Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Hey James,

So I'm at hospital and I do feel safe here. Its a place I've been to before and I know the people here. This is not a sustainable solution so I need to get better at sitting with the bad feelings.

I don't think that all rejection is personal but I guess I get so confused as to what the problem was? It makes me wonder as to whether its my personality or the way I look. I have decided to take a break from dating sites. I'm starting to think about what I really get out from them. They're clearly designed for a certain kind of person and thats not me. I'll need to readjust and reevaluate for the time being.

Dating coaches annoy me, as I stated previously. I struggle to see their value. Sure I'm not denying their ability to work for some, but they don't work for all. Thats a really big problem because a large base of their consumers are probably vulnerable young men who just want to be with a girl. They have to pay ridiculous amounts of money for something that is naturally not going to work for everyone. Its a soul destroying premise because if its so good, you would do it for free because there are so many men that would be grateful to have a universal dating manual. That doesn't exist because human relationships don't work like that.

I am going to try harder to work on myself a bit. I need to do that for a bit before I try anything really taxing on the mind.

[Azzdog]

To answer some of your other questions Mitch,

When I say that I think I give, give and give and people use this as an excuse to walk over me, this is what I mean. I am someone who is a good listener. When the other person has something to say, I listen intently and ask questions the show I'm interested and because its polite. I remember specific examples in high school when a friend of mine was having some girlfriend trouble. He was horrible to be around at the time but I stuck by him because he was going through a rough time. When he managed to pull through it, I remember having my own crisis. My grandmother had just been committed to an aged care home because of her dementia. When I told him about this, I kid you not, was his reply.

"Oh thats cool", and he just walked off.

Thats one example of many I could use but that one always struck out to me because it is a great example of the kind of man he is. Really self-absorbed and has no time for your problems unless your a woman he finds attractive. Its sad really but it really hurt at the time, and still does.

I do exercise, however, I haven't done much recently because my health has been so poor. I like to play guitar to help with my thoughts and watch videos on youtube. I also play with my dogs as well. I wish I had a more active social life that help balance that out as well. Something to work on.

Listening to heavy music at the moment helps with my levels of serotonin. I also take meds for it as well. I am passionate about being a very personable teacher who can relate to his students. The teachers I liked at high school were the ones you could have a bit of banter with. It may not necessarily look like it at the moment but I love some bantz. Its a great way to connect with others humour. Its something I'm working really hard at the moment in the groups at Orygen. Its the person I want to be and I hate being angry, particularly on this forum, because it is absolutely not who I am.

I am familiar a bit with Jordan Peterson but I might look him up. I think there is an attack on things that are masculine but whats the point? Who cares if something is masculine and something is feminine? I don't really like stereotypes because it implies people can't do things based on their gender. A woman can front a heavy metal band and a man can be a house husband.

Even more to come haha

[Azzdog]

I've been on like 4-6 dates. None of them were fun or great. Sort of knew in the first 10-15 minutes it wasn't going to work and I took that personally. I guess its weird. You can be so good on the app but struggle so much in person to talk with them. Like I mean together. It shows that there is a clear difference between online and in-person communication. It makes me wonder what it will take to have that perfect date? Maybe I need to do some self-care before I can get there.

Haha I like that phrase "reformed high school loser", if you don't mind I may use that from now on haha. That sums up high school for me totally.

Thanks for your help man and I hope to here from you more. I'm interested as to what you've don personally to get yourself to a point where being a virgin doesn't matter to you much?

[KittyCat23]

Here I am a late 40's woman who has been universally unattractive to men. There has never been a time in my life where any man has sought my attention. My point? It happens. Some people really do live and die without partners. For all the talk about someone out there for everyone and inner beauty, they're lies. The truth is outer beauty matters, a lot. It matters incredibly if you are female. I've never found a man that was interested in my inner beauty on any level. Not even comparably ugly men.

The sad fact of life is that looks matter a lot when it comes to sex. Many of us don't win the genetic lottery on that count and some of us even get the raw end of the deal. We have to find ways to cope with the double helix we were given.

[Azzdog]

Hey supportiveother,

Thanks for joining in the conversation. Having a female's perspective is really beneficial right now for me.

As I've said, I really don't like platitudes. It's like they can't be bothered so here are some really broad statements that will hopefully make you feel better but they can't be bothered doing the hard work to sit with you and help you through it. I am fascinated by the fact that women are bombarded with messages on dating apps. I wish someone had told me that before I starting using them. I probably wouldn't have bothered. It's just too much to take in at the moment.

I am accepting of others but I feel that others have not been accepting of me, which is the reason why I hate myself. I don't try to bring others down but I am curious in why certain men get women and others don't. I believe everyone deserves love and happiness but I feel some men take their girlfriends for granted. I was at a petrol station once where I saw a guy pushing his wife around and berating her in public. THERE the people I take exception to. I think its a cultural problem that no one is addressing. There are people who do take their life because they may never meet someone but there are guys who do take advantage of their partners and treat them like crap. Thats so unfair and we need to be talking about it more.

I'm glad you think I'm not boring. I hope I do meet the right person sooner rather than later. It seems like a farfetched idea at the moment. I probably do project my negative thoughts into the way people see me but its like it keeps happening a lot. Its really hard to take being rejected, in whatever scenario, particularly when you see men take their girlfriends for granted.

[Azzdog]

Hey KittyCat23,

That is so depressing, my god, I am so sorry to hear that. That has made me incredibly depressed. With all due respect I don't want to be in my late 40s and have never had a partner. That makes me really sick.

[HamSolo01]

Hey

Honestly I think what worked was not hanging out with people who gave a shit about it. Virginity that is. I have three high school mates who I'm still friends with but tbh I'm getting sick of it. It feels like an anchor weighing me down. I don't see why someone's sexual history is relevant for friendships. If people base it on that then they can take a hike. My approach probably sounds rather confronting however that's what I've had to change in order to actually improve my mental health. I call it getting some gusto. Like.. Idk how to explain it. Like self respect probably? I have a voice and my own life and my worthiness do I'm gonna stand up for it. Teeth? I'm not too sure.

The whole virginity thing started when I was religious. Obviously they teach no sex before marriage. Dating is only for marriage. You gotta have kids etc. Its totalitarian nonsense. Once I quit the faith, I expected that things would be easier. Including my love life. The reality however is that it's probably typical of someone my age anyway.

Admittedly the average age of losing your virginity is about 19 or so. But then that's an average. Not my own experience. One thing I love about Peterson is his insistence on focusing on personal development and realising you are an individual above all else. That's not to nullify the importance of being connected. Unfettered individualism is a massive issue - also why men suicide too I think.

I could launch into a discussion about gender and social studies, expectations and all this but hey that's for another time. However I think that it has a role to play here. For the better but also maybe the worse. Specifically though, sex is crucial to this - I remember sitting in a class at uni they were talking about dominatrixes and all that and masculine notions of sexuality and I'm sitting there..... Just like "yeah this ain't my experience". I think that's also why I was able to move past worrying about it.

Like I used to care heaps what others thought. I just don't now. Sounds like you are not around people who take digs at you for who you are. You mentioned you were kinda struggling in that area? So that's actually positive. It's like.. You burn bridges for a reason yeh? Now it's a case of building news ones. That's what I did. Meetup.com is a treat for that.

As depressing as it sounds, society is becoming shallower and shallower.

[HamSolo01]

Have you read Brave New World?

I read that about a year or two ago. We are there my friend. Already.

Scary stuff.

In the end we only have X amount of time left with our lives. I guess I just don't see my virginity and lack of sexual adventures as a problem worth solving.

Do I want a gf? Ideally. But I'd like to be able to connect with her a d share in that with her. Not just have a relationship in the same way one owns a car or a house. Like just a hobby... That's messed up.

What really helped me too was making female friends. I went to a coed school but had no female friends. Being able to talk to them about this stuff helps. Trust me.

Quick story - I had a massive crush for a girl I met in first year. But she ended up going out with a total asshat. Now she goes out with a legend of a guy. She's far happier. I'm loving that. It's great to see. I'm still great friends with her. Maturity is important here.

[Quercus]

Hi Aaron and the many reading and posting.

I'm so thankful Mitch found your thread and that you can relate to him (hi to Mitch too. I haven't forgotten you just been in a slump again that isn't shifting).

I have been reading and worrying about you. To be honest I've been reluctant to reply because when I'm feeling crap I end up being a bit too blunt and upsetting people and you don't need that extra hurt right now.

Are you in hospital and physically safe now?

You've had a lot of great support lately. Can you maybe share what is helping and what isn't? Croix wrote about getting stuck on a loop and I can see that too. It makes sense to me.

Rejection is hard to deal with when at heart you feel unattractive. I have times often where I can't look in a mirror. I'm a people pleasing giver too and this can be a massive problem if your self esteem is poor. It's been difficult but I'm learning about boundaries. Your friend is a perfect example. Happy to take from you and then rejects you when you need support. This is not a friend. I keep wondering how you feel about the word respect? Do you demand it in return? I have learnt to. It is the best thing I've ever learnt.

I'm learning people are drawn to confidence and self assurance and positivity. I'm not attractive. Or confident. Or interesting. But I seem to attract people offline anyway. Being different isn't a bad thing. Being a "loser" isn't unattractive. I think it is owning who you are that people are curious about.

Hubby says I could make conversation with a rock so I think HamSolo has a point about conversation being important.

James mentioned finding interests that matter to YOU. This is vital. Mine is gardening. Plant propagation in particular. Most people seem to find this as boring as batsht but they listen anyway because I am enthusiastic and happy about it.

I told Mitch many times and I'm pretty sure I've already told you... What are you doing just for YOU? Not to attract a woman. Just for you to feel good about yourself for once?

I'll shut up now before I put my foot in it. I hope you're safe.

Nat

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

I haven't read that book but I've read a brief summary of it though. It sounds a little bit like "1984". Now that book was scary. There are a lot of similarities between that book and where we are now. It makes you think about what we value and what's important in our life. I'm starting to think about those things right now as I sit in hospital.

I think some people treat that has a hobby and that makes me sick. It should be something that both of you share and invest in which uplifts the both of you. It should empower the both of you. I hate it when people take it for granted.

I too have a female friend who is aware of the problems that I have. I still have trouble connecting with women but I am trying to do that at Orygen in the groups. Just make idle conversation so I can build up confidence to take outside of Orygen.

I think that is a great sign of maturity. I am currently talking to a friends girlfriend about all this stuff which is really helping me. She now knows everything I've dealt with and she is very understanding so I hope that this is a sign of maturity for me.