Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Thanks man for your kind words. It means a lot to me.

Unfortunately I've slipped again. I feel very ugly and unloveable right now. I'm sick of being rejected by women and and I am not in a good way at all.

I've had enough.

It's not fair.

I am sick of being a loser.

Everyone I know is in a relationship except for me. It's a shit existence but its fine to reject me because I am hideously ugly and have a boring personality.

I have no hope.

[Azzdog]

I feel so damn sad at this point. I don't know what do anymore. Women have always hated me. I'm having a problem with my former psychologist who treated me like crap. It makes me think if a female psychologist can do that to me, how else can women can mistreat me out there?

I feel so suicidal at the moment. I feel so alone and no one gives a damn about whats happened. Its an absolute disgrace. Guys can treat women like shit and yet women still chase after them. Nice guys ALWAYS finish last. What a messed up planet we live. It brings a tear to your eye.

I can't handle this world anymore. WHAT DO WOMEN WANT FROM ME??????????????????

[Quercus]

Hi Aaron,

Right I'm going to say it even if it offends you. This part is complete and utter BS...

"its fine to reject me because I am hideously ugly and have a boring personality"

Bollocks! An unhelpful thought planted in your mind via low self esteem and enhanced and magnified by anxiety and depression.

You experience body dysmorphia. Your view of your own reflection is tainted by how you feel inside. I understand and relate to this.

I suspect you will reject this saying we (obviously) don't know what you look like. My suggestion is to ask someone offline who you respect and trust for a truthful opinion. I have done this before and the response can hurt but it is important. My husband said I am not beautiful in a classical sense but I'm also not hideous as how I feel inside. His honesty hurt but helped too.

Personality we can speak about. There is nothing wrong with your personality. You're not boring.

This is a slump Aaron. I mentioned it's ok if you feel positive and hopeful and then crash again. It happens to everyone. The crappy cycle of mental illness and self doubt and attempting to build self esteem and life generally. It will pass eventually.

Right now it is time to self care and make sure you are safe. Wait this slump out and try again once you feel more stable. Are you home from hospital? Who around you can you ask to help distract you?

I'm sorry you feel so low. It is a horrible place to be in please reach out to your medical team, friends, family and here and take good care of yourself Aaron.

[Azzdog]

Hey Nat,

I don't want to be difficult here but this is the predicament that I'm in.

My medical team are not available until tomorrow. We having a discussion about a former psychologist I had who treated me unfairly and it has caused two hospital admissions. The psychologist is a female which makes me wonder why I am treated so badly by women. It is astounding.

I can't reach out to friends because they find this all overwhelming. I almost lost my best friend three days ago because he diminished how I was feeling, despite it being a seventh admission into hospital in eight months. We patched things up but I'm not so sure he really is a true friend anymore so I am going to distance myself from him for now.

I am home from hospital and I have my family around me. I am going to try and study and exercise today.

Here is my opinion on what your husband said to you about your body image. I hope you are not offended by this at all. I am actually astounded he said that. I'm glad you took it okay but my god if someone said that to me... He is meant to be your partner in crime and he said that? There is something here I'm missing because I don't think thats an appropriate thing to say to someone who has body image issues. That would kill me if they said that.

Another thing I would add to that, and something to remember here, is that you have a husband. You have someone who finds you physically attractive. That is something to hold your hat on. I know its easier said than done but thats proof that you are not as hideously ugly as you think you are. You have an objective fact, validated proof, that you can be physically attractive to someone. I have never had a girlfriend. I do not have a girlfriend right now. I have been rejected time and time again by women on dating sites. People tell me I'm young but thats missing the point. I have no objective proof that I can be attractive. That's the difference between you and me. I'm sorry if I sound harsh at all but thats what people in relationships constantly miss. You have something in your life that people try their entire lives to get and they never achieve it. Thats going to be me I can assure you. I may not be boring according to some here but what about a girl my age who can appreciate the things I like? Is she out there? Damned if I know. I want you to know I am not having a go at you, but just the cliches that people in relationships use.

[smallwolf]

Aaron,

You stand before two reflection pools of water.

One pool of water shows you how you see yourself. The other pool of water shows you as you really are.

For some people the what they see in both pools are the same. Whether that is anger, hate, love, etc.

For some people the what they see in one pool of water can be the opposite of what they see in the other. A person of beauty (regardless of gender) on the outside may show insecurity on the inside or even hate.

Unfortunately, you cannot look into the first pool of water. It is muddy. There is nothing you can do to clean it, and any attempt to look in it distorts the image.

You can look into the second pool of water. When you look into this pool of water the following words pop out, articulate, intelligent, interesting, respect, equality.

The problem is that the view from the first pool of water is what we might concentrate on, never seeing our true self in the second pool of water.

I was wondering if you might be able to download an onto your phone called virtual hope box. Inside there you will find a distraction tool in the form of a word search. Are you able to complete the word search a few times? What do you notice about the words that you have to find. As you look for each word, do not think about it in terms of something physical, rather in psychological or spiritual definition?

Tim

[Azzdog]

The evidence for me being those lovely things you said doesn't really exist when it comes to women and how they treat me. Too often they just ignore me and make me feel invisible. Then, they chase after the morons. The ones who can't think and take them for granted. When they get their hearts broken they have the audacity to blame all men. It's a disgrace.

I believe I have been those things for years. I try to display them over dating apps. Guess what? Nothing happens. Absolutely nothing. I know there are guys who have nothing special about them who get likes all the time, but me? Not a chance. I am so freaking angry over this. There are no body image groups in Victoria, there are no sexual health groups in Victoria and any attempt I've made to form one has been shut down repeatedly. I feel very alone on this issue. I feel very isolated on this issue. I hate myself so much and its societies fault for making dating so ridiculously hard. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO TO MAKE WOMEN ATTRACTED TO ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't drink alcohol, I live a very clean life BUT THAT MAKES NO FREAKING DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT WOMEN WANT FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DO I CHANGE THINGS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron

Sorry to hear you have crashed/slumped. Those are the toughest moments. As hard as it is to hear it, they must be waited out. There are moments and times where we can only do one thing and this is one of those moments.

Right, so you heard stuff on the radio? I empathise. Similar thing happened to me about 6 months back. They were talking about how many partners were too much or something. Then they started talking about how their sexual technique was to blame or some rubbish. Sounds like a similar experience to yours. I reckon you summed radio up rather well too lol. I agree. It's a dying medium. They produce crap like this to stimulate attention and interest in an already depressing situation. Again, this comes back to the point we were talking about the other day vis a vie marketing.

I think you might need to reconsider your attitude towards yourself. You were just the other day talking about changes etc you were gonna make. That's indicative of what you want to do to improve your situation in your life. That shows strength and clarity. Character traits which are rare these days.

I am as annoyed as you are with the cultural insistence on appearance. It's damaging.

WHat happened with your psych? All good if you don't wanna talk about it though. I personally prefer male psychs coz I can relate to the better. Only ever saw one fake psych and she was too old for me anyway, also religious which didn't help.

The experience you have with her isnt a reason to think women will mistreat you. I know what's going through your mind though.

Simply put, nice guys finish last but here is the rub (to quote Shakespeare) you gotta focus on being a good guy. That's the opposite of a bad guy. A good guy. Not a nice guy.

Be a guy with a good attitude towards himself first and foremost. You owe no one and no one owes you. You are free to enjoy your life my friend.

You already made me feel better from what you wrote the other day about getting things sorted out like all those things you were gonna do. Just go and do them man. Do the crap out of them. Just focus on your own self.

Appearance? Yeah not gonna lie, it matters. But in the end if you have the right, good attitude then that trumps all. So the bad guys get the girls? So what. Their lives are fickle nonsense. Don't let envy bring you down too. Why be envious of the guy who gets laid all the time? His life is as boring and sullen as it could be. You want to aspire to more clearly. Then just do that man.

[Azzdog]

Hey man,

Yeah I have crashed big time. God this is horrible. I see my treating team tomorrow and I can't say I'll be in a good mood then. I'm wondering about how I'm going to handle it. It'll probably be messy.

The radio talk show hosts don't sound like their grounded in reality. It makes me sick to think of the damage they are causing to all the young people out there who struggle with this kind of thing. I don't really know what else there is to say. It's an awful world we live in where the people like myself are trampled on.

Simply put, she was condescending, patronising, repeatedly dismissed ideas of starting a body image group at Orygen, was constantly 20-25 minutes late to sessions meaning we barely did any therapy, and ignored all my repeated attempts to change psychs. This has been going on for far too long and it has seriously damaged my mental health and how I believe women treat me.

To what you said Nat, I simply can't begin to express how much more going for you you have than I do. You have someone who finds you physically attractive. I don't. Thats the difference. There's an objective fact that you do belong and exist in this world. I don't believe I do. I am ugly as sin and deserve to be treated badly accordingly.

To Tim, I tried using the app and the word search was a good distraction for what its worth. I don't know how much I'll get out of it because I've been given so many apps that just don't seem to work for me. Those traits you listed about me are traits I've worked on for years. Guess what? No one gives a damn about them. I am so stuck at the moment. Its because women find me so unappealing and unattractive. I'm going to take my medication tonight and just hope that something of substance happens tomorrow. This life is exhausting. I hate everything. I hate everyone

[blondguy]

Hello Aaron

I am posting very late in your thread. I just wanted to say thankyou for being a part of the forum family...You are a very important part of what we are trying to achieve. Hopefully we can help you find some peace 🙂

There has been huge support for you from many members above. There are no experts on the forums.....just people like you and I that are/have been in a dark place...

Im Paul and its good to meet you. I take antidepressants and have had counseling after 36 years of anxiety followed by depression.

I hope that you have some peace in your sleep

here for you Aaron

Paul

[smallwolf]

Will only reply to your final comment at the moment... You said that you tried the app. Good. But the very first time I used it... it did nothing for me. Instead I played it about 3-5 times in a row and then noticed a change. Please don't give up on it yet.

Also, you say that you hate everyone. And here we still are. Together. Virtually. Helping?

As for your shouting (?) at me... I wish I knew he answers. But I do not. But I will still be here with you on this journey.