools, I hope you are having a good start to the year!

James

[Azzdog]

Hey everyone,

Long time no chat. I thought I'd check in again as life has gotten to me again.

I didn't say anything earlier this year but I was in another relationship. It was with a friend of mine. To cut a long story short it didn't work out but good news is that we are still friends and working on that at the moment.

To put simply, I had really distressed at the moment right now because lockdown is in place again in Melbourne. I am really over it now. It is getting in the way of developing more skills in my career, continuing on with my music group, and developing more social skills. This can't keep going on as it is going, if it hasn't already, to cause a massive mental health crisis.

Another issue is that my lack of intimacy is really destroying me right now. The fact I am unable to be able to have sex right now after all the work I have done on myself is bringing me down a lot. I feel like I am back where I was in 2018. I have gone through so much over the past five years and I am still no closer to being able to have sex, or a healthy sex life. I haven't felt this low in a long, long time.

[smallwolf]

hi Aaron, long time no hear. Good to get an update from you. I did hear about the lockdown when it all started and then today I think it has been extended? Either way, it really sucks there is no reprieve from this. From when I started responded to you here, I also see a number of the changes that can be considered as improvements - music, another relationship,

I am not sure what I could say about the issues with intimacy and I am sure you have looked into this with experts. And with all the work you have done the feeling of not moving forward. 😞 ... Not sure if you remember the story I mentioned about the sheep in the paddock and from my own situations is that change is possible. I still have many other things to work on, but one fix is a start.