Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

I'm not shouting at you. I'm just angry at the amount of rejection I keep getting from women. I'm fed up with it.

Hi Paul it's good to hear from you.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron

Yeah. Tell me about it right? The pressure these sorts of things push on young people. Absurd. However, I believe it is possible to stand up despite it. Given that both of us have a discontent for that stuff, I think we can agree it's nonsense.

II can see that you understand your own reasoning processes. Like what took place with the psych. Sadly, I have had a similar experience. When I rocked up to the ED one day the psych was extremely condescending to the point of sarcasm. I told my current psych about this and he said that she mightve been trying to spark some sort of conversation. I get that, but it was poorly done on her part I thought.

Try to divorce the individual experiences you have with women from the way you believe all women will treat you. Collective groupings and their associated views or perspectives are ALWAYS a problem when you try to view yourself. Ground your self esteem and confidence in what individuals have said to you, done for you or similar.

II'm on a tight schedule. Today so I'll have to reply to the rest of your stuff this arvo.

Hope your appt goes okay buddy. Thinking of you at this time

[Quercus]

Hi Aaron,

Just finished work and thought I'd check to see if you are ok.

Hamsolo (Mitch) makes a very solid point... You have experienced rejection and yes it hurts. But every person you meet is a fresh start. It is very important to find out how to let this anger/disappointment/hurt go.

Tim mentioned shouting and although you aren't able to see why he felt this way... I can. You 'sound' angry even if it is unintentional and understandable.

Just think... If we can feel anger through words on a screen what about the women you write or speak to? When looking for a partner we search for every clue we can find about them. Not just the words they write or speak. If you are angry it comes through. If you are concealing anger there are hints to find. At the very least it is possible to sense that you are concealing something. And often that is enough to ring alarm bells.

Will you think about this please?

I will speak plainly even if it is hurtful... When I read your posts and they feel full of anger sometimes I am not able to reply. I feel intimidated and cautious.

What if women you meet feel like this too?

My gut says forget seeking a women and focus on building your own self esteem.

You mentioned I have validation because someone is attracted to me. This kind of validation I don't trust or rely on. I don't want my husband to tell me I'm beautiful or attractive. I want him to encourage me to feel this for myself.

Asking a partner to validate you is not only risky (there is huge potential for abuse) but it also is somewhat unattractive I've found. You ask why women are drawn to "bad" guys and I know one reason... They are usually confident and self assured. They don't need you to mother them or validate them. They are content to just be themselves. There is something exciting about knowing you are desired/wanted but not NEEDED.

Not sure if that makes any sense. I hope you are feeling somewhat more stable today.

nat

[Azzdog]

Hey you two,

I’ll reply to you later Mitch and no worries I’ll look forward to it.

Hey Nat. I sincerely apologise if I seem hard to talk to or if you feel intimidated by me. This last week has been the worst week of my entire life. I was very close to suicide this week and I felt very alone.

To your point about feeling mothered, I think that’s a misunderstanding due to how angry I’ve been. That’s not what I want to happen to me. My point is that I’m constantly rejected online and conversations just abruptly end without any reason whatsoever. Whenever I talk to women at Orygen or at uni or whatnot, I get on with them really well. It’s just nothing takes off. I get on really well with my female clinicians. One of them secretly said that she was my favourite in the groups (she told me not to say that to anyone but no one here knows who I am so yeah haha)

I guess I’m saying this because it is a lot more complicated then women seeing that I have anger issues and no matter how hard I try to hide them. I do get on with women and have good connections with some. I absolutely do not talk like how I’ve been on dating apps. I feel like I’ve been kind and interested in what they saying and what their into. It starts off well and then it ends abruptly. I don’t know why that is.

I’m sorry if I’ve come across as a jerk or an incredibly angry person to you all. I’m confused as to why I can’t make any headway despite having many people say I’m kind, intelligent, interesting, creative, you name it.

I had a friend who is a woman say to me that she is astounded that I don’t have a girlfriend. A lot of girls who are in relationships say they can’t believe I’m not. I thought it would be important to say that despite how bad you must think of me right now.

I’ve struggled a lot with these horrible feelings for the best part of eleven years and I am over it. That’s where I’m sitting at the moment. Again I’m really sorry I think I need today to work out what I need to do for working myself out

[Azzdog]

I just thought I would update everyone on the fact that I wrote a full fledged song on my computer. So this day wasn't a complete waste 😊

[smallwolf]

Rock On! \m/

That's one you can stick in a positives journal.

I am curious... is that lyrics, sound, both or ????

I hope that you meeting with your "treating team" went OK today.

FWIW, I also know what it is liked to feel judged or patronized by others. A recent incident in a Uni class resulted in me being very frustrated for about a week. My psychiatrist and psychologist were able to help me get over it. But the pain does hurt. Somehow we need to find ways of not letting it get to us. That is something I am still learning.

So I am wondering if you might be able to direct that energy into music? Bands like Metallica in the 80s did that sort of thing. Actually that was one of the reason for the rise of heavy metal in the 70s was in opposition to the hippie, peace and love and wanted to write music with a little social commentary.

Tim

[Quercus]

Sorry Aaron. I owe you an apology.

I feel really crap today and probably should have just kept my mouth shut rather than share toxic thoughts.

You're not a jerk. You're frustrated and tired of it. I can understand that.

I'm sorry that you've been feeling suicidal. It is not a good head space to be in (major understatement from someone who knows that space too well).

Someone told me advice is not always needed. Sometimes we just need to listen. I don't think I have been listening very well lately.

I'm wondering... If you had success with women do you think your thoughts would go away or would they be easier to manage?

Please take care of you. I'm glad you found your creativity again today.

[Lee lee 73]

Hi Azzdog,

I want to say - you're not alone matey.

No offence to people who have had relationships - but those that have, have absolutely NO idea what it's like to not.

I'm 45yrs old, I've never had a relationship and it is literally breaking my heart. The loneliness is hell - especially having been alone my whole life.

I have had sexual partners since I turned 30 but none of that came with any mutual care or love and now it just makes me feel I've been used.

Everything you said in your first post, I can so relate to Azzdog - apart from the fact I don't have autism.

Tried dating apps for the last 3 yrs;

Sick of the clichés :it will happen, stop looking it will happen - you're so lucky to be single -( feel like telling them to leave their partners then if I'm so lucky).

I've had chronic depression for 10yrs now. I truly believe these days it is because I'm fedup with being alone. my family are toxic so they're no help.

It's a couples world. I can't listen to radio stations, watch normal telly, go out and socialise or just go shopping - it's in your face too much. And yes I'm the first to admit I'm so damn angry with my life.

So sorry if I'm ranting on about myself, I don't mean to. I guess I just wanted to let you know I can relate to almost everything you're feeling. I'm here if you ever need to chat. Xx

[PamelaR]

Hi Azzdog

It’s been awhile since I’ve written to you Azzdog, though I’ve been listening.

Great to hear you’ve written some music. Music is good for the soul. Also incredibly creative. I tried it the other day - total dismal failure. First time ever. Have no idea how to make that GarageBand work program work.

What have you learnt over the years to help manage your anger when it builds up? Write music? Write here or other places?

How do you think your anger is connected to your thinking processes?

You are highly intelligent, doing a masters in teaching is awesome. Your have some very bright and good ideas that no one is listening to, e.g. the psych at Orygen. That can cause frustration along with the thoughts about yourself image. And this self image are thoughts that no one will want you now or ever, even though you are able to have friendships, discussions etc.

I agree those talk show hosts have no idea about the realities of the world. I stopped listening to them so long ago. They used to upset me, get me angry. They’re naive and ignorant. Believe they speak for everyone. But they don’t. Not for me.

It’s the same with the people you’re dealing with a Orygen. Some people are so condescending, I’ve worked with quite a few over my life and they too made me angry and upset.

So, about 20 years ago I stopped and looked at myself, how I thought about things, people and life in general. I began to change my thought processes. Had to - otherwise I’d end up a bitter, twisted person who would suicide.

I’m happy these days - don’t listen to talk shows, news, current affair programs. Switch off my brain when I begin to get agitated by those around me by what they say, do, how they look at me.

Big thing I found, I can control my brain. I can stop those thoughts I don’t want. I found metacognitive therapy, along with loads of other therapies. This one though helped me move out of my repetitive cycle of going over and over the same things, that caused frustration, anger and anxiety.

Hey Azzdog, not sure if I’ve helped or inflamed. I just want you to know we all do care very much for you. That’s why we keep coming back.

Let us know how your visit with the medical team go.

BTW - you’re no jerk. Just someone like many of us.

Kind regards
Pamela.

[geoff]

Hi Azzdog, at the moment I'm up to page 3, but for me, your problem is crystal clear, let me read the other pages when I have time.

Geoff.