Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Oh no its not you, its some of the people I see at Orygen, or people I have seen in the past. I'd rather not go into it as it is complicated and in the process of getting something sorted. But its not near that yet and I am still struggling with dealing with it because it was a form of rejection and possibly the greatest rejection I have ever felt.

Dools, I understand that it can be hard to maintain a relationship, but I would much rather have that problem than the one I have now. I don't believe I am able to be loved, I don't believe I deserve to be loved, I believe that it will never happen because I am too twisted and demented on the inside. Women have always rejected me and chase simpletons who have no ambition and no able to think deeply and who cannot structure coherent sentences together. What is attractive about these men? I'm just starting my Masters of Teaching and have finished my Bachelor of Arts but I feel like the entire world finds me boring and women just despise every inch of my soul.

I've asked to go back into hospital. There is a part of me that wants to stay there for the rest of my life. If people at Orygen can reject me than whats the point? I've gone off dating sites because I've officially given up. I don't know what women want. I don't feel angry anymore. I feel disappointed and suicidal. I have no one to help me.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Azzdog ,

We are very sorry to hear that you feel so disappointed and like no one can help you. If you're in immediate danger, please call 000, or visit your nearest emergency room for mental health assistance.

If you're not in immediate danger, we encourage you to reach out to our Support Service to discuss your thoughts and feelings with one of our professional mental counsellors: 1300 22 4636 (24/7) or webchat (3pm-midnight AEST) www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

Please know we are always here to listen, check back in and let us know how you’re going when you feel up to it.
 

[Azzdog]

So I called Orygen to let them know I'm struggling. I feel disappointed because, as a society, have failed to acknowledge that there is a gap in the mental health services provided in the public system. There are no groups relating specifically on body image/sexual health in Victoria. I am happy to be proven wrong but I don't think that there are.

My point of contention is that there has to be something else that online dating sites? I genuinely want to know why men get so few responses on these dating sites? Why do women just abruptly leave a conversation when it was going so well? It has happened so many times. I am sick to death of seeing people in relationships. What have you all got that I don't have? What is so repulsive about me? Is it my ugly, ugly, disgusting face? Is it my disproportionate body shape? Is it my lack of social skills? (when you initially meet me, trust me it gets better with time). Is it my boring, vanilla interests? I mean, what is it? What is so unattractive about me? I have an interest in politics and current affairs, I have an interest in history and where we have come from, I have a keen interest in music and composition, I have a passion for teaching and educating young people to be the best they can be, I try to be kind, respectful, honest, and bring humour to every interaction I have with someone. Are these traits really that repulsive and disgusting????? I have met men in the past who treat women like shit and women chase after them.

What do women want? Seriously I have no clue. I just want to go to hospital and be institutionalised for the rest of my life because that will be the only way I am going to live beyond the age of 40 if nothing changes. I have worked so hard the last eleven years to keep pushing through despite all the torture I go through. Having a girlfriend would be the validation that I do belong on this planet, that my appearance is not repulsive and that I am interesting. I want someone to help me create a body image/sexual health group so no one will ever have to go through what I have gone through. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

[Croix]

Dear Azzdog~

I'm sorry to hear things are so bad. In a way you remind me of me, because there are times when my mind goes into a loop, rehashing the same thing all the time. It happened when I was working, trying to figure out why the boss was always unavailable or very distant. It happened when teaching over ability to do marking, plus lots of other things, some involving relationships wiht other people. These thoughts did take up a large part of life at the time.

Such mental occupation really narrowed my life down and tended to consume my consciousness. In some respects it did not matter if I had well-founded suspicions or not, the damage from the same thoughts churning all the time was probably worse than whatever I was worrying about.

Pardon me for saying so but it appears to me you are locked in a long-standing loop and your efforts are all in relation to fixing the problem you are worrying about, that is relationship with females.

Do you think it might be worth considering looking at the loop itself and not the subject matter? I found trying to make a break every time I realized I was thinking the same things over and over did in the end help. It was difficult because often I was not conscious that I was in that state, and even if I realized the ways of stopping it were not that obvious.

You did say before you had a psychologist. Trying to get rid of unhelpful repetitive thoughts would seem something that could be looked at. What do you think?

Incidentally Shopie's advice about contacting our professional mental counsellors seems a good idea anyway.

Croix

[Azzdog]

That is currently what I am working at right now. It is hard though. But that is what i am trying to do. Look for exits but when you have clinicians treat you disrespectfully, and it adds to the narrative that women despise you, it gets really hard.

This should have been resolved months ago but it hasn't and I disappointed in everyone at Orygen because it has had a serious impact on my mental health. It has also contributed to the fact that women are quick to reject me too. I was having a conversation with a woman on a dating site and, like as per usual, it just ended abruptly. It was going so well, like as per usual, but for some unknown strange reason, she rejected me like so many women have done before. I hate my life. What will it take for a woman to actually find me attractive? Who knows. I think a lot of people take their relationships for granted to be honest. It is so hard to be single these days. And if you are a little bit introverted, have body dysmorphia, and have no interests that are inline with the mainstream then what hope have you got? I have no hope. I am so unhappy with everyone because no one can truly help me

[james1]

Hello Aaron,

You sound really upset right now. I'm sad to hear that you are struggling.

Perhaps I can make a suggestion here which may help?

It is very easy when we are frustrated and upset to make all-or-nothing type statements. E.g. "Nobody understands" or "Women only go for shit men" or "I hate my life".

But as you know, life is not black or white - there are shades. It's really important for your own mental well-being to acknowledge these shades of grey otherwise you will feel really really down when you tell yourself that everything sucks.

So my suggestion is: look at what you do have.

We can hear your pain in your words. You are struggling so very much with all these aspects of your life which feel so terrible. But the only way through them is to fully utilise what you already have.

You have us. You have your interest in history and politics (as do I!). You love music and teaching people. You have the desire to improve your social skills.

These are all amazing interests which, perhaps aren't interesting to the majority of people, but are interesting to some. And hopefully that is okay for you, because it is only those limited some who would be good friends anyhow. Most people look at me funny when I talk about all the animals I want to have - but that's okay, because every now and then I meet someone who gets just as excited.

James

[Azzdog]

I try to. I try to celebrate these things. But the music I listen to can be quite challenging to some. Not everyone likes classic rock because most people our age think that kind of music is old and its bad by that definition. I like punk and alternative but some people think that music is too angry. I don't know how to find people like that.

I've met helps of people who think history is unimportant and boring. I have met people who either have an interest in politics (not people my age) and people who don't like politics (people my age). Hopefully in my Masters degree I will find some people who appreciate teaching and helping others.

I have also, just recently, been rejected by ANOTHER woman on a dating site. It was going really well and theeeeeeeeeennnnnn... the conversation abruptly ended. There was no reason why but she just stopped replying. What can I do? What can I do? How can I help myself? This is so unfair. There are so many men out there with girlfriends who take them for granted it's hard to grasp if its a dream or not. I have put on at least 10 kgs because all I do is comfort eat. The only thing that never lets me down is chocolate. Women hate me because I am introverted and hideously ugly so they'd rather go for men who can't think and have no ambition. It makes you wonder if this world is a simulation. I'm starting to think that.

[james1]

Hello Aaron,

Thanks for replying to me. I appreciate it.

You mentioned that you have met people not your age who like politics. That's really great to acknowledge because it shows that you are not alone. Perhaps you are not friends with them, but that is normal. Most of the time, we just don't get along with one another, which is why it's particularly special when you do meet a proper friend.

One thing that confuses me is whether you speak about these things as fact or a feeling:

- "women hate me because I am introverted and hideously ugly"

- "they'd rather go for men who can't think and have no ambition"

If those two statements are reflective of how you feel, then I totally understand. Certainly, we do see that kind of thing happening in real life and rejection can twist a non-personal statement into very personal feelings.

But I do not think that they are actually factual either. I do not think that women hate us when they reject us. And often they do not reject us for who we are, but simply because we do not fit what they are looking for. I also do not think it is factual that women in general want dumb people with no ambition - we have women on the forums here and I daresay they would not want to be stereotyped in that way. I wouldn't want my sister to be stereotyped that way either.

So I think it's really important that we clarify what is fact and what is feeling.

Facts are things that we end up having to live with. Feelings are malleable and we can learn how to manage them.

James

[Azzdog]

Maybe its based on experience. I went to school with a lot of guys who were idiots and morons who all the girls loved. It was hard to fathom as to why that was the case. I just thought that my personality is awful and boring and then I thought it must be the way I look. I don't mean to stereotype but it just seems like guys who have no ambition are a lot more content in life and therefore have, ironically, more confidence. Sure, there is a distinction between fact and feeling but I don't know the difference anymore. I must be ugly and boring. Tell me what reason could it be? It keeps happening and happening and happening. I try to make my profile look more appealing and happens again and again and again. And then I see men in public who push their girlfriends around and yell at them and I'm like "what is so damn attractive about him? He is a disgrace!!!!"

Look, I don't want to offend anyone, but what I am confused is that these problems keep coming up. Now the reasoning why I think that I am ugly and boring is because I don't really have a social life and I have never had a girlfriend. I can barely keep a foot in the door on dating sites before the other girl stops responding, for no apparent reason. This keeps happening and happening and I am fed up with it. What will it take for a woman to find me attractive? I'm waiting for a call back from Orygen because I am off to hospital. I have thoughts of self harm and I don't think I can keep myself safe over the weekend. I am staggered that there are no body image groups/sexual health groups in Victoria (eating disorder groups don't count because they are not specific to my needs).

I am at a loss as to what I am doing wrong. I never felt as ugly as I do right now. I have no hope the future will ever change because women, time and time again, reject me and I never know what the reasoning is. So I'm sorry if I have offended anyone here but understand what I have been through and what I have seen. There are a lot of people who take this part of life for granted and it makes me sick with anger. I am now going to get ready to go to hospital now. I hope I stay there forever where I'll never make a woman uncomfortable again. I'll be safe from the public

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

Most people dont like the music I listen to either. That is, I listen to what is broadly labelled "extreme metal". But I also like classical, folk, etc.

I also like history and agree that it is not a conversation starter. But if you know a person for long enough, you can then pull out stuff from history to illustrate a point?

When to do your Masters degree I would expect there would be some overlap of interests. But not 100%.

You asked questions about the conversation ended abruptly. In each instance, can you recall the conversation just before that. Is there something common in these conversations that get misinterpreted? (I am not asking for a transcript or similar, but could you analyse the chat to see what might have happened?) Could you find some interests in what the other person is saying? For example, if the other person like country music how you would respond? Would you say

(a) "I don't like it! Next question"

Or would you say

(b) "I don't really listen to much country music. What would you recommend?"

Instead of viewing introversion as a negative, find the positives. For example, makes great friends, good listener, good at problem solving.

Lastly, the men that have no ambition. Yes there might be some of these in the world. But whatever job they have, might be the best they can get. Or it keeps them content. Or it pays the bills. When we had a kitchen redone, the painter brought his apprentice along. This was last year. I had a chat with the apprentice. He was in his mid 20s. He was a painter because that was all be was good at. He left school early. I cannot remember what he wanted to do (his goal), but painting "for the moment" keeps him alive. And I don't think his salary was that great either.

And despite the fact that I have a Masters degree, with what I would prefer to do would make it one of those "who can't think and have no ambition". Sorry if this posts seems negative, but I am just want to present some alternative positions.

Tim