Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Hey Croix,

Thanks for the feedback. I am trying to broaden my horizons and learn a few new skills along the way.

Good idea. I'll aim to include that as well. Probably music because it means a lot to me.

I get discharged on Saturday which was my decision. I only want a short admission because a longer one would make discharge harder.

Are you referring to dating profiles when you say people don't share personal details? I wasn't entirely sure what you meant?

Thanks. It is very much appreciated 😊

Aaron

[HamSolo01]

Hey Azzdog

What Nat said here is essential: "Being different isn't a bad thing. Being a "loser" isn't unattractive. I
think it is owning who you are that people are curious about." She always has wise words. What are you doing for you?

I googled Orygen. That sounds awesome. Really good program. You should check out an organisation called Batyr. They are a nationwide charity, doing very similar work too.

You are exactly on point when you say this:

"I think your comment about owning who you are is important. I'm not
always that confident in myself and for year, I didn't have much of a
personality which made it hard for me to make friends. Maybe I should
just sod it all and just own who I am, like you did with your gardening.
Who cares if some find it boring? YOU find it interesting and that
should be all that matters. Who cares if some people find punk too
abrasive? I find it interesting and that should be all that matters. If I
own it then people will be curious in me."

Lol who really cares if you haven't slept with someone? Does it even matter? I mean the universe is calamitous enough as it is, people are weird yet wonderful and there is so much more to be seen. Not had sex? Oh well big whoop. However, it sounds like what you want is actually companionship? Not just sex, but like the actual connection. A human need I think. That's a perfectly natural thing. However, a good deal of modern pop culture would have you believe that this sort of thing is just readily available.. and if you don't have then there MUST be something wrong with you. Nonsense.

James said it well: "The more voices we listen to the greater our appreciation of the real facts about the world." This is because we are all individuals with a unique story. Hold onto that. What else can we be assured of?

[HamSolo01]

Life is a crazy old thing Aaron and you can see that through a lot of what people are saying here.

Only march to the tempo of your own drum. You like history and punk? GOOD! More of it. It proves you are an individual and you ought to take pride in that my friend.

I was in the same boat this time probably 2 years back. I've since finished my degree and I'm going to China for a year next year to teach English. Travelling will defs be part of it. I chose to do it because I've not travelled on my own before. I'm only young once and I want to see other parts of the world. I was originally thinking "I need a full time job, need to move out, need to do this" and then it was like "according to who?" These next few months I'll be doing some work with batyr - a mental health charity. Talking at schools and unis. The point is, that things WILL get better. Because they CAN get better. It's amazing how much changes when you put in the SLIGHTEST bit of effort. I got a shitty job at the start of the year at my uni in the alumni call centre - but it taught me so much, my attitudinal change made all the difference while I was there in order to make it bearable. I only had my first kiss last year. While everyone else probably had it in high school. I remember telling the girl and she was kinda surprised because everyone usually has one in high school. Turns out hers was with some random she met at a pub. It's just how it is. We went on a date but nothing came of it. Probably alcohol helped lol. But the point is, I had waited all that time and then the moment was there. On the night I met this girl. Even though nothing came of it, it was an experience that I take. The reason I tell you this isn't to boast, but to show you that it's not going to be any different for you. Just make a few changes here and there and things change for the good.

One thing I don't miss from my religious days are the expectations. Expectations are weird old things. I think we should only put reasonable expectations on ourselves and that's it. Set goals and reach for them. Realise that life ain't easy, but that doesn't mean it has to be terrible. I'm a big fan of quotes too:

Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.

I still have more lol.... the next one will be much shorter

[HamSolo01]

That was a Voltaire quote btw.

So yeah man, honestly just take baby steps in the right direction. Don't over do it. Just steady on.

NEVER underestimate the power of babysteps in the right direction. NEVER. NEVAAAAAA!!!

Lol. Anyways. It's been great to see you build up some self motivation through what you've said.

Always know that my thread is a few clicks away and I honestly think a lot of what I've been through can be related to your story. Just keep on keeping on man. You are going to be alright.

[HamSolo01]

Oh yeah, a point of clarity - the whole "things will change for the good" is conditional on you just doing the smallest bit of good for yourself. Like, it won't just change on its own. That's maxim-talk and I think we agree that this type of talk is nonsense. Lol

[Quercus]

Hi Aaron (and a wave to your many friends here... Still think you're boring? Nope).

I like your list. It made me smile and I needed that today.

Hope it's ok if I add some ideas...

• Check out toastmasters or a similar public speaking group. Intimidating but it will also help you develop your confidence in conversation.
• Talk to strangers. All the time. I do this daily. People sometimes think I'm nuts but I don't care. I've met some truly lovely people doing this. Is it hard? At first. But keep in mind they're strangers. If you embarrass yourself oh well try again. It does work.
• For some reason I am always a random photographer. If I see a group of friends it always makes me sad to think one friend will always miss out on being in the photo. So I ask if they would like a photo. Yes occassionally I get weird looks but nearly always people are so happy and appreciative and I get to have a chat and a laugh.
• Hiking/bushwalking/trailbiking/wildflower hunting... Pick a nature spot and go explore. Talk to people you meet. Again a camera is your best friend. You don't need company if you are exploring. Also you'll meet tourists who you can introduce to other awesome local sights.
• Volunteer. I have had the opportunity to volunteer for BB and I've met some wonderful people who otherwise I wouldn't have crossed paths with.
• Ask people you know to help introduce you to others. Tag along to a dinner or movie. Good mates will understand you are awkward and they will help you. If they don't it's time to meet decent friends.
• Check out the community events in your local library or noticeboards. Farmers markets, food festivals, any local events... Get out and try new things.

Ok that's my thoughts spewed out for today. I hope the positive enthusiasm stays with you. It's ok if it doesn't though we all go through the cycles of ups and downs. We just keep trying.

Thank you for the smile.

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

I loved your attitude on popular culture on the idea that sex is just readily available out there for you. Its not. I'm starting to learn that and maybe these forums have helped as well. It's modern society and the ridiculous reality shows that are on tv. They're not grounded in objective fact. Live varies differently for a lot of people and a lot of people struggle to find someone. That should be viewed as the norm. We should shout it from the rooftops to make everyone who feels this way feel more positive about their situation. Like the girl who was surprised you hadn't had your first kiss yet. We, as a society, take it for granted and are used to it being a given that it would happen during high school. We watch all these movies and tv shows which drum it all into our heads.

I'm happy to be an individual. In fact, I'm proud of it. I don't like trends and anything like that because it highlights how disposable our culture can be. The real strength of something is it retains its relevance and power even years after it was first "trendy". I'm focusing on myself at the moment. When I get discharged tomorrow I am going to try and get out there more. Start exercising again and challenge myself. Not too hard but enough to keep me on my toes.

I will have a look at batyr. I really want to start getting active in my community on issues relating to mental health.

Thanks for all the comments as well dude. I hope things getting improving for you as well 😊

[Azzdog]

Hey Nat,

Thanks for all the suggestions. I will definitely look into the one about the local community and looking at libraries. I have one near me so I'll go and check that out.

I'm glad I made you smile and you don't think I'm boring. It means so much to me considering I'm still at hospital haha. Hopefully there is a change here for the better.

Aaron ❤️

[HamSolo01]

"It's modern society and the ridiculous reality shows that are on tv. They're not grounded in objective fact. Live varies differently for a lot of people and a lot of people struggle to find someone...We, as a society, take it for granted and are used to it being a given that it would happen during high school. We watch all these movies and
tv shows which drum it all into our heads."

*Hamsolo01 stands up and claps his hands*

You know, we could also apply that to virginity as well actually. In the end who really cares right?

Also, this is extremely well put: "I don't like trends and anything like that because it highlights how disposable our culture can be." I can't agree more with you on that one.

Glad to see you are on a bit more of a positive keel. All the best with it my friend. Hope you keep us updated over the next little while.

[Azzdog]

Hey man,

Thanks for the positive feedback. Means a lot.

Our culture is disposable. It is positively vain and vapid where the intrinsic quality of someone is too often ignored. We are very quick to judge and nice guys definitely do finish last. I am living proof of that.

Sorry for the depressing message but I have crashed big time. I feel pathetic and such a massive loser. I can't sleep at the moment because I am wondering about if its ever going to happen. I was at work where they playing the Fox FM and, as you can imagine, the music on there was atrocious and triggering. But the radio hosts didn't make it any better by having a very flippant attitude towards sex and having a relationship. It is so easy for them isn't it? To have a boring mainstream taste in music while having a very superficial view of the world. No wonder radio is dying out. Who can listen to this people and take them seriously? They don't even sound real.

I so damn depressed right now. I feel like physically abusing myself because I'm not sure a woman will ever find my face attractive. For all those in a relationship, don't take it for granted, because some of us may never experience it. I have wanted to end my life a thousand times the last month from the amount of rejection I have taken from women. I hate this planet and I hate everyone. I feel hideously ugly and utterly repulsive right now. I feel boring and downright like a pathetic human being. What do women want in a relationship is legit a brainteaser. I could solve world hunger and it wouldn't mean anything to a woman. They would just date the next moron they saw on the street. I feel dead inside.