Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[HamSolo01]

Hey there Azzdog

Firstly, let me say that I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. Go and have a check of my forum thread which I believe Nat kindly shared already a little while ago. I'm not as active on these threads as I once was:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/long-term-support-over-the-journey/i-just-feel-like-i-have-no-chance-

There is a solid year's worth of progress/ranting/anger/frustration/small wins/losses/confusion/hospital visits. I've been dealing this stuff for 6 years now. I have anxiety and depression. Been to hospital two times. Been through about 5 psychologists - not because I was a freak case or anything, but because I needed someone different each time. Plus a few of them were religious (and i had bad experiences with that growing up, for all intents and purposes I'm not a believer anymore).

What you wrote about in the initial post is reminiscent of what I'm going through still - albeit somewhat differently to where I was. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about people saying you are young etc, that you will find someone, that you will eventually lose your virginity etc. To put it bluntly, it's all bullshit. I know how much of a platitude it sounds like, but each person is different. What do I mean by that? Well, we are all individuals. Over time I've actually learned to separate myself from identifying with my age-group (millenials). I don't really care. Age is a number and nothing more. I've met people in their 30s who act like teens, and people in their teens that act like they are in their 30s (my sister is one because of what she's been through with her health).

You said you studied English and History? I've just completed my degree at the start of the year in International Relations and Government. Worked as an English tutor that whole time, still am too. It's what I like doing. I found a passion in that and that helped me. Also, reading widely. But I'm guessing this is just stuff you've done yourself.

Bloody hell, I've got 450 characters left and haven't even got half way through what I wanted to say lol.

More still to come.

But the whole culture that we have to put up with is OBSESSED with image and sex. Why? All to sell us stuff. Stuff we think will make us better people, more fulfilled. And it's not. I'm still a virgin too. I was ashamed and worried about it for a while, but I honestly do not care about it.

(more on its way)

[james1]

Hello Aaron,

Thank you for the well explained reply. It is certainly helpful to hear you confirm that there could be a blurring of fact and feeling, but that it's too hard to tell what is what.

As I mentioned, it is important to acknowledge that fact and feeling are not necessarily the same thing. Sometimes they are, but sometimes they are not. We may feel like the ugliest person alive, but that does not make it true.

I know it does not make the feeling hurt any less to acknowledge this, but acknowledgment is a great first step to training our brain to learn how to distinguish between the two.

In the meantime, I can hear that you are in a lot of distress at the moment so I do not want to overwhelm you with my thoughts.

Instead, I am pleased to hear that you will be trying to take time in hospital to get some mental rest. Does anybody know that you are going?

Do let us know how you are doing when you feel like it and when you get a chance.

James

[HamSolo01]

Hey again.

This stuck out to me personally:

"All I’ve done in life is give, give, give and people (particularly women) use that as an excuse to walk over me and I’ve had it"

What makes you say this? I'm interested to hear about it if you wish to share it?

"Croix, you do make a good point about me being angry makes me unable to
enjoy others or my own company. I would say that only when I’m
overwhelmed with emotion does that happen."

I can relate to this too. Do you find that exercise can help? What usually brings about the overwhelming feelings?

"I ask questions of people that aligns would their interests and gets
them taking to make them comfortable. I know I have done that since high
school. I think the problem back then was the fact I wasn’t good at
expressing my interests which is something I’m a lot better at now"

That's something I've learned as well. I honestly wish I did more of it in Uni, but uni is "uni". It's a bit harder to do that stuff at uni because people are very invested in different things. But it is a vital skill to have - asking other people about what they like is like Social Interaction 101.

"I guess my problem stems from the fact that I’m not a typical 24 year
old. I don’t drink, I don’t go clubbing, I prefer The Who over any
current artist today, I read the classics, I’m a political junkie, and
I’m a deep thinker on many issues."

Agreed. I'm similiar. Clubs are depressing.

"I have looked at dating coaches but I feel they are just looking for the
highest bidder rather than genuinely wanting to help young men like
myself who would be so grateful to understand what is wrong with me."

You've hit the nail on the head man. The notion that you can even be "coached" in dating is nonsense if you ask me. It's built on the assumption that EVERYONE can relate on a high level. People don't always click. Let's face it, they have all the veneer of 007 with the know-how and sophistication of a flea.

"Like I feel I am fundamentally flawed and I’m an ugly, pathetic,
disgusting creature who really doesn’t give value to anyone on this
planet."

WRONG. Simply wrong. You are a member of your family, this community, and just the entire species. You are not pathetic - you are doing stuff with your life.

[HamSolo01]

"I can be quite intense but thats because I am someone who thinks very deeply about the world and my place in it. "

Yeah I am the same. I've found that it pays to pick your audience. Only talk this stuff through with people who can handle it.

Anyway. I've said enough.

Hope you're doing well atm

[HamSolo01]

Don't get me wrong. Taking care of your personal self worth goes FAR
FAR FAR beyond how you look - or else every person would be far
happier, fulfilled and content in this day and age.

You mentioned
music? Keep that going man. I'm the same though. Don't worry. Lately
I've been going through a Blues music phase. Jazz is also good stuff
too. Helps keep the serotonin levels up. (even though I take meds for
it)

You're studying at uni and that's also really good to man.
Keep that going. You said you want to be a teacher? Hell YES! We need
better, passionate teachers out there.

Also, there is an apparent
attack on anything masculine in some parts of the community. I'm not
sure if you are familiar with Jordan Peterson - he's got his critics and
I don't think what they say is even half honest. Give him a look and
let me know what you reckon if you get the time to.

IN the end
you gotta do you man. that's all. I've been on two dates in the past 6
months. One was a vegan (that was fun -_- ) and another was really nice,
I thought the date went really well... but then never heard from her
again. No inclination to think otherwise. No idea what happened. I had
to accept that.

Believe me, I'm no casanova. I'm a "reformed high school loser" if anything. I still am haha. But I really don't care too much.

The forums are here man and we all have your back.

[james1]

Hello Mitch,

Nice to see you here 🙂 To be honest, I was wishing there was some way of tagging you because I knew you could be of help here.

I loved this bit you said about dating coaches: "It's built on the assumption that EVERYONE can relate on a high level. People don't always click. Let's face it, they have all the veneer of 007 with the know-how and sophistication of a flea."

So true and a funny little comparison too. Most of the time, relationships don't take off not because of the individual people, but simply because the two are not compatible. It's a sad but true story. It's a completely non-personal decision that we make personal because it hurts us.

And yes, I've seen too many of those websites and videos about dating for men and it's pretty gross.

Sounds lame, but "be yourself" really is the only way to find a relationship that is actually healthy. It may take a much longer time to find someone (years), but at least it's based on mutual respect and understanding for each other and for ourselves.

[supportiveother]

Hi Azzdog and HamSolo01 and anyone else who feels like they will be alone forever,

I just wanted to offer an outsiders perspective. To be honest with you all, whilst I've always felt the usual female angst of not being pretty enough/ skinny enough/ funny enough etc, I don't suffer from depression or anxiety or anything so I can only imagine how this issues make those dejected feelings worse. While I don't suffer depression myself, I use these forums mostly to try and seek help and coping methods etc for my partner who suffers with depression quite severely and something drew me to your post.

I too was 24 and never been in a relationship. I'm almost 25 and while I am in a relationship now, I know how frustrating it is when people in relationships try to sell you platitudes like "oh they're just around the corner" or "you'll find someone when you stop looking". When it comes to dating sites and apps, you cant take rejection on those things seriously. As a female, I can promise you that women are literally bombarded with every male on the app. There is so much choice, often they get overwhelmed and just stop using it. You can't let your lack of success effect your feeling of self-worth.

Of course I have no idea personally what anyone on this thread is going through, this is just an outsiders opinion, but I find it troubling that you both seem to bring others down while explaining that you feel you would be a good choice to be in a relationship with. Both of you sound like intelligent, interesting men and theres certainly women out there who will appreciate those traits and your interests, and while you may not always understand why a woman has chosen a certain man, does that make him not worthy of love and happiness?

I have always found acceptance to be extremely attractive and if you carry this competitive attitude into social interactions, perhaps you're coming off less kind and wonderful than you truly are! Again, I don't know you all personally, it's just a thought I had when reading this thread.

I truly hope you find what you're looking for!

Regards,

M x

[supportiveother]

As an added comment Azzdog,

I read you're off to hospital, but I want you to going knowing that no matter what you're feeling about yourself, there is nothing wrong with you. Obviously I don't know what you look like but I do know that it doesn't matter, a good personality is all it takes to attract the right person, and from what I've read, you're certainly not boring!

I don't think its that you're doing anything wrong necessarily, I just think that perhaps your allowing your own negative thoughts about yourself to project onto the way other people see you. I promise this isn't the case, you seem like a great person capable of interesting and intelligent conversation! Take this time to heal and develop strategies, I just wanted you to know theres nothing wrong with you, you just haven't met the right person yet!

M x

[Azzdog]

Hi Tim,

I'm more into punk and post-punk which can be very abrasive and heavy. Music means a lot to me and its the kind of music I like to write as well. Thats probably why I am quite rigid on this issue.

The way that the conversations would end would be in the middle of me asking a question. Like the most recent example was I asked her about what job she did as she mentioned she was working that night. I got no response after having a good opening to the conversation. Thats what I don't understand. This does happen a lot and I get very frustrated about it because I feel its my boring personality coming to the front and I don't know why.

To answer the country music question I would politely say that while country music isn't my cup of tea, I do like Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson so I can appreciate it.

I think introversion does make good friends. I just think we are judged a bit more harshly because of how quiet and reserved we are. People think we are boring and have not much to say.

I don't see that man as a painter as a man who has no ambition. If he acknowledges that then that is a healthy sign. He knows his limitations and tried hard to make a living out of it. Thats not what I mean by someone who has no ambition.

I think you having a Masters degree is a fantastic example of someone who does have ambition. Not knowing what to do with it is perfectly understandable because it tends to happen. I am referring to guys that I went to school and uni with who were just sitting around, being lazy, and having a disrespectful attitude towards the teachers and tutors. Its their time they are wasting and they don't seem to care. Thats who I am referring to.

[Azzdog]

Hey Hamsolo01 good to hear from you,

I have read it and I can totally relate to your ranting and frustration. Its good to hear someone who feels the same way. This is my 7th time in hospital and I hope its the last. I definitely need to get moving on my life and already have found some ideas to help with that.

I hate platitudes and cliches, they don't help anyone and I guess I'm at the stage where I want there to be more change rather than just talk. What I'm referring to is fixing my social life so life is more bearable during the week and that I don't rely on my treating team to act as my social group. It really makes me want to cry when I say that, I feel like I have so much more to give that would make people glad to have me as a friend. I am not trying to be vain or anything, I just feel I do have a lot to offer.

I think its great that you don't identify with millennials anymore and thats helped you. Thats what I'm in the process of doing. I really don't identify with anyone around my age and I think that comes down to my likes and dislikes (the music I like, I like old fashioned British comedy, I like documentaries, I dislike contemporary music and this obsession we have with sex and body image)

Cool! What do you plan to do with your degree? I am an English and History tutor, but I've only just started and haven't had any clients yet. But I do want to be a Secondary teacher and then maybe become a higher education academic. Thats the dream.

Thanks for taking a look at all my quotes dude. I think you are right on the fact that they think that there is a set of dating advice that will always get you the woman you want. I think thats a little disrespectful to women to be honest and treats them like objects. Plus, its based on the assumption that the way someone looks is more important than their personality. I think that is utter crap. From my own experience, personality is more important than looks.If I had the coaching manual for getting dates, gee, I wouldn't be asking anyone to pay for it at all. There are men out there who commit suicide or, like me, find it hard to function and spend time going in and out of hospital. Its a very vapid and vain industry that is reflective of capitalism. Selling a product by making you feel weak and vulnerable. Its sickening. A right minded person would never do that.

More to come.