Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Hey Nat,

Thank you for thinking of me. Yes I am in hospital at the moment. I am safe. I do feel a bit silly at the moment because its my seventh time in 8 months. I think I need to be more proactive in managing my thoughts and get my life on track somehow.

I guess the one thing that doesn't help me was, initially (this doesn't happen anymore), the platitudes and cliches that were given. "The moment you stop looking you'll find one", "its just around the corner", stuff like that.

The loop that Croix is interesting because its something my psychologist had mentioned quite recently. Its something I need to drum into my brain. I don't want to live the rest of my life in therapy. I want to be independent as some point in my life and not rely on others.

I have been trying to stand up for myself a bit more these days. I have never believed that you could demand for it but I think standing up for yourself is different to demanding for it per se. Letting people know in a kind but firm way that being treated disrespectfully is not acceptable. I am struggling a lot with rejection and I'm with you on that. I am too a people-pleaser and I find it so hard to do it when my self-esteem is really low as well. I'm at my best when I'm making people laugh and make them happy.

I think your comment about owning who you are is important. I'm not always that confident in myself and for year, I didn't have much of a personality which made it hard for me to make friends. Maybe I should just sod it all and just own who I am, like you did with your gardening. Who cares if some find it boring? YOU find it interesting and that should be all that matters. Who cares if some people find punk too abrasive? I find it interesting and that should be all that matters. If I own it then people will be curious in me.

I know I've mentioned it a lot but music is very important. I have a musical project that I am working on as a hobby and I am doing that just for me. I often lack motivation for it but its something I hope I will be able to finish one day.

[james1]

Hehehe I've always found maturity to be such a funny concept. I've caught myself out so many times in my life thinking I'm more mature. Perhaps I am, or perhaps I'm just older lol.

Besides, I'd say we become, in many ways, more immature as we grow older: we become set in our ways, we have a dreadful attention span, we hold onto jealousy like a long lost lover...What a fine species we are 😛

But in all seriousness, you're doing the right thing by speaking to your friend's girlfriend. I've really loved hearing the opinions of the women on this thread as I think it's been so important to the discussion.

I think I mentioned before that the experiences we each have had may have been really terrible, but they're only a small representation of what is out there in the world.

There are women who are also unloved, men who are unloved, there are relationships which turn out worse than had they never started, then there are also the amazing ones between two amazing people. There are people who, in the end, turn out single and better for it.

The more voices we listen to the greater our appreciation of the real facts about the world. And perhaps that can influence our feelings about ourselves and our future which, while also real, may not be true.

[james1]

Hello aaron,

You said something to Quercus about not being confident in yourself and not having a personality for a little while and made me think of something.

Throughout your posts, I have felt a sense of discontent with who you are. You've expressed an insecurity about your hobbies and your personality.

If you haven't had the chance to develop that and you have only recently just been able to express these, then it makes so much sense why you may feel so unsure about yourself.

You are still learning who you are at, perhaps, quite a fundamental level.

Stepping away from the dating scene is probably a good choice if this is where you are at and I think how you have been feeling is probably your body's way of telling you that. It is very hard to date when you are still coming to terms with your interests and your personality. It's not impossible, but it is hard - without, as you say, being able to truly own who you are, how will you fare when others start unfairly putting their expectations on you?

Anyway, good on you for recognising that lack of confidence. It takes, ironically, a lot of confidence to admit.

[Azzdog]

Hey James,

I don't think there is anything wrong with immaturity at all. I like to think that we never really grow up at all and there is a little kid inside ourselves that will laugh at the most mundane things. I think its a little healthy actually to have that.

I once said to my psychologist that I hate the things I like. I hate the fact that I'm into punk music or history because I can't find many people who I can relate to on those subjects. Honestly, over whats happened the last few days, I really couldn't care less anymore. This is who I am and and I should be proud of that. I'm sick of being ashamed of who I am and its time to start owning it.

I seem to relish a bit when people put expectations on me. In some ways it makes me a better person that I have to mature a little bit more just to handle the situation.

I think I am learning who I am its just taken a lot longer than I would have liked to have been. Hopefully over what has happened this year it makes me into stronger person.

[supportiveother]

Hey Azzdog,

I just wanted to touch on when you wrote "I was at a petrol station once where I saw a guy pushing his wife around and berating her in public." and I completely agree. If you treat women with kindness and respect and as your equal, you are 100% better than those men. Unfortunately you can't think of it like the women chose that man over you because of anything you did. Women who stay in relationships with emotionally and physically abusive men, or even men who are just plain disrespectful, generally do so because they feel powerless. It is incredibly difficult as a women to stand up to certain kinds of men especially one who is physically stronger you.

I just wanted to point that out, because honestly you seem like a genuinely nice guy. Perhaps your uniqueness means it will just take a little longer to find another unique soul who appreciates you for you? Certainly don't give up! I wish I could give you more advice but I honestly think you're doing the right thing, you're putting yourself out there and having a go and thats not easy!

One last comment about using dating apps etc., when you're swiping right or left on someones looks it becomes solely about looks, have you tried sites more geared towards actually finding a relationship rather than hook up apps? I've heard those more "serious" sites can sometimes offer more success but again, remember that theres a lot of "bots" planted on those sites. I've often struggled with my body image but its so important not to attach that to your self worth. Loving yourself is so important when you want to learn to love someone else.

Good luck in your search, she's out there somewhere!

M x

[Azzdog]

Hey supportiveother,

I think I should clarify. I don't believe that she chose him over her specifically but I always wonder how they got together in the first place? Maybe this is just my experience but I've been around those kind of guys long enough to be able to spot them out from mile away. They have this awful swagger about them that I don't like. Maybe its just my bad experiences getting to me but I feel like those kind of guys take their girlfriends for granted in that way. I certainly wouldn't.

I full acknowledge that it is extremely hard for a woman to leave an abusive relationship and I am not certainly not blaming her for anything. I just wonder why these kinds of men are allowed to be in relationships when there are genuinely nice guys out there who can't get girlfriends because of social anxiety, autism, or introversion. I think that is my point? I hope you understand haha

I have tried other dating apps as well, like eharmony and the like. I haven't got much out of them either. That is why I believe I am not good looking or I have a boring personality. I have decided that the apps are just not worth it right now. They make me really upset and they put too much focus on how someone looks rather than their personality, which is much more important. I think you're right. I am a self-described old soul and I'm a lot different to other guys you would meet. I don't drink alcohol because of my illness, I don't do drugs or smoke. I'm a straight edge and I prefer to live a clean lifestyle that doesn't destroy my internal organs.

[Azzdog]

So I have come up with a bit of a plan. I am wondering what everyone thinks of it and if anyone has anything to add?

When I get discharged I plan to

- Get into a boardgames group

- Get into a cooking group

- Contact a boxing class

- Try to have fast food meals at the restaurant rather than takeaway

- At a shop make small talk with the cashier

- Walk around a major shopping centre with headphones in

- Start a study group for one of the subjects

- Do more social things with the friends I've made through Headspace and Orygen

How does that sound like a plan? Does anyone have any other ideas that I could add to this list?

Aaron

[supportiveother]

Hi Azzdog,

I think I do understand your point and I didn't mean to imply that you were diminishing abusive relationships etc. I just mean that women who have been through that and come out the other side probably would acknowledge later that someone like you is a far better choice! So I don't want you to think that you're single because theres something wrong with you.

I wouldn't take dating app rejection as a rejection of you or think that it means you're ugly. The problem with these apps is like you said, they put far too much emphasis on looks and perfectly nice looking people are passed up because the swipe culture has allowed people to think "someone better might come along".

Your plan certainly sounds good! Try to enjoy your life and fill your days with activities you enjoy and you might surprise yourself and meet someone great. A friend of mine is really into board games like D&D and plays at board game stores etc and loves it and has made many friends doing it! Most people meet their significant others my some chance social gathering. I met my partner at the supermarket I work at!

Good luck in your recovery, I think focusing on enjoying yourself is a great idea!

M x

[Azzdog]

Hey supportiveother,

Oh no I didn't take it that way at all! I just wish those kind of men would understand that their behaviour affects everyone in the community, not just the victim. It's important to have these conversations because empowering women and feminism also empowers men as well. I just wish more people knew that.

The swipe culture is a bit of a problem as it places too much emphasis on looks and doesn't acknowledge what a person's personality is. Some women on dating apps only have emojis in their profile or nothing at all! What kind of a bio is that? It doesn't tell me much but it does tell me that they are a bit vapid and vain. I would only swipe right on women who had interesting or humorous bios. That says a lot about a person.

I hope that through this plan I will be able to just expand my social life a bit. Maybe that should be the focus for now. Thank you for your support though! It is much appreciated.

Aaron

[Croix]

Dear Aaron~

I think your plan is great! The fact you are planning on such improvements is great, also the fact you are not just relying upon one thing.

If it was me I'd include something for a quiet time by myself. A hobby, book, movie time, music, dunno, whatever suits you. Have something to look forward to at home.

Any idea how long before you are discharged?

Incidentally people do not put up photos or personal details for lots of reasons, shyness or bad experiences being a couple of biggies.

I'm sending you good thoughts about that plan working out.

Croix